Stillness

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still... (Exodus 14:14)

Powerful, so powerful...but this is something I need to keep reminding myself of. 

Long, long ago I went thru a hard situation where God called me to let go of something, and someone. Something I did NOT want to let go of, truthfully. It was tough, It was painful. And the repercussions were excruciating. It felt like I was gonna lose absolutely everything I held dear. And for awhile, I thought I had. But time proved differently.

During this time, trying to navigate thru the storm that followed my decision, I clung VERY tightly to God...I drew closer to Him than I had in quite awhile. And He was very clear. In this, even though I was perceived as evil, and awful, and a terrible person, I had to be still. Stay silent. He would take care of it. And, I was not to say anything to defend myself, or say anything that might tarnish someone else's reputation. I was to stand strong with Him in the midst of being attacked, and trust Him to fight for me. 

It was (and still is) one of the hardest things I've ever done, emotionally. 

These issues still continue to haunt me. I still see the effects all around me. I still question whether my friends, my true friends, love me and trust me enough to know my heart. And I've seen, in a beautiful way, that my real friends do. But that has NOT been easy to do. It's been a lot harder for me to trust. A lot harder to freely love, to make myself vulnerable. 

And sometimes, it becomes very hard to trust that God is truly working good out of all of this. I have to shut the enemy's voices out of my head and cling to that truth once again..."the Lord will fight for you.."  

I don't know what the end result of this will be, or if it will ever end. But I can stand strong and know that I have been completely obedient to God in all of this. I have trusted Him. I have been still, and silent, when I could have said and exposed SO much.

There is power in standing with God though. Extreme power in leaving things to Him. It may be tough, it may be lonely sometimes, it may be painful, but the rewards are sweet. You can hold your head high. You can face your friends and be real..."take me or leave me...you know my heart..." And the extreme joy when they stick around with you, and how deep that makes your friendship, is a beautiful thing that honestly can't happen any other way.

God blesses obedience. This I know for sure. This, I have experienced. :) 

No Idea

Yeah I haven't blogged in awhile, but that's not important now. 

What is? Just this...

I was about to give up. Yep, all day. Tempted. Felt discouraged. Disappointed. Rejected. And eventually, angry. You did it to me again. Or, did I let you? Do I know better? Yes. Have I been here before? You betcha. Yet, just one lil thing that bothered me...and I wanted to give up. Walk away. Doubt you again. Doubt the call again.

Don't think I didn't ask God to make me stay. Don't think I didn't make a deal with Him to have you reach out before I let go. I did. Quite a few times. But nothing happened.

It didn't truly hit me till I locked myself in my fave prayer room, gritted my teeth, and determined to pray for you...just how angry & fed up I was.

Because, for the first time in months...I couldn't pray for you. I had no words. And I had NO desire. That brought me to my knees, asking God to keep that ugly bitterness away from me. Because if I can't pray for you...if that God-communication isn't there...if that wedge is present...then...this is nothing. Meaningless. My call ceases to exist. So I prayed. First for forgiveness. Then for any negativity to be washed away. Only then could I clear my heart enough to pray for you. Sure, it was a rather short prayer. :) But it was heartfelt. And freely offered. And it reminded me again of the selfless sacrifice I MUST make for you.  

Because it is my purpose. My privilege. My honor.

And then, like a glimmer of hope...you reached out again. That path to connection was made. All was well. God gave me that approval once again. And for my waiting, as it always is, it was sweeter. Again.

"God says He’ll restore to you the years the locust (enemy) has eaten (Joel 2:25), and whatever He restores will be better in quality!" ~Joel Prince

This is His promise...and He has delivered!! :)