Stillness

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still... (Exodus 14:14)

Powerful, so powerful...but this is something I need to keep reminding myself of. 

Long, long ago I went thru a hard situation where God called me to let go of something, and someone. Something I did NOT want to let go of, truthfully. It was tough, It was painful. And the repercussions were excruciating. It felt like I was gonna lose absolutely everything I held dear. And for awhile, I thought I had. But time proved differently.

During this time, trying to navigate thru the storm that followed my decision, I clung VERY tightly to God...I drew closer to Him than I had in quite awhile. And He was very clear. In this, even though I was perceived as evil, and awful, and a terrible person, I had to be still. Stay silent. He would take care of it. And, I was not to say anything to defend myself, or say anything that might tarnish someone else's reputation. I was to stand strong with Him in the midst of being attacked, and trust Him to fight for me. 

It was (and still is) one of the hardest things I've ever done, emotionally. 

These issues still continue to haunt me. I still see the effects all around me. I still question whether my friends, my true friends, love me and trust me enough to know my heart. And I've seen, in a beautiful way, that my real friends do. But that has NOT been easy to do. It's been a lot harder for me to trust. A lot harder to freely love, to make myself vulnerable. 

And sometimes, it becomes very hard to trust that God is truly working good out of all of this. I have to shut the enemy's voices out of my head and cling to that truth once again..."the Lord will fight for you.."  

I don't know what the end result of this will be, or if it will ever end. But I can stand strong and know that I have been completely obedient to God in all of this. I have trusted Him. I have been still, and silent, when I could have said and exposed SO much.

There is power in standing with God though. Extreme power in leaving things to Him. It may be tough, it may be lonely sometimes, it may be painful, but the rewards are sweet. You can hold your head high. You can face your friends and be real..."take me or leave me...you know my heart..." And the extreme joy when they stick around with you, and how deep that makes your friendship, is a beautiful thing that honestly can't happen any other way.

God blesses obedience. This I know for sure. This, I have experienced. :) 

No Idea

Yeah I haven't blogged in awhile, but that's not important now. 

What is? Just this...

I was about to give up. Yep, all day. Tempted. Felt discouraged. Disappointed. Rejected. And eventually, angry. You did it to me again. Or, did I let you? Do I know better? Yes. Have I been here before? You betcha. Yet, just one lil thing that bothered me...and I wanted to give up. Walk away. Doubt you again. Doubt the call again.

Don't think I didn't ask God to make me stay. Don't think I didn't make a deal with Him to have you reach out before I let go. I did. Quite a few times. But nothing happened.

It didn't truly hit me till I locked myself in my fave prayer room, gritted my teeth, and determined to pray for you...just how angry & fed up I was.

Because, for the first time in months...I couldn't pray for you. I had no words. And I had NO desire. That brought me to my knees, asking God to keep that ugly bitterness away from me. Because if I can't pray for you...if that God-communication isn't there...if that wedge is present...then...this is nothing. Meaningless. My call ceases to exist. So I prayed. First for forgiveness. Then for any negativity to be washed away. Only then could I clear my heart enough to pray for you. Sure, it was a rather short prayer. :) But it was heartfelt. And freely offered. And it reminded me again of the selfless sacrifice I MUST make for you.  

Because it is my purpose. My privilege. My honor.

And then, like a glimmer of hope...you reached out again. That path to connection was made. All was well. God gave me that approval once again. And for my waiting, as it always is, it was sweeter. Again.

"God says He’ll restore to you the years the locust (enemy) has eaten (Joel 2:25), and whatever He restores will be better in quality!" ~Joel Prince

This is His promise...and He has delivered!! :)

     

following

I'm definitely on a brand-new journey. Parts of it feel familiar, but as my sweet friend says, it's really just deeper layers of that same ole onion being peeled away. ;) I am giving up a few of my favorite go-to's. Things that take the place of God in my heart and in my life. I'm no fool though. I've been here before. Thought I let go a few times, even. But I wasn't even close. Those were just superficial layers.

Now comes the deep stuff.

