one of those obligatory year-end blogs...

Well, this year was.....kinda crazy. I can honestly say that I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year, in a lot of different areas. And in a lot better ways! I've learned a lot. And still some of those lingering questions remain. But maybe there are some lessons throughout the madness...

I wrote a lot this year. A lot of gut-wrenching, emotional stuff....songs, poems, bits & pieces here & there. Prayer journals I never finished. Snapshots in time. And lots & lots of encouraging, heartfelt, God-driven notes...that I pray will bear much fruit in the years to come.

I cried a lot this year. Long-overdue mourning for best friends lost...and still deeply missed. Bittersweet lonely sobs for longings unfulfilled that never seem to subside. Grateful tears for unexpected blessings...and friendships blossoming in new ways. Renewal in many areas of my heart, soul, and spirit.

I gave up a lot this year. Control of things I can no longer dare to try to figure out. Dreams that flew away down roads to nowhere. Bitterness and anger for situations that were never meant to hurt me, but to teach me how to love better, and stronger, and harder....and longer. Plans that never quite panned out in the way I hoped. And unfair expectations that were replaced with joyful surprises in the end.

I loved a lot this year. Through frustration. And disappointment. And misunderstanding. And anger. And fear. And pain. And sorrow. And distrust. And silence. And distance. And loneliness. And emptiness. And sadness. And longing. And time. And trying again. And fresh starts. And new beginnings. And understanding. And faith. And hope. And trust. And openness. And freedom. And laughter. And joy.

I feel like this was a transition year. 2008 was rough. 2009 felt like I was opening up again, being prepared, getting ready. For whatever God has in store for me in 2010. I'm bracing myself.

So Lord I pray, make me worthy of the things You've blessed me with. Worthy of my awesome calling. Mindful of my words and actions in the light of eternity. Help me to tread carefully in the places where eyes will read and ears will hear. And to hold cautiously the precious hearts You've trusted me with. I am awestruck as I think of the wonders You've shown me in the past year. Thank You for abundant healing. Undeserving love. Friendships restored and deepened. A purpose that's not always easy, but strangely fulfilling. Only in emptying myself, and being filled with You. Your words. Your love. Your will. Your purposes. Your destiny. More of You, and less of me. Always. Give me strength.....and faith....and hope.....and especially, LOVE.

Letting go....

I am struggling today with this "letting go" thing. For a situation in my past. Oh yes, I've forgiven. I'm free from that. And I hold no ill will. It's the moving on that's hard. I can see I'm being blamed for someone else's misery. I can see they're making themselves miserable by holding on to bitterness, and coming against me for it. Still I remain silent. But when you truly pray for someone to be blessed, to be free, to move on...and they don't...that hurts. I hurt for them. And I'm starting to blame myself as well. What I did in ending a friendship was truly what God told me to do. So He could bless us both in ways He never could when we were together. But I know I am the only one who believes this. Sometimes love means saying goodbye. Sometimes true love requires letting go. There's no way I can get anyone else to understand that. And still it goes on...the picking and blaming and hating. I hate being hated. I hate to think I'm the reason for someone else's pain. So I keep praying....still grieving inside, and attempting to leave it in God's hands.