one of those obligatory year-end blogs...

Well, this year was.....kinda crazy. I can honestly say that I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year, in a lot of different areas. And in a lot better ways! I've learned a lot. And still some of those lingering questions remain. But maybe there are some lessons throughout the madness...

I wrote a lot this year. A lot of gut-wrenching, emotional stuff....songs, poems, bits & pieces here & there. Prayer journals I never finished. Snapshots in time. And lots & lots of encouraging, heartfelt, God-driven notes...that I pray will bear much fruit in the years to come.

I cried a lot this year. Long-overdue mourning for best friends lost...and still deeply missed. Bittersweet lonely sobs for longings unfulfilled that never seem to subside. Grateful tears for unexpected blessings...and friendships blossoming in new ways. Renewal in many areas of my heart, soul, and spirit.

I gave up a lot this year. Control of things I can no longer dare to try to figure out. Dreams that flew away down roads to nowhere. Bitterness and anger for situations that were never meant to hurt me, but to teach me how to love better, and stronger, and harder....and longer. Plans that never quite panned out in the way I hoped. And unfair expectations that were replaced with joyful surprises in the end.

I loved a lot this year. Through frustration. And disappointment. And misunderstanding. And anger. And fear. And pain. And sorrow. And distrust. And silence. And distance. And loneliness. And emptiness. And sadness. And longing. And time. And trying again. And fresh starts. And new beginnings. And understanding. And faith. And hope. And trust. And openness. And freedom. And laughter. And joy.

I feel like this was a transition year. 2008 was rough. 2009 felt like I was opening up again, being prepared, getting ready. For whatever God has in store for me in 2010. I'm bracing myself.

So Lord I pray, make me worthy of the things You've blessed me with. Worthy of my awesome calling. Mindful of my words and actions in the light of eternity. Help me to tread carefully in the places where eyes will read and ears will hear. And to hold cautiously the precious hearts You've trusted me with. I am awestruck as I think of the wonders You've shown me in the past year. Thank You for abundant healing. Undeserving love. Friendships restored and deepened. A purpose that's not always easy, but strangely fulfilling. Only in emptying myself, and being filled with You. Your words. Your love. Your will. Your purposes. Your destiny. More of You, and less of me. Always. Give me strength.....and faith....and hope.....and especially, LOVE.

Letting go....

I am struggling today with this "letting go" thing. For a situation in my past. Oh yes, I've forgiven. I'm free from that. And I hold no ill will. It's the moving on that's hard. I can see I'm being blamed for someone else's misery. I can see they're making themselves miserable by holding on to bitterness, and coming against me for it. Still I remain silent. But when you truly pray for someone to be blessed, to be free, to move on...and they don't...that hurts. I hurt for them. And I'm starting to blame myself as well. What I did in ending a friendship was truly what God told me to do. So He could bless us both in ways He never could when we were together. But I know I am the only one who believes this. Sometimes love means saying goodbye. Sometimes true love requires letting go. There's no way I can get anyone else to understand that. And still it goes on...the picking and blaming and hating. I hate being hated. I hate to think I'm the reason for someone else's pain. So I keep praying....still grieving inside, and attempting to leave it in God's hands.

Breakthrough

Funny how God speaks. :)

Breakthrough, was this mentioned in my last blog comments? Why yes, yes it was. :) And major breakthrough is what I got after my last blog! Something I longed for, but something that I didn't even need...broke through, and God whispered..."See?? Trust Me. :) " Yes, the smile IS the part of the quote from God. He smiles on me a lot. :) Way more than I deserve.

So that is the praise...here comes the struggle...

If it would've ended there I would've been ok. I think. But there was a little more that took me somewhere that I'm not sure I wanted to go. It grabbed me. And broke me down in tears. Happy tears for awhile. That laugh/cry thing. But it wasn't long before I was like ohhhhhh.....am I really back here again?

It led me on a journey of my past. It led me back to a journal that I started pouring my heart out in....my TRUE heart, that NO one fully knows about....about 5 years ago. Let me tell you, some things in my life have DRASTICALLY changed since then. But my heart has not. And back then, I thought my heart was messed up. I read things today that floored me. Cuz I was SO SURE there were so many things that I needed to let go of, to move on from, to RUN away from...but I took a path that led me straight into it. The pain in my heart right now makes me think I took a wrong path. But when I look at the results of where I've journeyed the past 5 years or so, it makes me want to fall down on my knees and sob like a baby at the enormity of it all. Had I taken that other path (which I FULLY thought was God's will, and it still to this day makes NO SENSE that it wasn't, since I received much insight from good solid Christian books, teachers, etc that it was!) there are countless people that would have been affected, would have missed out. I would not have been obedient to my calling. I would not have been there for the people that needed me. I would not have been a part of things that were, and still are, world-changing.

But none of this makes sense. It only has me more confused. Looking back at this journal, I was SO SURE what God wanted me to do back then. It was right. It was wise. It was Biblical.

Honestly I know that I am where I am for a reason. But let me assure you, there are reasons I can't be specific about anything. I am smack-dab in the middle of a life that is not the norm. My issues are very unique. And that is why God holds me so close. Why He Himself speaks to me about such things. The things He has put in my heart, only things He could do, which He put there years ago, crossed my paths with His Divine intervention. And I accept it now, that no one can relate. No one can fully understand or advise. To those close to me...know this...I do not expect you to. If you are giving me God's words and wisdom, from HIM alone, it is exactly what I need. But this is God & me. Always has been, always will be. My calling is very personal, very deep, and something I must keep very close and be very careful with. I count it as precious and cherish it. And God is whispering to me now..."You took the right path. See how I accomplished wonders you could never even imagine back then? Hold on to those things in your heart. I put them there for a reason. MY reason. For MY purposes. Do NOT LET GO! I am NOT DONE." And I trust that God has me in the palm of His hand. I'm stepping very verrrry slowly around the mountain this time. I can not see even one tiny piece of my future.

But I trust that He will make it good.

sick

I'm sick of trying to get people to love me who have no clue how to...and who really don't care.

I'm sick of kidding myself.

I'm sick of regretting my past.

I'm sick of feeling dumb for every single thing I do.

I'm sick of being angry at someone who hurt me so bad, and who now doesn't even seem to care.

I'm sick of thinking everyone's making fun of me.

I'm sick of sleepwalking through my life.