The deepest parts of my heart and soul. These are things that I turn to every time life gets a little rough. When I feel defeated, useless, discontented, regretful, bitter, empty...and this time it's painful. This time it's like ripping off a band-aid. God wants ALL of my heart and my devotion. And He is NOT playin around.

Heart-wrenching, is what it's been so far. I've cried harder in the past few days than I have in a long time. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to cry, to grieve before. I thought I was letting go, but when the going got tough, I'd run right back to my fixes. There was no sorrow, no grieving. But now, now that I MEAN it, I am truly feeling the loss. And honestly, it hurts so good!

This time, I am not TRYING to get over this. Not WISHING it would go away. In fact, I am absolutely sure about just one thing. I can NOT do this. This is God's job, His business. I can't even help! I can only follow my Shepherd like a meek little lamb...wounded & broken, as He leads me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. And in that...there is freedom. I am free from trying to figure out what to do next, from worrying about failing(AGAIN!), from wondering where this path is leading. Because I can't even see where I'm going. I'm not even LOOKING! I'm just following Him.

And really, what a load off my mind and heart that is! No pressure, cuz this all rests on Him. Just resting...burdens carried, questions answered, problems solved, comfort given.

And funny, all along the path I feel like I'm being tempted, at every turn...to look ahead, to run down into the thorns & briers(that look pretty at first glance!), to even turn backward and want to find comfort in the familiar. Because the path ahead could be scary. But my Shepherd, He's got it covered. I could veer away, but I am honestly too weary to do anything but follow my divine Leader. I know I don't know the way. I know I don't know better. Been there, done that. NOTHING looks better than moving forward, following my Daddy.

So I continue on...blissfully unaware, blindly trusting....and perfectly safe in His care.

This is Love calling, out to the broken

What to do when your heart gets broken? Wallow in it? Seek revenge? Withdraw into loneliness? I think I've tried all of these. But honestly, the first one probably describes me best. I've nursed a broken heart for WAY too long. It's time to heal.

There are a few things I have to face...one of which, is the FINALITY of my situation. Part of my heart still doesn't want to believe the truth. Still...after a long, long time. A piece of my heart still wants to believe that someday...maybe.... But this dream is over for me. It was over a long time ago. And I think I've finally realized how to really get over it. I think healing truly comes when we are able to be strong in facing the things we need to face, and only break down in the presence of a loving Heavenly Father who will hold us as our heart breaks. And so, I put on a brave face in front of everyone and move on with my life. And when the memories come, and reality hits, and I feel the pain invading me....I retreat to a place that only God and I know about...a place where I can grieve my loss, and cry out to Him, and sob till I can't breathe...and know that only He truly understands. Pretending that there is nothing wrong won't work. But pouring it into the Father's hands is the only way to let Him heal what is broken, fix what's been hurt, and assure me that He really will work out my past for my good, and has given me something better. Even when it's hard to believe. I just need to wait and see.

Someday I think it will get easier. I may be able to look at those memories with a smile, with a gladness of heart for what I once enjoyed...and rejoice that those times aren't really over, just different. And I will see the beauty in all I have left...the amazing life God has given me...the people who truly love me and always will. And the healing balm on my heart feels a lot like gratitude for God's goodness.

A Million Chances

Somehow I always give you another chance. It's always been that way. No matter how much it hurts, how much I get broken, just give me a lil time and I'm hopeful again. Don't know why....except that my heart is stuck. Totally stuck with you. It refuses to let go, refuses to step back, refuses to give up on you. It's basically IN me to be forever loyal. I guess "Love always," so long ago, meant something. And even when all outward signs seem to show my absence, inside I am grieving the loss of what I know...this "you" I know. The part no one else understands...or knows about. When I seem so tough, like I don't care at all, like I'm not even bothered...inside I am begging you to break through that wall of protection & drag "me" out to hear what I really feel. Wow how scary that would be. How deeply overwhelming. Even for me. So basically here I stay....protected, but empty. Still waiting, hoping. And still...never giving up. And giving you yet another chance.

work

I still need work. This I know, but sometimes I get so frustrated when I see the same ole awful behavior in myself. I really hate self-deprecating stuff, but I am not happy with ANYTHING lately and I really want to find a cause, and ultimately, a solution. Maybe as I write, it will come. Cuz I hate the things I see in me.

