work

I still need work. This I know, but sometimes I get so frustrated when I see the same ole awful behavior in myself. I really hate self-deprecating stuff, but I am not happy with ANYTHING lately and I really want to find a cause, and ultimately, a solution. Maybe as I write, it will come. Cuz I hate the things I see in me.

Things like....jealousy. Yep it goes both ways. I get a lot of it coming my way, and I sometimes think it's the biggest cause of my attacks, but it DOES flow out from me. I am a jealous person...there I said it. HUGELY so, sometimes. I hate it. It is REALLY rearing its ugly head lately. I'm hoping that means, cuz it's putting up such a last-ditch fight, that it's gonna DIE soon!!

Things like...judgmentalism. Is that a word?? Well it is now. :P I have been in such a judgmental mood lately. Judging anything & everything. I've had a haughty attitude. And I know it's cuz things are NOT working out in my own life the way I want them to. So I've been judging others, about things I have no business in, cuz it must make me feel better that they don't deserve what they have and I want...which comes back to, jealousy. I want to KILL that green-eyed monster!!!

Things like...impatience. Another cause of not being satisfied with myself & my life. Funny how now, as I'm writing, I see how these all work together...hmmmm....

I think it all boils down to...I am not secure. Not in my situation, my relationships, my goals, my dreams, my LIFE! I don't like what God is doing. How I perceive it. I am SO afraid to lose what I have, or not get what I want, and get hurt. I used to live in such a contented place of faith, resting in God's will for me and trusting Him to work all things out for good. I used to have hope. Now I might get myself pumped up for a day or two, but soon I am back to listening to the lies in my head again..."you'll never get that. You don't deserve that. Stop expecting anything good, cuz it's not gonna happen & you'll disappointed again. You're just gonna get HURT again!!" Fear..which leads to distrust...which leads to panic...which eventually leads to all the qualities above which I HATE to see in myself!

I am under MAJOR attack from the enemy. I've just lately begun to realize it. And I am NOT fighting him the way I should. I am NOT reading God's words of truth enough to defeat the enemy's lies. I have no weapons in this battle! And it IS a war! I can't ignore the arsenal right in front of me!!

I've begun to change. I am soaking up each and every thing I can get that contains the Word, and also reading the Word itself. Last night I got hit with SUCH a huge truth, it shocked me. It was straight from the Word, and worded in EXACTLY the way I needed to hear. I had been praying & heard nothing. And then there was my answer, as soon as I opened my Bible. It was beautiful. It was encouraging. Exactly what I needed. It hit me right where I was. And it was filled with His love. Thank You God!!

Hope is what I need to cling to. Joy will be my strength. Faith is what will kill the enemy's lies and allow me to step forward, trusting Him to work out a good plan for MY life, even when it doesn't make sense.

So God, do the work in me...cuz I want peace again most of all...