I'm sick of being afraid of trying.

I'm sick of letting my past fears rule my future.

I'm sick of thinking the impossible can't happen to ME.

I'm sick of watching everyone else get what I want.

I'm sick of life being so hard on the inside, when from the outside it looks like everything's fine.

I'm sick of closing myself off to those who could be my friends because I'm so afraid to trust again.

I'm sick of feeling alone.

I'm sick of feeling alone, yet choosing to close myself off.

I'm sick of being confused about my purpose.

I'm just sick....sick of the enemy paralyzing me, sick of being a slave to my addictions, sick of craving approval from others, sick of living the way I've been living.

Somehow, someway....

I want to get better.

nothing to go on...

That's where I find myself. God is speaking CLEARLY to me, and I am blindly following His lead, but I have no idea if what I'm doing is right, or being received, or is even timely! But He has whispered these things to me before, and I have gotten small hints that what I am doing is making a difference. So I've gotta believe right now that He is leading me on the right path...for this very time, for this very place, for this very moment in history. Cuz WOW...this is going to impact countless people for Christ. It's gonna be HUGE. I can feel it. It's not in anything I'm doing, but thru the vessel God is calling me to be...to be the one who speaks His words to one that will touch the world. Love that. I am awed & humbled, once again. And I pray that I speak nothing but His words, that my motives always stay pure, and that I give all my heart and soul to lifting up this precious need. AMEN!!

Fearless Love

So I am seriously learning a lot about love lately. And not in the way that I might have expected to talk about, or think I should learn it...but in a way that hits home hard. I gotta admit, I've circled around this mountain before....a few times even! God gives me this test a lot, each time on a deeper and more intense scale. I guess I'd call it "loving the unlovely." And no, it's not really about loving my enemies(we've scratched the surface of that, but not dug deep yet) or about loving those who are undesirable. On the contrary. It's about loving those who I love SO much, and learning how to love them when they don't do what I want, or act the way I want, or fit nicely into my plan of the way life should work to make me happy! :) Understand, these are not people who deliberately try to annoy me. In fact, I believe that they care about me very much. They are just clueless. Perhaps they don't know how to love in general, or how to love selflessly, or have no clue how to love me properly. Whatever the case may be, I've allowed them to hurt me tremendously. And this has affected my relationships in ugly ways. By withdrawing from rejection, by masking hurt feelings, by acting as if I don't care...or even by hurting deliberately in return. That one is the most harmful. Doesn't that make me even more at fault? By deliberately hurting those who never intended to hurt me? Awful thing. But true nonetheless. So where does all this come from?

I am the baby in my family. Youngest of four girls. And OHHH how my sisters gushed over me. Protected me. Took good care of me. I worked that "baby" status for all it was worth! But there comes a point in life when the "baby" is cast out into the real world and realizes...I'm not the center of attention here. Something must be wrong with the world! :) Or tragically, something must be wrong with ME. We do crazy things to get attention. We smother even our closest friends. We so crave love and affection that we will stop at nothing to get it....until we realize that attention never comes...and we withdraw and hide parts of ourselves, thinking surely WE are the problem. Neither extreme is right. But I did have to finally understand somewhere along the line that it's not all about ME. And that's when God began to teach me how to love sacrificially. And He placed just the right people in my life to draw out my ugly sides, and love me enough to CALL me on them, and made me loyal to them unconditionally because of a deep-rooted desire to love, and be loved. These lessons have been my most painful ones to learn, but also my greatest blessings.
I've failed in loving lately. I've fallen back into selfish withdrawing, or relentlessly smothering. Right now God has given me revelation...and peace. And my mission right now is to love. Love without fear of rejection. Without expecting anything in return. And love as deeply as I've been hurt. This will be my key to finally finding my lasting peace....freedom for those I love....and in the end, freedom for me as well. After one more trip around this mountain. :)

heartache

still here
loving beyond reason
when it doesn't make sense
call me crazy
but I know better
no one can see
or understand
just what goes on
in my heart
you've shown me joy
and shown me pain
sometimes so intermingled
I can't tell them apart
but no one else
can touch so deep
the hidden places
of my soul
only you
show me His love
so clearly
so thru my pain
I show His love
to you

Rise Up and PRAY

I've blogged before about my calling to pray, and beyond that, to be a prayer warrior for people God has placed in my life. The true meaning behind those words really hit me today. I know in my heart when those I love need prayer...I will sense them on my heart, and feel a deep pressure, a burden, even a painful longing to help them in some way. The enemy often tries to distract me from my true purpose of prayer by dismissing these thoughts from my head as no big deal, or just natural memories. But I've learned to listen to that nudging, because I know that those I pray for are involved in deep spiritual battles. Those who are called to spread the Word on a huge scale are also the ones who the enemy attacks the hardest.They may not always have the time, the energy, or the strength to fight. This is why they need people to stand in the gap. And not only stand and pray, but fight and battle powerfully on their behalf. This is why I take my calling as a prayer warrior very seriously. There is an intense battle going on for the souls of many. And the pressure of that is overwhelming when it sits on one person's shoulders. The enemy has especially been distracting me lately from praying, and praying powerfully, in more ways than I can count. But today I sense a renewed nudging in my spirit to fight. And so I'm digging in and taking up my armor and doing my best. In this, I ask for your prayers on my behalf as well.

Back Again

...so I haven't blogged in awhile, but I really feel like I need to blog more. I have no idea what'll come out here, but I sure need an outlet lately! Part of the problem has been lack of something to say...but mostly I think I have been held back by fear. A fear that has had ahold of me for awhile. I've been afraid to be myself. Afraid that people will see, and think I'm weird, or judge me. I'm still slowly getting over that fear. I used to feel so free...I had the freedom to be honest about my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. But then everything in my life came crashing down, and all those negative things about me were magnified, and used against me. So I've held back. And I've lost a lot in that process. I'm slowly learning how to be "me" again though. God is leading me...