Things like....jealousy. Yep it goes both ways. I get a lot of it coming my way, and I sometimes think it's the biggest cause of my attacks, but it DOES flow out from me. I am a jealous person...there I said it. HUGELY so, sometimes. I hate it. It is REALLY rearing its ugly head lately. I'm hoping that means, cuz it's putting up such a last-ditch fight, that it's gonna DIE soon!!

Things like...judgmentalism. Is that a word?? Well it is now. :P I have been in such a judgmental mood lately. Judging anything & everything. I've had a haughty attitude. And I know it's cuz things are NOT working out in my own life the way I want them to. So I've been judging others, about things I have no business in, cuz it must make me feel better that they don't deserve what they have and I want...which comes back to, jealousy. I want to KILL that green-eyed monster!!!

Things like...impatience. Another cause of not being satisfied with myself & my life. Funny how now, as I'm writing, I see how these all work together...hmmmm....

I think it all boils down to...I am not secure. Not in my situation, my relationships, my goals, my dreams, my LIFE! I don't like what God is doing. How I perceive it. I am SO afraid to lose what I have, or not get what I want, and get hurt. I used to live in such a contented place of faith, resting in God's will for me and trusting Him to work all things out for good. I used to have hope. Now I might get myself pumped up for a day or two, but soon I am back to listening to the lies in my head again..."you'll never get that. You don't deserve that. Stop expecting anything good, cuz it's not gonna happen & you'll disappointed again. You're just gonna get HURT again!!" Fear..which leads to distrust...which leads to panic...which eventually leads to all the qualities above which I HATE to see in myself!

I am under MAJOR attack from the enemy. I've just lately begun to realize it. And I am NOT fighting him the way I should. I am NOT reading God's words of truth enough to defeat the enemy's lies. I have no weapons in this battle! And it IS a war! I can't ignore the arsenal right in front of me!!

I've begun to change. I am soaking up each and every thing I can get that contains the Word, and also reading the Word itself. Last night I got hit with SUCH a huge truth, it shocked me. It was straight from the Word, and worded in EXACTLY the way I needed to hear. I had been praying & heard nothing. And then there was my answer, as soon as I opened my Bible. It was beautiful. It was encouraging. Exactly what I needed. It hit me right where I was. And it was filled with His love. Thank You God!!

Hope is what I need to cling to. Joy will be my strength. Faith is what will kill the enemy's lies and allow me to step forward, trusting Him to work out a good plan for MY life, even when it doesn't make sense.

So God, do the work in me...cuz I want peace again most of all...

a new view

So what if this wasn't a bad thing. What if this is a season of silence for a good reason. What if I knew I would come out the other side, and things would be better, deeper, stronger, better than I ever imagined...

What if this were just a necessary time of growing, learning, realizing?? Wouldn't it all be worth it? If I knew that, when this is over, I'd look back at it & say...that was TOTALLY worth it. Cuz if it hadn't happened, I may not have what I have now.

So what stops me from seeing this in such a positive light? Why do I always get so discouraged? God has ALWAYS been faithful. God has always grown things in the quiet times. If I'd just remember that, it may be easier to endure.

It's just that this journey has always been painfully slow. And I am NOT a patient gal.

But slow & steady always wins the race. And things worth waiting for are always sweeter in the end. Feelings that stand the test of time can never be matched...by ANYTHING.

I know it all deep down. But it's SO hard to accept...

Stronger

So...blogging again...I'm gonna touch a lil bit on a topic that has been bothering me for awhile. Weight loss. It saddens me that so many people have turned to dangerous methods of losing weight. Starving themselves, taking weird hormones. Is it THAT important to post a "pounds lost" success? I mean, this is slowly killing people. Who KNOWS what could happen in the future...the effects of these hormones, etc. It scares me. Why is weight so important to us in society anyway? Are we that superficial? So bent on getting thin that we would harm ourselves?

