honesty

So I fully realize that being REALLY open & real in the Christian blogging community may not be a popular thing to do. It won't win many friends. It may turn some people off. Maybe a lot. But guess what....I struggle. I am a Spirit-filled Christian who struggles. And I will admit that. It's a very scary & vulnerable thing to do. But I also believe it's very brave.
I marvel at people who can fully live out the call of Christ on their life (even be SO SURE of what it is!!)and say how easy it is, how peaceful it is, how they never worry, are never afraid, and are never depressed. Because POOF...Jesus solves all that. Over. Done. Saved...and now joyously happy forever. Oh they might toy with those feelings for a second...but then they are instantly convicted, Jesus gently reminds them not to be so foolish, and then POOF. Done. Joyous again. How could they have ever been so silly?!
No doubt. No questioning. No rebellion. No questions.
Really?
Interesting.
Because for me, it's not like that at all.
I worry. I fear. I struggle. I hurt. I'm tempted. I doubt. And I REBEL. I procrastinate. I question. And...I also get sad and downright depressed at times. In fact, for example, this morning my heart was in turmoil....AGAIN, I might add...about an issue that POOF...should've been "solved" years ago. I was looking for some verses in the Bible and was drawn, like I usually am, to the Psalms. Particularly the ones by my good buddy David. Ahhhh. A melancholy, messed-up, CRAZY up & down man if I ever saw one! A man after God's own heart...yes, and he is definitely after MY own heart too cuz I relate so well to him....but also one struggling, prone to depression, highs & lows-galore dude. Really.

A sampling..."To the Lord I cry out, and He answers me from His holy hill"...."Answer me when I call to You O God, give me relief from my distress!"...."I love You O Lord my strength"..."Strike all my enemies on the jaw...break the teeth of the wicked!" ..."You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil"..."Be merciful to me O God, for I am faint..O Lord heal me, for my bones are in agony..my soul is in anguish"..."O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!".."I sink on the miry depths where there is no foothold...my eyes fail, looking for my God."..."I will praise You O Lord with all my heart...I will rejoice and be glad in You!"..."How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"..."You have rejected us, O God, and burst forth upon us...You have been angry"..."The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love"..."The Lord is faithful to all His promises..and loving toward all He has made"..."I am still confident of this..I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"..."My heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death assail me..fear and trembling have beset me, horror has overwhelmed me"..."Have mercy on me O God, I call to You all day long...bring joy to Your servant..."

Yep, see that drama?? This guy is raw. This guy is honest. This guy is REAL. Love it!!!! David is definitely not afraid to not only pour out his human heart to God...in all its depressed, irritated, frustrated, impatient, glory....but also quick to praise Him when he realizes where all His emotions are healed, renewed, satisfied.....in His God. His Savior. His joy. His strength. His vindicator.

This gives ME strength. It gives me courage. His raw honesty gives me hope. And makes me sigh in relief as I realize...I am NOT alone in my humanness. I am not alone in my crazy mood swings! And most of all, it brings me the comfort & peace I need.

Not that I will instantly...POOF...be transformed into having a perfect, stress-free, contented life...but that I am at least as"normal" as David.

And that I, too, can be called a woman after God's own heart.

stillness

missing it....so much...these times are hardest...

There's so much I wanna share, say, hear...but really, although I gave up control, I never had much control anyway.

I've always wished there could be more, but it stinks to lose what little I had.

Disappearing...does it mean anything? Any noticing that I've vanished? Any thought, memory, wondering?

I fear that I'm the only one who cares...remembers...wonders...longs...aches...

And what haunts me....smiles, laughter, teasing, words, stares, glances, knowing, sharing, sunshine, moonlight, reminiscing, sadness, frustration, explanation, pleading, reassuring, words, hearts, souls, connecting....

Always lurking...never ending...forever...

obedience

Heartache, emptiness, loneliness...there is an element of this that makes me feel all these and more. Obedience...as far as I can muster the strength to do it. Surrounded by those I love and in my home, I still feel the bittersweet ache. Some piece of what my heart feels as "home" is missing. I can't explain it. Oh, how I would LOVE the answer to why! But I can only paste on a smile & pretend the ache isn't there. What else can I do?

I fully realize that no one can really understand how I feel, no one "gets it." How can I expect anyone to when I don't even understand?

I do cling to this hope...that there IS a reason, a bigger purpose. I have fulfilled a huge piece of my calling and been a small part of many things that will affect the masses. I know this. But as to what lies ahead of me....I can only shake my head in confusion. Swallow my sorrow. And remain silent...when my soul wants to scream out.