I have so many things rolling around in my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. Things I just don't understand. Just when I feel content and think I've got things figured out, everything changes. And it's harder and harder to depend on anything anymore. Those who used to be there for me are gone. Those I love dearly are being held at arm's length right now. And that is SO hard for me to accept. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned. I know I need to trust in, and lean on, God. But I'll be honest. He feels far away from me too right now. My thinking has not been right. I'm chasing things that will never satisfy me. I'm falling back into old, unhealthy habits. I know this. And still I can't seem to climb my way out. God is patient with me. I know He's there to help me. But still, nothing changes. I reach out and find emptiness. So I feel I must be in this pit for a reason. Oh how I'm sick of being stuck! And the purposes He seemed to make clear to me awhile back are nowhere to be seen right now. I doubt they were even real to being with. But still I press on. One thing I've never been able to do is give up. I guess that's a good thing. No matter what disappointing things people do to me, I'm never quite ready to let them go & say forget it. I'm loyal to a fault, I think some would say. But in that, I hope to find my greatest blessing.
More to come...

P.S. I find it quite ironic that my last blog was about forgetting past disappointments. Since then, I laid aside my fear, found strength to reach out again, and found disappointment....again. Very discouraging. But this, too, holds a lesson I need to learn. I can feel it. I just don't know what it is. Right now it just hurts. A lot.

What God is Teaching Me

Bobby Conner:
"The Grace to Forget Past Disappointments"

"…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."—Philippians 3:13-14

Have you ever entertained any of these thoughts: "Why didn't I….? I never should have…! If only he had… I'll never be able to forgive…" These thoughts are thoughts of regret, shame and guilt, resulting from past disappointments which most of us have experienced.

Although we all have been disappointed, we're not meant to carry these disappointments into the future. Hanging onto the past is a major stronghold for many Believers. Dwelling on past mistakes, failures, losses or betrayals year after year brings an increasing weight of sin, shame and guilt—which will inevitably lead to bitterness, weariness, self-pity, accusation, doubt, unbelief and the fear that the future will just be a repeat of the past. Once disappointed, always disappointed, you reason. If they disappointed me once, they will disappoint me again.

By dwelling on past disappointments, you lose confidence in relationships with others, with God and with yourself. One of the main keys to overcoming disappointments in life is learning to let go of the past. This letting go is difficult for many because we're required not only to let go, but, in its place, to take hold of something new: we must learn to love again and to trust again—and sometimes the heart is still too wounded and hardened to open to love.

So what can we do? First, we must recognize and admit to ourselves and to the Lord that we are disappointed and that our heart has hardened to love. This may be difficult to confess, as part of the pain of disappointment is fearing that disappointment will happen again and again. We fear being disappointed if we dare to trust again and maybe even fearing to trust God again.
But we can take courage by understanding that the Lord's very purpose in coming, as He Himself declared early on, was to "bind up the brokenhearted" (Isaiah 61:1), to heal our disappointed hearts and restore hope to our innermost being. He understands deeply that we are brokenhearted by sin and failures and He has compassion for our souls.

This Hebrew word translated brokenhearted is shabar, an extremely vivid and powerful adjective that means maimed, crippled, wrecked, crushed, quenched, violently ruptured. Is this the condition of your disappointed heart?

Do you feel like you've been crushed because of betrayal?
Do you feel ruptured beyond repair because of lost dreams or lost loves?
Do you feel your hopes and prayers have been wrecked?
Do you feel crippled from an impossibly difficult journey?
Do you feel the Lord Himself has disappointed you by prayers that have gone unanswered or dreams that are still painfully unfulfilled?
Have you disappointed yourself by some egregious sin of the past?

You have no options but this: you must let go of the past. How, you ask? By choosing to forgive those who have hurt you, betrayed you, left you or wronged you. And choose to forgive yourself for your reactions to these injustices or for your own betrayals. You let go of the past by believing that God will restore to you anything and everything that was taken, including love, relationships, time, money, dreams, hopes, talents.

This truth, for many, is difficult to grasp: can the Lord truly restore lost time? Lost opportunities? Lost love? Yes He can and not only can He, but He greatly desires to restore to you everything you have lost—redeeming, restoring and multiplying it back to you.
Meditate on this marvelous promise from our Lord: "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you" (Joel 2:25).

At the very moment you gave your heart to Jesus Christ, you became a new creation: "...old things passed away and everything became new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). When you receive Christ's forgiveness in your own life, you are released from the pressure to make up for past mistakes or failures. Christ has put your sins as far from you as the east is from the west, never to remember them again. Guilt and shame are gone and you can live in freedom. How is this possible?

Consider the Cross! He bore your sins as the Passover Lamb. Do not take His death in vain by attempting to remedy your own sins and failures by holding on to them in remorse—or holding others' sins and failures against them in accusation. None of us are righteous: the Blood of the Lamb is the only remedy for sin. The only remedy for past disappointments is to repent and turn to Christ, thanking Him for making all things new.

"Then He who sat on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful.'"

Revelation 21:5 Christ is the same "yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). That means He made all things new yesterday, He makes all things new today, and He will make all things new tomorrow. There is nothing at any time in your life which He cannot make new! Cast all your cares upon Him, receive His yoke, and you will find rest for your life.

Begin to experience the bright future God has in store for you. Don't let the regrets of yesterday destroy your hopes for tomorrow. Many Believers lead lives of "quiet desperation" as Thoreau described, hardly aware that they have ceased to dream big dreams and pray big prayers, believing God for the impossible.

Be vigilant to cast off any trace of the fear of future disappointments and trust the Lord's kindness toward you, receiving His grace to forget the past. He is an extraordinarily generous, caring and tender Father who knows what is best for His children. Abandon yourself to His care, for His name is "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11).

"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." Psalm 9:10

No matter what has happened in the past, know that our God is a God of restoration—and He will restore what the enemy has stolen from you as He promises in the Book of Joel. Accept God's mercy and forgiveness today, as His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is not just adequate—it is great (Lamentations 3:23)! Great is His faithfulness! Look forward to the exceedingly wonderful plan He has for your future.

"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." Ephesians 3:20

Pray this with me: Precious Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of forgiveness, the gift that releases me from the pains of the past and enables me to run towards You and the bright future You have in store for me! Please show me if there are any areas of unforgiveness or hardness in my heart, so that I may forgive, receive Your infinite love and walk in victory. I ask You to impart to me the dreams and vision You have for my life, restoring all the enemy has stolen. I ask for the grace to forget past disappointments. I believe You are granting this to me now even as I pray! Amen!