I know from experience that being the"perfect" weight will not make people happy. For me, once I got down very close to my goal weight, I felt healthier, I felt stronger. I lost weight the hard way. I worked out HARD. I ate less(but regular amounts of healthy food!) And I got so much healthier & stronger. But here's the thing...my life didn't "magically" change. I had the same problems, the same emotional issues, that I did when I was heavier. I expected things to be different. To be treated differently. And I think I thought that the people around me would also change. But they didn't. I didn't either. My body size changed. Inside tho, I was the same. And that was painfully obvious when the tough issues of my life hit home.

Weight loss MUST come with other changes as well. Mental, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual changes. The number on the scale means nothing. How you grow, how you develop, what you learn from your journey, is the key to KEEPING that weight off. This is the part that I worked on a tiny bit, but never even scratched the surface of...my deeper emotional issues of WHY I ate, WHY I was overweight. And so, the weight slowly started creeping back.

The number one key to being healthy (NOT losing weight...that is just superficial) is letting God take control. To admit you can NOT do it on your own. You need Him. You need His strength, His grace, His power. Once you give up control, lean on Him, and fall in love with Him as the only One who can save you & heal you...you WILL be successful. This I know. This I KNEW. But I lost sight of it.

I've got it back...I am fighting again. I am running away my pain. Not running away FROM it, but running it away...a few miles at a time. And letting myself fall in love again with the One who will help me to succeed so I can be the best I can be for Him. He's given me hope again...

And THAT is what makes a person beautiful! :)

P.S. I've got a few good tools coming my way in the form of two books & a song..."Reshaping it All" by Candace Cameron Bure, "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst, and the song "Stronger" by Mandisa...LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! I will prob blog more about the books when I get them & read them!

aware

God is opening me up. Stretching me. And I am stepping out and LOVING IT!! Finally I feel a sense of purpose, a vision. I now see a pathway to walk on ahead of me. And, I also see obstacles. Many of them. When I glance forward, they are pretty intimidating. They even look familiar.

I have many pet peeves...especially about the area I'm stepping out in. And on my first step, I encountered pretty much all of them! But I won't back down...and I won't give up. In giving of myself, in an area that I love and I'm very comfortable in, I have finally found peace. And at the same time, a strength that I forgot I possessed. I have said "I'll go where God wants me.." countless times in the past few days. And this time, I really MEAN it!

I am so excited for the first time in years. Pieces are falling into place. I am embracing the desires & passions God has put in my heart. Trusting Him to make it all make sense. And I have such a calm assurance that He is!! Everything in my life has led up to this!!

I am hoping I may be able to share more details, and those more openly, very soon. Cuz I think I'm gonna have some amazing stories to tell! :) I am FIRMLY under God's capable control!

reassurance

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's Seal.

No, that TRAUMA you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd GROW.

You are who you are for a REASON,
You've been formed by the Master's Rod.
You are who you are, BELOVED,
Because There Is A GOD!!

~Russell Kelfer

priceless

sometimes the depth of it just overwhelms me

now & then I realize the enormity of what I've been given

no one on earth will ever understand how precious it is to me

and I will never make it known

though it gets harder & harder to hide

it is divine, it is supernatural

it is something that overtakes my soul & leaves me breathless

moved to tears of bittersweet awe and joyous pain

that I would not trade for anything

cuz I SHOULD...

I kinda feel obligated to do a year-end blog, since I've done one for the past few years...and so, it's become somewhat of a ritual. After spending almost a week sick in bed tho, I'm pretty much worn-out and empty of any coherent words of reflective wisdom...I think...

