Breakthrough

Funny how God speaks. :)

Breakthrough, was this mentioned in my last blog comments? Why yes, yes it was. :) And major breakthrough is what I got after my last blog! Something I longed for, but something that I didn't even need...broke through, and God whispered..."See?? Trust Me. :) " Yes, the smile IS the part of the quote from God. He smiles on me a lot. :) Way more than I deserve.

So that is the praise...here comes the struggle...

If it would've ended there I would've been ok. I think. But there was a little more that took me somewhere that I'm not sure I wanted to go. It grabbed me. And broke me down in tears. Happy tears for awhile. That laugh/cry thing. But it wasn't long before I was like ohhhhhh.....am I really back here again?

It led me on a journey of my past. It led me back to a journal that I started pouring my heart out in....my TRUE heart, that NO one fully knows about....about 5 years ago. Let me tell you, some things in my life have DRASTICALLY changed since then. But my heart has not. And back then, I thought my heart was messed up. I read things today that floored me. Cuz I was SO SURE there were so many things that I needed to let go of, to move on from, to RUN away from...but I took a path that led me straight into it. The pain in my heart right now makes me think I took a wrong path. But when I look at the results of where I've journeyed the past 5 years or so, it makes me want to fall down on my knees and sob like a baby at the enormity of it all. Had I taken that other path (which I FULLY thought was God's will, and it still to this day makes NO SENSE that it wasn't, since I received much insight from good solid Christian books, teachers, etc that it was!) there are countless people that would have been affected, would have missed out. I would not have been obedient to my calling. I would not have been there for the people that needed me. I would not have been a part of things that were, and still are, world-changing.

But none of this makes sense. It only has me more confused. Looking back at this journal, I was SO SURE what God wanted me to do back then. It was right. It was wise. It was Biblical.

Honestly I know that I am where I am for a reason. But let me assure you, there are reasons I can't be specific about anything. I am smack-dab in the middle of a life that is not the norm. My issues are very unique. And that is why God holds me so close. Why He Himself speaks to me about such things. The things He has put in my heart, only things He could do, which He put there years ago, crossed my paths with His Divine intervention. And I accept it now, that no one can relate. No one can fully understand or advise. To those close to me...know this...I do not expect you to. If you are giving me God's words and wisdom, from HIM alone, it is exactly what I need. But this is God & me. Always has been, always will be. My calling is very personal, very deep, and something I must keep very close and be very careful with. I count it as precious and cherish it. And God is whispering to me now..."You took the right path. See how I accomplished wonders you could never even imagine back then? Hold on to those things in your heart. I put them there for a reason. MY reason. For MY purposes. Do NOT LET GO! I am NOT DONE." And I trust that God has me in the palm of His hand. I'm stepping very verrrry slowly around the mountain this time. I can not see even one tiny piece of my future.

But I trust that He will make it good.