(from The Elijah List, 7/21/09)

restless heart

can't let go
of things that got a hold on me
it's killing me inside
and I have nowhere to go
I'm falling so fast
no hope of hangin on
can't see my way around it
and I can't go back

So where are You leading me
when I can't feel You at all
When I can't find my way
And all I hear is silence
Where are You now
when my world is crashin in
I'm a prisoner of my desire
know better but just don't care
did You just disappear
or did I push You away
it's so hard to find You
take me back
cuz I just can't find my way
hold me and don't let go
I won't move till I feel You again
when will I feel You again...

Hope Renewed

HOPE 
–noun
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

–verb
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

to believe, desire, or trust.

to feel that something desired may happen.


My new word study. HOPE. My life has been overflowing with hope. Not because circumstances in my life are always showing me anything hopeful, but because I am FINALLY believing that God will keep His promises. That God Himself put desires and passions in my heart. I've finally decided to stop running away from what has been such a big part of me. Lots of that was where my last blog came from. This hope is just not letting go of me. I think I'm too far gone, I think I've become what Joyce Meyer calls a "PRISONER of hope." Cuz once you start REALLY believing, you can't break free from the joyful expectation that hope brings. And nothing the enemy throws at you can bring you down. Cuz you KNOW that it's bigger than anything that can be proven. Beyond words, beyond sight, beyond human reasoning. Indescribable really. You just know that you know that you know.

Not only did I study the definitions of "hope", but looked up Bible verses as well. I am just SO eager to learn all that God wants to teach me! Here are a few I found...and I knew them before of course, but WOW, in light of what He's showing me, these are exploding in my heart in a whole new way!

Isaiah 40:31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Okay this one has always been my favorite...I made it my own when I first began exercising because of the "walk" and "run" parts....and I would recite it as I'd struggle to finish my workouts! But now the first part jumped out at me "those who HOPE in the Lord..." I have gained some of my weight back....and haven't been able to get it back off again for good. Could this part be the key? Did I stop hoping good things were gonna happen? Did I stop believing I could do it? God revealed this to me yesterday on the treddie(go figure! :) ) That's exactly it. I lost my hope. And now that I have my hope back, He will lead me back to where I was. And that is just one example! Hope is a VERY powerful thing!!

Hebrews 10:35-36 Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
(these are verses that have REALLY ministered to me in the past year as I struggled in my relationships...but I was led to a verse yesterday, a few before this one, that WOWed me..)
Hebrews 10: 23 Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

HERE is the key.....the HOPE is what we need to hold on to...THIS is how the reward comes....after the confident trust, after the patient endurance, which gives us the strength to HOPE, which will lead us directly into the fulfillment of God's promises...and He WILL be faithful! Wow......

There are SO many more verses on/about hope...but I'm gonna end with this one...

Lamentations 3:21-25 I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him!

Amen. AMEN AMEN AMEN! I still dare to hope. I STILL. DARE. to hope. That's so powerful. After all this time, I STILL dare to hope. I still DARE to hope when nothing tells me to. When people say I'm crazy. When the enemy taunts me that nothing will change. That nothing good will happen. When memories remind me of being hurt, disappointed, rejected, hopeless. I STILL DARE TO HOPE. And why? I say to myself....(because I KNOW His Word and it is hidden in my heart and I will SPEAK it!) "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" I WILL hope in Him! Cuz the Lord is WONDERFULLY GOOD to those who WAIT for Him and seek Him!

And that says it all. :) I am expecting God to do GREAT things for me! I will wait on Him and hope in Him. And I will be READY! That's the next thing He is impressing upon me...to be ready for His reward. Through His Word and through many prophecies He is impressing it upon me. Maybe another blog on that to follow soon!

Ready to Soar

"Kay...is in a season of discontent. God is awakening something in me. I have no idea what, or the hows of it. I can't see the end. I'm in transition. But every time I long for more, God doesn't say "No." He says "Don't give up. Just wait. You have no idea what I have in store for you!" I'm holding on today, and believing that this craziness I feel now will manifest in eventual beauty."

This is my current Facebook status...totally inspired. The last few days have been a whirlwind, and I am in awe of what God is doing. Today God is truly awakening me to see the beauty in my life, and in specific prayers of mine that He is answering. I've been looking around me and feeling like I will never reach what I long-ago dreamed for, what I still yearn for now. The enemy told me to stop dreaming, and is still whispering that to me even now. But I'm not falling for it. I'm brushing him aside quite easily and believing that with God all things are possible. He gave me that verse as my own 18 years ago. And has proven it to me in HUGE ways ever since. He has only begun to show me what "impossible" really looks like manifested. I look back at that day when it first became real to me & smile. I feel very strongly that I'm gonna look back at THIS time, today, years from now and realize that this is when I truly GOT IT. When I finally stopped flapping my wings and let the abundant wind of God's promises lift me, carry me, and allow me to soar. Finally. It's time for God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. And for me to let Him. :)

REAL, really??

Oh there's such a big part of me no one knows about. Things I struggle with that no one could possibly understand. Parts of me that are ugly, that I don't even wanna admit to myself.

God has been so good to me...confirming things lately in sweet and miraculous ways that I can't even comprehend. Things that I've cried out to Him for. I've been experiencing many "suddenlys." Like when you long for something & ask God for it over & over again and then after days/months/years of waiting...BOOM there it is. Suddenly!

But why can't I be grateful and move on? Why must I harp on things & want more, bigger, better things? Why is there this part of my heart that will never let go?

I realize none of this makes sense. It shouldn't. I'm just venting for myself I guess. But I would appreciate prayers for breakthrough, which is my OWN doing, breaking through my own stubbornness! There are things I want and crave that I have never understood. God is up to something in my life. I need clear wisdom and discernment to know what that is, to know where I'm going, and how to get there! What do I need to let go of once & for all...and what do I need to just accept and cling to, because God is working in ways that are shaping my future...

Even when it makes no sense at all...

Lessons from the Treddie

I think I've mentioned that God speaks to me most when I'm running on my treadmill. Probably because He has my complete attention when I'm crying out to Him to help me finish. :D Anyway He gave me some doozys today...

~The pain I feel when others reject me (the hardest pain for me!!) is the pain He feels when people reject Him. (Ouch.)

