obedience

Heartache, emptiness, loneliness...there is an element of this that makes me feel all these and more. Obedience...as far as I can muster the strength to do it. Surrounded by those I love and in my home, I still feel the bittersweet ache. Some piece of what my heart feels as "home" is missing. I can't explain it. Oh, how I would LOVE the answer to why! But I can only paste on a smile & pretend the ache isn't there. What else can I do?

I fully realize that no one can really understand how I feel, no one "gets it." How can I expect anyone to when I don't even understand?

I do cling to this hope...that there IS a reason, a bigger purpose. I have fulfilled a huge piece of my calling and been a small part of many things that will affect the masses. I know this. But as to what lies ahead of me....I can only shake my head in confusion. Swallow my sorrow. And remain silent...when my soul wants to scream out.

I can do all the right things, act the right way, go thru the motions of my life. But oh...that yearning, that reaching for a life beyond what I've been given....it never leaves me.

Today was a difficult one. One step forward, two steps back. Literally running thru my pain, three miles' worth. Crying once again...it may be a new record of days filled with tears. Reminiscing about how I got here, how this got so deeply embedded in my heart...and the sweet peace of knowing, truly KNOWING...that I am not crazy. Thank You God for that!

This is me. This is my life. I am destined for everything I'm faced with. The path I've been on is NOT an accident. The way ahead may be cloudy, but I will keep steadily moving forward in my obedience.