restless heart

can't let go
of things that got a hold on me
it's killing me inside
and I have nowhere to go
I'm falling so fast
no hope of hangin on
can't see my way around it
and I can't go back

So where are You leading me
when I can't feel You at all
When I can't find my way
And all I hear is silence
Where are You now
when my world is crashin in
I'm a prisoner of my desire
know better but just don't care
did You just disappear
or did I push You away
it's so hard to find You
take me back
cuz I just can't find my way
hold me and don't let go
I won't move till I feel You again
when will I feel You again...

Hope Renewed

HOPE 
–noun
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

–verb
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

to believe, desire, or trust.

to feel that something desired may happen.


My new word study. HOPE. My life has been overflowing with hope. Not because circumstances in my life are always showing me anything hopeful, but because I am FINALLY believing that God will keep His promises. That God Himself put desires and passions in my heart. I've finally decided to stop running away from what has been such a big part of me. Lots of that was where my last blog came from. This hope is just not letting go of me. I think I'm too far gone, I think I've become what Joyce Meyer calls a "PRISONER of hope." Cuz once you start REALLY believing, you can't break free from the joyful expectation that hope brings. And nothing the enemy throws at you can bring you down. Cuz you KNOW that it's bigger than anything that can be proven. Beyond words, beyond sight, beyond human reasoning. Indescribable really. You just know that you know that you know.

Not only did I study the definitions of "hope", but looked up Bible verses as well. I am just SO eager to learn all that God wants to teach me! Here are a few I found...and I knew them before of course, but WOW, in light of what He's showing me, these are exploding in my heart in a whole new way!

Isaiah 40:31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Okay this one has always been my favorite...I made it my own when I first began exercising because of the "walk" and "run" parts....and I would recite it as I'd struggle to finish my workouts! But now the first part jumped out at me "those who HOPE in the Lord..." I have gained some of my weight back....and haven't been able to get it back off again for good. Could this part be the key? Did I stop hoping good things were gonna happen? Did I stop believing I could do it? God revealed this to me yesterday on the treddie(go figure! :) ) That's exactly it. I lost my hope. And now that I have my hope back, He will lead me back to where I was. And that is just one example! Hope is a VERY powerful thing!!

Hebrews 10:35-36 Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
(these are verses that have REALLY ministered to me in the past year as I struggled in my relationships...but I was led to a verse yesterday, a few before this one, that WOWed me..)
Hebrews 10: 23 Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

HERE is the key.....the HOPE is what we need to hold on to...THIS is how the reward comes....after the confident trust, after the patient endurance, which gives us the strength to HOPE, which will lead us directly into the fulfillment of God's promises...and He WILL be faithful! Wow......

There are SO many more verses on/about hope...but I'm gonna end with this one...

Lamentations 3:21-25 I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him!

Amen. AMEN AMEN AMEN! I still dare to hope. I STILL. DARE. to hope. That's so powerful. After all this time, I STILL dare to hope. I still DARE to hope when nothing tells me to. When people say I'm crazy. When the enemy taunts me that nothing will change. That nothing good will happen. When memories remind me of being hurt, disappointed, rejected, hopeless. I STILL DARE TO HOPE. And why? I say to myself....(because I KNOW His Word and it is hidden in my heart and I will SPEAK it!) "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" I WILL hope in Him! Cuz the Lord is WONDERFULLY GOOD to those who WAIT for Him and seek Him!

And that says it all. :) I am expecting God to do GREAT things for me! I will wait on Him and hope in Him. And I will be READY! That's the next thing He is impressing upon me...to be ready for His reward. Through His Word and through many prophecies He is impressing it upon me. Maybe another blog on that to follow soon!

Ready to Soar

"Kay...is in a season of discontent. God is awakening something in me. I have no idea what, or the hows of it. I can't see the end. I'm in transition. But every time I long for more, God doesn't say "No." He says "Don't give up. Just wait. You have no idea what I have in store for you!" I'm holding on today, and believing that this craziness I feel now will manifest in eventual beauty."

This is my current Facebook status...totally inspired. The last few days have been a whirlwind, and I am in awe of what God is doing. Today God is truly awakening me to see the beauty in my life, and in specific prayers of mine that He is answering. I've been looking around me and feeling like I will never reach what I long-ago dreamed for, what I still yearn for now. The enemy told me to stop dreaming, and is still whispering that to me even now. But I'm not falling for it. I'm brushing him aside quite easily and believing that with God all things are possible. He gave me that verse as my own 18 years ago. And has proven it to me in HUGE ways ever since. He has only begun to show me what "impossible" really looks like manifested. I look back at that day when it first became real to me & smile. I feel very strongly that I'm gonna look back at THIS time, today, years from now and realize that this is when I truly GOT IT. When I finally stopped flapping my wings and let the abundant wind of God's promises lift me, carry me, and allow me to soar. Finally. It's time for God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. And for me to let Him. :)

REAL, really??

Oh there's such a big part of me no one knows about. Things I struggle with that no one could possibly understand. Parts of me that are ugly, that I don't even wanna admit to myself.

God has been so good to me...confirming things lately in sweet and miraculous ways that I can't even comprehend. Things that I've cried out to Him for. I've been experiencing many "suddenlys." Like when you long for something & ask God for it over & over again and then after days/months/years of waiting...BOOM there it is. Suddenly!

But why can't I be grateful and move on? Why must I harp on things & want more, bigger, better things? Why is there this part of my heart that will never let go?

I realize none of this makes sense. It shouldn't. I'm just venting for myself I guess. But I would appreciate prayers for breakthrough, which is my OWN doing, breaking through my own stubbornness! There are things I want and crave that I have never understood. God is up to something in my life. I need clear wisdom and discernment to know what that is, to know where I'm going, and how to get there! What do I need to let go of once & for all...and what do I need to just accept and cling to, because God is working in ways that are shaping my future...

Even when it makes no sense at all...