~He wants to be everything to me that I am searching for. I spend a lot of my time reaching out, trying to get others to give me what I need. But He is right there, ALWAYS, ready to offer it. Now I am human & it's not quite that easy all the time. It's SO easy for people to throw out there "God is all you need. Rest in Him." Living that way is pretty difficult though, particularly for me. So this is the lesson He gave me to learn AGAIN today. And it's the one that made the tears flow. Cuz I've been struggling so much lately, chasing people who will never be able to meet my needs, using relationships to fill me that God never intended for that purpose. I need to quit running & chasing after futile things, and rest in Him. Tough lesson. Still workin on it. :)

~He will not reveal His purpose for me, or bring it to fruition, till I begin to accept His gifts as just that...beautiful GIFTS from Him, intended to fulfill His will for my life and His kingdom. The enemy works SO HARD to convince me that my calling is not really my calling...or tries to twist amazing pure things into evil tormenting temptations. Honestly, I fall for that way too much. Too many trips around that mountain. But I will never reach the promised land until I give this calling to Him and let Him have His way with it. (HIS way, not mine!!)

Gosh this post is full of spiritual cliches. Hope you could see through all that mess to the point. ;)

holding pattern

I'm always caught in a crazy mix of being content with where I am, and reaching for something more. I know God wants more for me in some areas, but I've been stuck in a holding pattern of not being sure how to get there for so long. In pondering all this today, I wrote this...


my heart is torn
existing here
but longing
reaching for
what I cannot see

things I cannot control
draw this to me
time & time again
when I run
it finds me
when I forget
it reminds me
and I wonder
will it ever end

sweet relief would be
fulfillment of my dreams
but release never comes

seeing the end
but never reaching
never finding the path
never knowing the way

so I sit and wait
and rest in You


I do write songs, but this isn't one of them...it's just random feelings & emotions that come out in a poetry of sorts...random poetry I like to call it. ;) Anyway, I've written lots of stuff like this, some eventually get tweaked & formed into songs that RHYME (cuz in my world, songs must rhyme :) )...but some stay in this form, just for me. Somehow I know I'm gonna want to go back some day & remember what I felt during these times.

Hopefully when God's promises are fulfilled. :)

Thoughts on Fame

fame
noun
1.
the state or quality of being widely honored and acclaimed [ant: infamy]
2.
favorable public reputation [ant: infamy]



Fame is something that's always fascinated me. Because I never understood how being a Christian and being famous could mix. Yet people seemed to either want it for themselves, or latch onto it like a lifeline, perhaps to make themselves look important. It's not something that I ever admired. I guess because from a very young age my best friend, my first love, was Jesus, and who can possibly compare to Him?? No one else really impressed me, and rightly so. It was the Jesus IN people that I admired. I have an uncanny ability to see Him in people...the REAL Him, not something phony. I can spot phoniness from a mile away.
What impresses me in a true servant of Jesus, is their heart...which, if you look hard enough at someone, always shines through. Someone who doesn't seek to impress. Someone who personifies humbleness and meekness. And someone who always puts God first and gives Him all the glory. Someone who points people to God...who will bend over backwards not to draw people to themselves, but to God, for the answers they seek. The love they crave. And the relationship they desire.
Being a servant of Christ and of His people is pretty much the opposite of fame. Should anyone, as a Christian, seek fame? I don't think so. We should strive to make Jesus famous. I've watched fame, or brushes with fame, do some scary things to people. And then, there are a select few who take fame in stride. Who make it no big deal. Who are even embarrassed by the fame their success has drawn. Because they know it's not about THEM. It is about the One who blessed them with their gifts and the ability to succeed.
I urge anyone looking for notoriety and fame to think about that. To earnestly seek God with all your heart. And never, EVER think it's about you.
And as for the other side, think about how you view those who are famous. Do you expect perfection? Put them on a pedestal that belongs only to God? Perhaps fans are the problem. Maybe it's a vicious cycle. Something more to think about.
In Matthew 22:37-38 Jesus said, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment."
Living our lives outside of this is what seems to cause trouble. So if we live our lives according to this, it puts it all in perspective. And what the world views as "famous" pales in comparison to the greatness that belongs to God alone.

It's weird how you can connect so closely with people...yet are never permitted beyond the outskirts of their lives. I mean, all that is really in God's hands, but when you feel so called towards something...called to pray for, support, embrace, and get inspired for someone else's vision...but never get to take part in it...it's a lonely thing. There's a part of me that hates standing in the shadows. Growing up, I always thought I'd be somewhere right up front, basking in the spotlight. But obviously that's not God's plan for me.

I've gotten a lot of confirmation from God that I'm on the right track lately...but no real direction on where to take it. More of like...here it is, little by little, step by step....take it slowly & you will see Me unfold the plan... It's quite exciting on one hand, but on the other, it requires a LOT of patience. (Sigh.) When things take years & years to come to fruition, perseverance and BOLD faith are very much required. So I need to cling tightly to my Father during these times. Let Him hold me. Let Him be all I need. And try not to do anything out of selfish ambition. Or desire attention for my obedience. Or rush things along. It's a hard calling that has GREAT rewards when they do come, but the fulfillments are few & far between. I have peace in knowing that I am holding up the arms of a great mouthpiece of the King when it becomes weak. And knowing that I am making a difference. But beyond that, it's just more of the ordinary every day normalcy. I get bored pretty easy. Contentment is not my strong suit. I tend to be restless. And the more I taste, the more restless I become.

God is doing great things. I have no clue what the future holds. But I am learning to rest in my part in destiny.

Matthew 6:6
But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father secretly. Then your Father, who knows all secrets, will reward you.

Wow I haven't blogged in awhile...guess I got sick of the whole "blog" thing pretty quickly. ;) I have had way too much on my mind and on my plate lately, so although I probably could've written about many numerous things, I chose to keep them to myself. Thing is, the enemy has been playing with my mind FAR too much lately & I'm fed up with it. I'm sick of the lies, tired of the attacks. Today was the last straw. I've been working out consistently for the past 5 weeks or so, hardcore!! I've been exercising pretty regularly for over ten years now, for weight loss, but my weight had creeped back up a lil bit so I finally bit the bullet & went back to my ole school KILLER workouts to kick off these extra pounds that I HATE! Well I happen to hate exercise, always have. I never get up & ask myself if I wanna exercise, cuz my answer will always be NO!! I just get up & do it to get it over with. Well today I let myself ask the question, and my answer was no, and I ALMOST listened. I entertained the lies the enemy has been throwing at me lately..."what's the point...this isn't working...you always try & fail...why work so hard??...it's not worth it....just go back to bed & wallow in your loser-ness." (Yeah he makes up dumb words!!) Well I knew what that would lead to. Me being depressed & feeling like a failure ALL DAY & I was NOT gonna do that! I grabbed onto God's strength, (cuz I had NONE of my own left!) and got up on the treddie & just DID it. And now I'm sitting here sweaty & very proud. Gosh there's no way I could do this without Him. All the weight I lost years ago, and my efforts to get this lil bit back off now, are all by His grace & strength alone. I know why the enemy is wanting to get me to quit. Cuz I don't just run on the treddie. It's my time with the Lord, every day....worshipping, praising, praying(my powerful prayers, which of COURSE the enemy hates!!)...when I run, I feel His presence in a way I never do anywhere else...it makes a huge difference in my day. And when I don't do it, I can FEEL it, believe me, both in my body AND my spirit.

