Back Again

...so I haven't blogged in awhile, but I really feel like I need to blog more. I have no idea what'll come out here, but I sure need an outlet lately! Part of the problem has been lack of something to say...but mostly I think I have been held back by fear. A fear that has had ahold of me for awhile. I've been afraid to be myself. Afraid that people will see, and think I'm weird, or judge me. I'm still slowly getting over that fear. I used to feel so free...I had the freedom to be honest about my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. But then everything in my life came crashing down, and all those negative things about me were magnified, and used against me. So I've held back. And I've lost a lot in that process. I'm slowly learning how to be "me" again though. God is leading me...

I have so many things rolling around in my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. Things I just don't understand. Just when I feel content and think I've got things figured out, everything changes. And it's harder and harder to depend on anything anymore. Those who used to be there for me are gone. Those I love dearly are being held at arm's length right now. And that is SO hard for me to accept. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned. I know I need to trust in, and lean on, God. But I'll be honest. He feels far away from me too right now. My thinking has not been right. I'm chasing things that will never satisfy me. I'm falling back into old, unhealthy habits. I know this. And still I can't seem to climb my way out. God is patient with me. I know He's there to help me. But still, nothing changes. I reach out and find emptiness. So I feel I must be in this pit for a reason. Oh how I'm sick of being stuck! And the purposes He seemed to make clear to me awhile back are nowhere to be seen right now. I doubt they were even real to being with. But still I press on. One thing I've never been able to do is give up. I guess that's a good thing. No matter what disappointing things people do to me, I'm never quite ready to let them go & say forget it. I'm loyal to a fault, I think some would say. But in that, I hope to find my greatest blessing.
More to come...

P.S. I find it quite ironic that my last blog was about forgetting past disappointments. Since then, I laid aside my fear, found strength to reach out again, and found disappointment....again. Very discouraging. But this, too, holds a lesson I need to learn. I can feel it. I just don't know what it is. Right now it just hurts. A lot.