However, I would like to capture this moment in time, because this past year was a bit of a whirlwind, emotionally. Not any huge mishaps or crises or milestones, but a lot of quiet lessons learned along the way. I have timidly opened my heart up more. To be accepted and loved, and to be rejected and hurt. But I think I've accepted the hurts more. It makes the love that much sweeter. I've learned that I can't control everything, and have loosened my grip on many things, mainly my own family. I've learned that actions speak louder than words.(I learned that one the hard way!) I've seen impossible dreams come true. And I've come to grips with the fact that even if I receive the things I always dreamed of, it still leaves me yearning for more. Left to myself, I will constantly be blindly reaching. I'm sick of feeling that way! So I've basically learned to accept life as it comes, accept people for who they are, and leave the rest in God's capable hands. I've curled up in His lap & cried it all out to Him more this year than in years past. I've left a lot more up to His wisdom. I've almost, in a way, given up. Not given up hope, but given my hopes & dreams to Him to handle. Even when things don't turn out the way I wish they would, I know deep down that His ways, His plans, are always better. Even when I can't see it for myself. And there's been a LOT of that this year. So much hidden, so few answers. I pray that prayer once again at the beginning of this next year....Lord please reveal some more pieces of this puzzle that You've been putting together, called my life. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to open up a whole lot of new doors, and I know that He has made me ready. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure!

So, all that being said, my main goal of 2001 is to hold tighter to Him than ever before, and follow Him to wherever He leads me...

wounded

Love wears me out. Sometimes it is SO HARD for me to love. Cuz the attacks come fast and furious, I'm left reeling, and my heart gets bruised every time. Passionate people who love very deeply also have the vulnerability of being hurt very deeply. I wish my heart would be handled with care, but that's just not the case.
I feel battered & broken. I feel it is never understood just how badly that carelessness and indifference hurts me. I wish I had the boldness to stand up & say...enough is enough.
But I'm kinda left in an out-of-control position. I can't be as open as I want to be. I wouldn't know how to if I tried. And if I did, I feel like I'd just hit a brick wall.
I know God's called me to stick it out. He's given me HUGE amounts of fierce loyalty, and passionate love, for a reason. It keeps me hanging in there. My heart can't help but hang on. I was born for it. It's a part of me. God made two infinitely different worlds collide to create a beauty that only He can see the depth of. That only He fully understands. And only He knows the purpose of it.
I am frustrated and wounded, but at the same time I feel humbled. God trusts me, even though I don't know why, with some precious secret things and insights that no one else would ever know. And yet, that is also very painful. Lonely, even. I don't always know what to do with this knowledge, but to trust that He will work it all out for good in His own time. Attempt to carry my broken heart to Him, and desperately fight the urge to figure it all out on my own or push things to completion before it's ready to happen.
And meanwhile, I endure the hurt. I dig deep and find new hope. I ignore the futile things I "see", and reach for things unseen.
Even if God and I are completely alone in this...I will not back down. I will not give up.

It's not easy...it's the most difficult thing I've ever done...but I know and I cling to this...

Love.Never.Fails.

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed. I was going along, doing fine...forgetting...then BOOM.

It invaded me again.

Problem is, I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

God, please make sense of this. Heal my wounded heart. Give me the answers I need. Something has to give soon. Or I fear I'll go crazy.

I can't walk away. I can't pretend anymore. I'm haunted. It hurts. And I need Your help. I COMPLETELY give up.

Show me meaning in this...or please end it...

I am ready for the truth.

forward

So I am determined to look forward. No more regretting the past or being discontent with what I have or where I am. I am here, right now, for a REASON. God has good plans for me. I'm sick of doubting that.

Today, despite being thrown a huge whammy in my gut yesterday regarding a past relationship, I feel a general sense of peace. I don't really know why. I've been angry, I've cried, I've vented....but now...I feel calm. Resting in God's will. KNOWING I've done the right thing. (And referring back to those Psalms from the other day that talk about enemies...ahem.)

If there's one thing I've learned in the past couple years, it's that God has my back. He works in ways I cannot see. He whispers my name in positive ways to dispel any doubt. He brings truth to light. He has established foundations and bonds that can never be broken. And will never be understood by the human mind. And can never be destroyed by anyone. In my peace surrounded by pain, I am still awestruck at what He's done...and hopeful about what He's yet to do. I don't have the answers. I still don't know where my next step will be. But I can once again take a deep breath & say "Okay Lord...You lead me. You take over. I'm giving You control."