All this to say, I am NOT letting the enemy mess with me anymore. His lies have been relentless....."you're no good....this isn't gonna work out...you're gonna be disappointed again....you're gonna be rejected....others get blessed, but not you...you will never have anything good...everyone else is better than you...God will never give you what you truly desire...you are in this mess & it's all your fault!" Yeah, stuff like that. I know why, too...it's because God has me set up for a huge victory, and WOW God is pressing me too, He's working on me so hard that it's overwhelming sometimes. But to whom much is given, much is required. And He is blessing me with a LOT and leading me in to even greater things. I declare that right now!! So, NO MORE, stupid devil! You can no longer have your way with me or anyone else that I love!!! STEP OFF!!!

Forgiveness...to Healing...

Luke 6 :27 "But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. 28 Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. 30 Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. 31 Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 32 "Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 35 "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for He is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
37 "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven. 38 If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving – large or small – it will be used to measure what is given back to you."



Forgiveness. It's something I've had to deal with on a certain level all my life, but I never had much of a problem with it. I'm a naturally forgiving person. I hate conflict, can't stand when people are mad at me. So it's easy for me to give in and smooth things over, for the most part. (Well, in every area of my life but my marriage, that is. When it comes to my hubby, I'm very stubborn & hate to give in! ;) ) I've pretty much gotten along with the people in my life, and I'm a likeable person. Actually the few times in my life when I've had to wrestle with forgiveness were in some pretty major situations. One of these, on the smallest scale, was about a year ago. A friend of mine, who I had known for about 3 years, did some things that pretty much ended our friendship. There were issues of trust, and betrayal, and mistreatment that had gone on for far too long. Certain events happened that were simply unfixable. I could have given in till the cows came home, and actually she asked me to, but the hurt was never dealt with. It was glossed over & dismissed. The more I tried to fix it, the worse it got. So I had to let go, give her to God, and end the friendship on my part. I didn't know for how long. But God told me to walk away. And almost a year later, we still have not spoken. This was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We were close...in the end I realized we were way TOO close, too soon. I trusted her with a lot of my heart, before I even knew if she was trustworthy. Which, it turns out, she wasn't. I've never been real careful about the friends I choose...in fact, I believe God is the one Who brings certain people into our lives for a reason. But not everyone is meant to be a close friend. A wise man chooses his friends carefully, the Bible says.

So, onto the process of forgiveness. This has been a really tough journey for me. She had such a hold on me through manipulation that I felt physically sick when I made the decision to stop communication, after a brief email explaining why I was being silent. The days and weeks that followed were very hard. But God kept assuring me I was doing the right thing, and that He was holding me, even as my comfort zone was falling apart. All I needed was Him, and I clung to Him desperately! One decision I made early on was to pray for her. And not just the obligatory prayers, but I began to pray abundant blessings over her, her family, and her life. This was NOT easy. I frankly didn't want her to be blessed! I didn't want harm to come to her, but I wanted her to be miserable without me, come to her senses, beg for my friendship back, and do a complete turn-around in how she treated me. Guess what? Never happened. I chose to keep my opinions of her & what had happened to myself, confiding only in a few close trustworthy friends who weren't acquainted with her(and therefore, nothing I said could harm their opinions of her), instead of spreading them around on the internet, harming her reputation. It was difficult, especialy since she was doing just that to me. But God kept assuring me I was doing the right thing. And I clung to that in my pain.

The other day a situation came to my attention, as has happened several times in the past year, that this friend is indeed being blessed. See, part of the problem was, she was using me in a way, to further herself. And it turns out, it's worked quite well for her. The things of mine she tried to get, she got. And even better than I had, in some instances. And may have harmed what I have in the process. So my dilemma is this. How mature am I? How strongly am I holding on to God's promises? This brings me to the verses above. I knew the "pray for your enemies" part...I knew the "do good" part. I knew to "bless and not curse." But even as the first step is praying for my enemies to be blessed, isn't the next step logically to know how to be happy for them when they are? Well, through my angry tears, this part dawned on me yesterday. And it was a MAJOR breakthrough for me. A huge step in healing my broken heart, which is still reeling from my loss. Can I really be that bold, that unselfish? Can I really leave it to God to work it out and not try to "vindicate" this myself through bitterness and envy in my own soul? Cuz I know that is counterproductive anyway. That will only hurt ME in the end.

God promises in these verses that when we give freely, and do not expect anything back from others, He will, in turn, bless us. And abundantly, in ways we can not even begin to imagine, even more than we can fathom! As Joyce Meyer says, based on other Scripture, He will give us "double for our trouble"! This is particularly healing for me in the areas which she has stolen things from me, cuz I'm not sure if they will ever be restored. That makes it more difficult. But those who have wronged us can never pay us back. Only God can. And in being obedient...by praying, and blessing & not cursing her...I am able to claim those promises. Now to THAT, I can sincerely say, PRAISE GOD!!! :)

It's been tough to recover from this. I am still learning how to not close myself off, but also to be careful and wise in friendship. This can make me seem unfriendly or rude at times, I'm sure. But I've learned a lot about boundaries, and who I am in Christ, and how to never let anyone control my life but Him. I am always learning. And again, I know that those whom God sends to love me will understand. So far, He has made it abundantly clear. :)

Big Enough

You turned water into wine - how extraordinary

Gave sight to the blind, still I carry

My own load when You told me

To take Your yoke ‘cause Yours is easy

And even though my issues seem trivial

You alone are never too imperial

It's just the way that You love me

It's enough to convince me

And I don't wanna box You in

You've been doing big things since the world began

Sometimes I just don't wanna believe

That You're big enough

You're big enough, yeah..

