work

I still need work. This I know, but sometimes I get so frustrated when I see the same ole awful behavior in myself. I really hate self-deprecating stuff, but I am not happy with ANYTHING lately and I really want to find a cause, and ultimately, a solution. Maybe as I write, it will come. Cuz I hate the things I see in me.

Things like....jealousy. Yep it goes both ways. I get a lot of it coming my way, and I sometimes think it's the biggest cause of my attacks, but it DOES flow out from me. I am a jealous person...there I said it. HUGELY so, sometimes. I hate it. It is REALLY rearing its ugly head lately. I'm hoping that means, cuz it's putting up such a last-ditch fight, that it's gonna DIE soon!!

Things like...judgmentalism. Is that a word?? Well it is now. :P I have been in such a judgmental mood lately. Judging anything & everything. I've had a haughty attitude. And I know it's cuz things are NOT working out in my own life the way I want them to. So I've been judging others, about things I have no business in, cuz it must make me feel better that they don't deserve what they have and I want...which comes back to, jealousy. I want to KILL that green-eyed monster!!!

Things like...impatience. Another cause of not being satisfied with myself & my life. Funny how now, as I'm writing, I see how these all work together...hmmmm....

I think it all boils down to...I am not secure. Not in my situation, my relationships, my goals, my dreams, my LIFE! I don't like what God is doing. How I perceive it. I am SO afraid to lose what I have, or not get what I want, and get hurt. I used to live in such a contented place of faith, resting in God's will for me and trusting Him to work all things out for good. I used to have hope. Now I might get myself pumped up for a day or two, but soon I am back to listening to the lies in my head again..."you'll never get that. You don't deserve that. Stop expecting anything good, cuz it's not gonna happen & you'll disappointed again. You're just gonna get HURT again!!" Fear..which leads to distrust...which leads to panic...which eventually leads to all the qualities above which I HATE to see in myself!

I am under MAJOR attack from the enemy. I've just lately begun to realize it. And I am NOT fighting him the way I should. I am NOT reading God's words of truth enough to defeat the enemy's lies. I have no weapons in this battle! And it IS a war! I can't ignore the arsenal right in front of me!!

I've begun to change. I am soaking up each and every thing I can get that contains the Word, and also reading the Word itself. Last night I got hit with SUCH a huge truth, it shocked me. It was straight from the Word, and worded in EXACTLY the way I needed to hear. I had been praying & heard nothing. And then there was my answer, as soon as I opened my Bible. It was beautiful. It was encouraging. Exactly what I needed. It hit me right where I was. And it was filled with His love. Thank You God!!

Hope is what I need to cling to. Joy will be my strength. Faith is what will kill the enemy's lies and allow me to step forward, trusting Him to work out a good plan for MY life, even when it doesn't make sense.

So God, do the work in me...cuz I want peace again most of all...

a new view

So what if this wasn't a bad thing. What if this is a season of silence for a good reason. What if I knew I would come out the other side, and things would be better, deeper, stronger, better than I ever imagined...

What if this were just a necessary time of growing, learning, realizing?? Wouldn't it all be worth it? If I knew that, when this is over, I'd look back at it & say...that was TOTALLY worth it. Cuz if it hadn't happened, I may not have what I have now.

So what stops me from seeing this in such a positive light? Why do I always get so discouraged? God has ALWAYS been faithful. God has always grown things in the quiet times. If I'd just remember that, it may be easier to endure.

It's just that this journey has always been painfully slow. And I am NOT a patient gal.

But slow & steady always wins the race. And things worth waiting for are always sweeter in the end. Feelings that stand the test of time can never be matched...by ANYTHING.

I know it all deep down. But it's SO hard to accept...

Stronger

So...blogging again...I'm gonna touch a lil bit on a topic that has been bothering me for awhile. Weight loss. It saddens me that so many people have turned to dangerous methods of losing weight. Starving themselves, taking weird hormones. Is it THAT important to post a "pounds lost" success? I mean, this is slowly killing people. Who KNOWS what could happen in the future...the effects of these hormones, etc. It scares me. Why is weight so important to us in society anyway? Are we that superficial? So bent on getting thin that we would harm ourselves?

I know from experience that being the"perfect" weight will not make people happy. For me, once I got down very close to my goal weight, I felt healthier, I felt stronger. I lost weight the hard way. I worked out HARD. I ate less(but regular amounts of healthy food!) And I got so much healthier & stronger. But here's the thing...my life didn't "magically" change. I had the same problems, the same emotional issues, that I did when I was heavier. I expected things to be different. To be treated differently. And I think I thought that the people around me would also change. But they didn't. I didn't either. My body size changed. Inside tho, I was the same. And that was painfully obvious when the tough issues of my life hit home.

Weight loss MUST come with other changes as well. Mental, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual changes. The number on the scale means nothing. How you grow, how you develop, what you learn from your journey, is the key to KEEPING that weight off. This is the part that I worked on a tiny bit, but never even scratched the surface of...my deeper emotional issues of WHY I ate, WHY I was overweight. And so, the weight slowly started creeping back.

The number one key to being healthy (NOT losing weight...that is just superficial) is letting God take control. To admit you can NOT do it on your own. You need Him. You need His strength, His grace, His power. Once you give up control, lean on Him, and fall in love with Him as the only One who can save you & heal you...you WILL be successful. This I know. This I KNEW. But I lost sight of it.

I've got it back...I am fighting again. I am running away my pain. Not running away FROM it, but running it away...a few miles at a time. And letting myself fall in love again with the One who will help me to succeed so I can be the best I can be for Him. He's given me hope again...

And THAT is what makes a person beautiful! :)

P.S. I've got a few good tools coming my way in the form of two books & a song..."Reshaping it All" by Candace Cameron Bure, "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst, and the song "Stronger" by Mandisa...LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! I will prob blog more about the books when I get them & read them!