And I sit here in the silence, waiting on Him.

I remember the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain. Let me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer. Save me from my enemies, Lord; I run to You to hide me. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your name, O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness, bring me out of this distress. In Your unfailing love, cut off all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am Your servant. (verses from Psalm 143)

giving up

OK God...I give up. Again. I've given up control to You so many times. I've been gritting my teeth and obeying something I don't even understand. But oh....my heart has NOT been in it. I love You, and that is why I obey...even when it makes no sense.

Answers would be wonderful.

But they never come...nothing concrete...and so I just walk it out, a day at a time, as best I can. I try my best to follow what You seem to be telling me. But I don't get it. And that makes it harder.

Blind faith.

I can't do this alone. I can't handle it without You. I need Your strength to keep going!! But I also can't walk into emptiness. If I let go, I need something to reach for. Please bring it soon! Please ignite my passion, in equal and GREATER amounts, for something new. And then please confirm that I'm on the right track!

Because beyond all this, there are whispers in my soul. There are connections beyond words. There are deeper meanings that keep being revealed. And that is what makes me confused.

How long??

I need wisdom. I need discernment. And I need Your help in moving forward. Because I'm sick of dwelling on the past. The one thing You've made abundantly clear is that I need to finally put my past to rest. I am where I am for a reason. I'm ready to leave my ashes behind and receive Your beauty.

Please show me what that is!!

Isaiah 43:18-19 The Lord says, "Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening.

honesty

So I fully realize that being REALLY open & real in the Christian blogging community may not be a popular thing to do. It won't win many friends. It may turn some people off. Maybe a lot. But guess what....I struggle. I am a Spirit-filled Christian who struggles. And I will admit that. It's a very scary & vulnerable thing to do. But I also believe it's very brave.
I marvel at people who can fully live out the call of Christ on their life (even be SO SURE of what it is!!)and say how easy it is, how peaceful it is, how they never worry, are never afraid, and are never depressed. Because POOF...Jesus solves all that. Over. Done. Saved...and now joyously happy forever. Oh they might toy with those feelings for a second...but then they are instantly convicted, Jesus gently reminds them not to be so foolish, and then POOF. Done. Joyous again. How could they have ever been so silly?!
No doubt. No questioning. No rebellion. No questions.
Really?
Interesting.
Because for me, it's not like that at all.
I worry. I fear. I struggle. I hurt. I'm tempted. I doubt. And I REBEL. I procrastinate. I question. And...I also get sad and downright depressed at times. In fact, for example, this morning my heart was in turmoil....AGAIN, I might add...about an issue that POOF...should've been "solved" years ago. I was looking for some verses in the Bible and was drawn, like I usually am, to the Psalms. Particularly the ones by my good buddy David. Ahhhh. A melancholy, messed-up, CRAZY up & down man if I ever saw one! A man after God's own heart...yes, and he is definitely after MY own heart too cuz I relate so well to him....but also one struggling, prone to depression, highs & lows-galore dude. Really.

A sampling..."To the Lord I cry out, and He answers me from His holy hill"...."Answer me when I call to You O God, give me relief from my distress!"...."I love You O Lord my strength"..."Strike all my enemies on the jaw...break the teeth of the wicked!" ..."You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil"..."Be merciful to me O God, for I am faint..O Lord heal me, for my bones are in agony..my soul is in anguish"..."O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!".."I sink on the miry depths where there is no foothold...my eyes fail, looking for my God."..."I will praise You O Lord with all my heart...I will rejoice and be glad in You!"..."How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"..."You have rejected us, O God, and burst forth upon us...You have been angry"..."The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love"..."The Lord is faithful to all His promises..and loving toward all He has made"..."I am still confident of this..I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"..."My heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death assail me..fear and trembling have beset me, horror has overwhelmed me"..."Have mercy on me O God, I call to You all day long...bring joy to Your servant..."