I don't wanna box You in

You've been doing big things since the world began

Sometimes I just don't understand

that You're big enough

But You're big enough Jesus

You turned darkness into light - keep my lamp burning

And You are my everything

There's no denying, Your love is so amazing

And even though my problems seem typical

Nothing for You is ever too difficult

You never have reservations

Love without limitations

And I don't wanna box You in

You've been doing big things since the world began

Sometimes I just don't wanna believe

That You're big enough

You're big enough yeah!

I don't wanna box You in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't understand
that You're big enough
But You're big enough...

Oh, no matter how I try to get around it - I'm reminded

Wherever I go I'm totally surrounded

It's all about You

I can never doubt You

Even if I wanted to…

And I don't wanna box You in

You've been doing big things since the world began

Sometimes I just don't wanna believe

That You're big enough

You're big enough yeah!

See I don't wanna box You in
You've been doing big things since the world began
Sometimes I just don't understand
that You're big enough
But You're big enough Jesus!!

~Ayiesha Woods

Prayer Warrior

Last week I was watching Faith & Fame, a show on the Gospel Music Channel that's kind of like a "Behind the Music" for Christian artists. This episode was about Amy Grant. Now, Christian music has been a big part of my life since I was about 13 years old. And Amy Grant was my gal! LOVED her! Back then, in Christian music, there was pretty much her, Michael W. Smith, Petra, and Stryper. And my church never approved of Christian music (long story, I'm sure I'll get into it someday..but I went to a Lutheran church that pretty much thought that anything outside of our particular branch of the denomination was evil.) So, anyway, Amy was my hero. I wanted to be just like her. Went to church all my life, but her music was a turning point for me. Me & God were tight, but her songs showed me how to have a real relationship with Him. My first step of learning to fall in LOVE with Him. Changed my world....and I looked up to her like no one else. Well fast forward quite a few years, as many of you know, there was the whole divorce issue, how she divorced her first husband Gary Chapman (who I also LOVED!) and married Vince Gill. I was furious about that for a long time. During the time she was "friends" with Vince, I was living down in Nashville(lived there bout a year & a half...more on that later too no doubt..) and the gossip down there was that they were seen around town together, A LOT, when she was still married, acting totally inappropriate. And I remember thinking, "why isn't anyone confronting her on this??" So yeah, the divorce was final, she remarried, and I judged her for quite awhile. Many deep issues inside of me caused this to hit a big nerve. But as I watched the re-telling of her story on TV last week, it hit me. I didn't hold it against her anymore. I didn't judge her. It hit me HARD......had I ever prayed for her back then? Prayed for her faith? Prayed for her marriage? I had been a fan of her music, bought the T-shirts, gone to concerts, dreamed of meeting her....but had I ever spent time on my knees on her behalf? So how on earth could I judge her? And what burned me too was, hearing again how badly she was judged by the Christian music industry. Pulling her music off the shelves, cancelling shows, shunning her. It made me wonder...how many of THESE industry people ever said a prayer for Amy Grant? They knew what she was going through....they were the ones "gossiping" about her & Vince. Not confronting in love, but talking about it in shameful tones...and releasing pictures in papers & such.

Prayer for artists has always been a passion for me. I believe that every person who has been touched by the music of any artist should be blessing them back by lifting them up in prayer. Yes, the music is all about God. Their ministries point us to Him. But how often does anyone think about how much sacrifice is involved on their part? Marriages can be strained, families are kept apart for days on end, both by touring and studio time. The industry shoves them thru the ringer, time & time again, with obligations, appearances, album deadlines and vigorous touring.....and then when their faith proves tested, they abandon and judge them. That's more reality.

This prayer calling was birthed in me when I discovered a group that no one had ever heard of before, called DC Talk, in 1989. Once again I reached a turning point in my faith. Their songs, written by a young man named Toby, inspired a love for God in me on a whole new level. And in a style I had already fallen in love with(in secular music, which I was uncomfortable with because of my strong convictions) called rap...hip-hop....urban music. Plenty of it here around Motown. :) But these songs not only had the beat I loved, but lyrics that drew me closer to God and His love for me. Once again I was hooked. And once again I looked up to the one who God had used to reach me. But this time, God was nudging me further. I began praying for the songwriter. My eyes were opened to real life, how hard this lifestyle must be. I met Toby in 1991. We talked for awhile & became friends over the years, since I kept praying, writing him encouraging letters, attending shows & supporting him....being a friend he could trust...thru the dctalk years, thru now the tobyMac years, up & down in the natural career highs & lows. He is truly my brother in every sense of the word. And honestly, prayer is a beautiful thing between friends. God shows me exactly when I need to pray and what to pray for. I feel a literal burden. And I've experienced the joy of hearing from him how my prayers are felt, at just the right time, and have made a difference. People have NO IDEA the impact their prayers can have....when an artist is struggling in their own faith, their own life, their own marriage, their own family. When the passion isn't there. When the creativity is gone. And yes, when insecurity and doubt, giant darts thrown by the enemy, are sent to pierce their very souls. My mission is to be the shield that protects his heart. And prayer is a blessing we ALL can give.

In discussing this with a friend awhile ago, I felt God nudging me further in this. Maybe I'll write a book or something. Because I believe people should know. There are real people behind those songs that touch your heart so deeply. God has given these musical gifts to some of the most wonderful and talented people for YOUR benefit. Thank Him for that today. And next time the music stirs your soul, send a prayer up for the one who wrote it.

Bloom Where God Plants You

I used to see this saying everywhere when I was younger...around college-age..."bloom where God plants you.." It made NO sense to me. My mom always thought that was funny. "That is perfect for you! And you don't get it?" Nope. Not a clue. She tried to explain that it meant we are right where God wants us, and if we are content with that, we will bloom and blossom and grow in His best for us. Also, not to wish you were somewhere else. Or want what you don't have. Which, as I stated before, was always a weakness of mine.