Yep, see that drama?? This guy is raw. This guy is honest. This guy is REAL. Love it!!!! David is definitely not afraid to not only pour out his human heart to God...in all its depressed, irritated, frustrated, impatient, glory....but also quick to praise Him when he realizes where all His emotions are healed, renewed, satisfied.....in His God. His Savior. His joy. His strength. His vindicator.

This gives ME strength. It gives me courage. His raw honesty gives me hope. And makes me sigh in relief as I realize...I am NOT alone in my humanness. I am not alone in my crazy mood swings! And most of all, it brings me the comfort & peace I need.

Not that I will instantly...POOF...be transformed into having a perfect, stress-free, contented life...but that I am at least as"normal" as David.

And that I, too, can be called a woman after God's own heart.

stillness

missing it....so much...these times are hardest...

There's so much I wanna share, say, hear...but really, although I gave up control, I never had much control anyway.

I've always wished there could be more, but it stinks to lose what little I had.

Disappearing...does it mean anything? Any noticing that I've vanished? Any thought, memory, wondering?

I fear that I'm the only one who cares...remembers...wonders...longs...aches...

And what haunts me....smiles, laughter, teasing, words, stares, glances, knowing, sharing, sunshine, moonlight, reminiscing, sadness, frustration, explanation, pleading, reassuring, words, hearts, souls, connecting....

Always lurking...never ending...forever...

obedience

Heartache, emptiness, loneliness...there is an element of this that makes me feel all these and more. Obedience...as far as I can muster the strength to do it. Surrounded by those I love and in my home, I still feel the bittersweet ache. Some piece of what my heart feels as "home" is missing. I can't explain it. Oh, how I would LOVE the answer to why! But I can only paste on a smile & pretend the ache isn't there. What else can I do?

I fully realize that no one can really understand how I feel, no one "gets it." How can I expect anyone to when I don't even understand?

I do cling to this hope...that there IS a reason, a bigger purpose. I have fulfilled a huge piece of my calling and been a small part of many things that will affect the masses. I know this. But as to what lies ahead of me....I can only shake my head in confusion. Swallow my sorrow. And remain silent...when my soul wants to scream out.

I can do all the right things, act the right way, go thru the motions of my life. But oh...that yearning, that reaching for a life beyond what I've been given....it never leaves me.

Today was a difficult one. One step forward, two steps back. Literally running thru my pain, three miles' worth. Crying once again...it may be a new record of days filled with tears. Reminiscing about how I got here, how this got so deeply embedded in my heart...and the sweet peace of knowing, truly KNOWING...that I am not crazy. Thank You God for that!

This is me. This is my life. I am destined for everything I'm faced with. The path I've been on is NOT an accident. The way ahead may be cloudy, but I will keep steadily moving forward in my obedience.

letting go

I feel really strongly this morning after days of crying out & being convicted...

It's time to let go.

Not give up, not run away from...but let go of something very precious to me. It's time to put it in God's capable hands.

To be honest, He told me to let go awhile ago. And because I didn't fully, I've been having a pretty miserable time these past few weeks. To be even more honest, I look at this situation and I really don't know HOW I'm gonna let go, or IF I can. It breaks my heart...which is fully engaged in this. It's gonna be really hard. It'll definitely be a process.

But I also know that this is not for forever. This is not the end. It's just a time to give up control and let God take over. And not worry unnecessarily about how He's gonna work, or what the end will be.

I know I'm His mouthpiece. And I feel He's calling me to be silent. How difficult is that!? But even tho I struggle with this concept in my life, I HAVE to be sure that He has something better in mind for me. That when I let go of this, it will just free my grip to take hold of something new, and better, and perfect for me. This is SO HARD for me to believe at this point in my life! But I will humbly trust..and hope....and yes, grieve a little. (Or a LOT!!)

I trust His wisdom. I trust His plan. And I'm just gonna keep saying that over & over again till it sinks into my heart...

and slowly release my grasp...