That being said, the point of this blog is cliches. Spriritual cliches. Christianese. The way a lot of Christians talk. Especially in churches. I've never been a real "Praise God!!" type of person. I didn't grow up in a church that said those type of things...but even when I started going to churches like that, it seemed very fake to me. OK I believe there are a few people who naturally talk like that, and MEAN it. That's totally cool. But when I hear fake sing-songy voices saying "oh that's WONDERFUL!! Praise the LORD! Thank You JESUS!!" well.....I'm wondering, do they honestly say these things from their heart, or are they trying to sound "spiritual" and puffed-up? I honestly think that new Christians have so much to learn, and maybe they think they're SUPPOSED to talk that way. And if they don't talk that way, they're not godly enough. Oh that saddens me. I'm here to say, that is NOT TRUE. It is possible to love Jesus with all your heart, live only for Him, and never utter a "Praise God" for weeks upon end. :) Christ died to give us freedom, along with salvation, of course. And He destroyed the barriers between us & God, so we could be ourselves with Him, to come to Him in our broken reality. I guess it all ties in with the "acting perfect" thing. We are not talking to impress people, we are called to speak words of truth that will build up & encourage. REAL words of truth, not feel-good, sound-good cliches with no depth that don't help at all. We are speaking TO other people, to bless THEM, not ourselves. Once again, just be real. Everyone is different. Speak in a language people can relate to. Speak the WORD to them, and then show them how it applies to their life...your real struggles & how God has ministered to you. I've been a Christian my whole life. My relationship with God is REAL. Good, bad, AND ugly. I don't always address Him as "Father God...Most Holy One of Israel...Lord God my Savior....I praise You...I thank You...I worship You...You are so good...." He knows these things already. And He knows I know them. He wants me to bring Him my HEART, the nitty-gritty stuff, the deep-down junk, my real self, warts & all. So that's how I talk to Him..."Lord, help me...show me....this hurts.....what's going on here...I don't understand...I'm not happy with this...You've disappointed me...I love you so much, but I don't get it...what are you doing??" My Lord, yes. My Savior, yes. But my Friend, my Father, my Brother, My Lover? Oh most definitely! REAL. Honest. Open. Safe. But most of all...real. So this is how I talk to Him. And when I pray even in a group setting, I speak from my heart. Personal. No fancy words, no spiritual phrases, nothing to impress those around me. Forgive me, but that is another pet peeve of mine. Talk to HIM, not anyone else. Others in the room should never matter. Prayer is deeply personal between you and God. It's not the time for fanciful phrases. "Wow that was a great prayer!"...wait a minute...doesn't that sound funny and not right somehow? It should. People were impressed...but was God? We shouldn't even be seeking His approval when we pray. He can't love us any more than He already does. We already have His approval. He wants our HEART, our communication...honest...open. No one else matters in that moment. Just us and Him. I believe people need to SEE what that real kind of relationship with Jesus looks like. Or there are countless people who will never feel "good enough" or "spiritual enough" to ever talk to Him or measure up to others in the church, who they perceive as "spiritual" and have it all together. We owe it to each other to drop the pretenses & be REAL.

I understand that I may strike a nerve with all this. But I've spent a few years observing God's people, and I honestly don't believe there's much of this reality out there. People are too afraid to speak the truth. But I really have nothing to lose. And I hope it lets some people off the hook so they can relax & enjoy their relationship with God. :)

Oh...and "bloom where God plants you"...? It IS true.....you really should.... ;)

I'm weird (isn't everyone?)

So, already, I'm blogging again. I feel the need to say, that I titled my blog what it's called for a reason. I intend to be real. Very real. Like, maybe even shockingly real. It's just who I am. I'm not fake in any way, shape, or form. And actually, fakeness is my pet peeve. I'm not interested in the pretty public faces people wear to hide their true selves. So many times I want to say to people..."come on...get real....tell me how YOU feel, what you struggle with...you're not fooling me. No one is perfect." And really, we're not called to be. As Christians we are called to bear each others burdens. Well honey, how can I carry your burden when you're acting like you don't have any? :) Yeah, so, I'm real. This is me. My kids are brats sometimes(a lot of the time actually..) I yell at them & they yell at me. I'm lazy. VERY lazy. And sloppy. Did I mention sloppy? Ask my hubby bout that..LOL.... I get very emotional. Sappy even. I can drive people nuts. Sometimes I'm shy to the point where people might think I'm snobby(definitely not!)...and sometimes I need to be the center of attention. I'm a recovering control freak. I have an uncanny ability to get people to do what I want them to...without their even realizing it! Yeah...charm & all that. I can even be manipulative....which my "big bro" likes to call "persuasive."
If you want a list of my good qualities, yes...ask the men in my life. Number one, of course, being my hubby. I swear he never has a bad thing to say about me. He's the sweetest man in the whole world, and loves me for who I am. He thinks everything I do is "cute." :) And hey, we've been married 15 years, which I'm proud of, if you haven't noticed.....but BOY have we been through some junk. Our first year of marriage was a killer. And I'm not talking "you left your socks on the floor!" kinda stuff. I'm talking heavy stuff. But, by the grace of God, we are together today, happy & stronger than ever, and with the joyful wisdom that only comes from learning through fiery trials. We fight though....we are definitely not perfect. We yell, we throw things. Reality. I have a temper, a bad one, that God has tamed through the years. It has NOT been easy. But God can do the impossible....that's always been my favorite Bible verse..."with God, ALL things are possible!" Wow.....He has sure proved that in my life. I've done so many "impossible" things & He has blessed me so much. More reality though...I'm whiny, & jealous, and veeeeery envious....I throw too many pity parties, and I always want what I don't have.
But as Joyce Meyer (who God used to change my life!!) says..."I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be! I'm OK and I'm on my way!" That's definitely my motto. I'm weird. I'm crazy. I'm wacky. (Like everyone else!) Cuz being normal is just boring!! :)

More to come from my messy house...scuse me while I go yell at my kids & wait for my hubby to come home so I can yell at him too... ;)

Brace yourself!!

OK well, this is it. I've been wanting to create a blog for a really long time, and here it is! I used to blog a lot on myspace, but the drama there got to me. I'm sure there'll be an upcoming post about that! :) Really though, I miss blogging. I need a safe place to vent and to be myself. We'll see how this goes!

Today I'm a ball of mixed-up emotions. I have so many thoughts running through my head & feelings racing through my heart that I barely know where to begin. When the moods hit me, I write....not only bloggy-things, but songs and also poetry. Some I might share here. Don't even begin to think on them too much or do any interpretation. My writings can be taken many different ways. And the only one who truly knows their source and meaning is me. :)

More to come....maybe MUCH more, who knows! ;) In any case, I meant it....brace yourself..... :D