I can do all the right things, act the right way, go thru the motions of my life. But oh...that yearning, that reaching for a life beyond what I've been given....it never leaves me.

Today was a difficult one. One step forward, two steps back. Literally running thru my pain, three miles' worth. Crying once again...it may be a new record of days filled with tears. Reminiscing about how I got here, how this got so deeply embedded in my heart...and the sweet peace of knowing, truly KNOWING...that I am not crazy. Thank You God for that!

This is me. This is my life. I am destined for everything I'm faced with. The path I've been on is NOT an accident. The way ahead may be cloudy, but I will keep steadily moving forward in my obedience.

letting go

I feel really strongly this morning after days of crying out & being convicted...

It's time to let go.

Not give up, not run away from...but let go of something very precious to me. It's time to put it in God's capable hands.

To be honest, He told me to let go awhile ago. And because I didn't fully, I've been having a pretty miserable time these past few weeks. To be even more honest, I look at this situation and I really don't know HOW I'm gonna let go, or IF I can. It breaks my heart...which is fully engaged in this. It's gonna be really hard. It'll definitely be a process.

But I also know that this is not for forever. This is not the end. It's just a time to give up control and let God take over. And not worry unnecessarily about how He's gonna work, or what the end will be.

I know I'm His mouthpiece. And I feel He's calling me to be silent. How difficult is that!? But even tho I struggle with this concept in my life, I HAVE to be sure that He has something better in mind for me. That when I let go of this, it will just free my grip to take hold of something new, and better, and perfect for me. This is SO HARD for me to believe at this point in my life! But I will humbly trust..and hope....and yes, grieve a little. (Or a LOT!!)

I trust His wisdom. I trust His plan. And I'm just gonna keep saying that over & over again till it sinks into my heart...

and slowly release my grasp...

days like this

On days like this I really wonder. Feeling so much on the outside looking in. I gotta re-evaluate things & think about if what I do even makes a difference, or if I'm wasting my time.
Quiet times are hard. Silence leaves me empty. Dry seasons are so discouraging. And I pray for answers...but I get mixed messages.
It's hard to discern between "right" and "wrong." It's hard to figure out what to hold onto and what to walk away from. And I know in my heart that I'm in way too deep. I don't think I could ever be strong enough to walk away. And do I even need to? Are those the whispered lies of the enemy, or the still small voice of my Heavenly Father?
What is unhealthy & what is safe? Am I playing along or just being played? Is there a PURPOSE in hanging on? I DESPERATELY need to know. I'm weary. I'm exhausted from this.
Maybe I'd move on if I had somewhere to go.
And then I find this....
"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." -Auguste Rodin

longing...

I love to travel. It's been way too long since I have. And someday I'd like to visit every state. I'd love to spend some time in each one. I want to see mountains. Oh I've seen a few wimpy ones. Those big hills in Kentucky. The bigger ones around Chattanooga, Tennessee. But I want to see the ginormous ones. Hike in them. Stay somewhere close to them. Explore & stuff. I want to see both oceans. I've seen the Gulf long ago. But never an ocean. I'd love to go on a cruise. At least I think I'd love it. Being somewhat claustrophobic, maybe it would be a lil scary. But then again, maybe it would be breathtaking. I want to go back to Disney World. We haven't been back since our honeymoon. I would've loved to take the kids when they were younger. We always said we would. But no funds for that. :( I'd love to see some Caribbean islands. Historical places on the east coast. Alaska. And Texas. And the beauty of the Northwest. And California ocean highways. And the Grand Canyon. And visit again the only place that's ever felt like "home." Our former home of Nashville, TN. Sigh. What's in my way? Hubby hates to travel. No money for such things. And no time.
Honestly I've always loved to move. My family moved pretty often as I was growing up, even between states. I developed a love of finding things in new places. So after awhile, I get tired of being stuck somewhere. In the first years of our marriage, we didn't live anywhere more than 18 months at a time. I loved that! Always a new area to get used to, new things to try, new places to find. That may be why I've been so restless. We've lived in our current house for 9 years. NINE YEARS. That seems like forever to me! So yep...I am wanting to move VERY BADLY.
We live in a manufactured home in a community. That's something I usually don't like people to know. It carries the stereotype of "trailer park" and "trailer trash." I feel very uncomfortable with people's quick judgments along that line. In the past few years however, I realized that we were pretty smart. When we bought it, we knew we could afford it. We weren't in over our heads. And now I look at people in big houses who are struggling, and even losing their homes...and I feel very grateful to have a roof over our heads. We would not be able to sell this house for what we owe on it though, so we are looking into moving it to land somewhere. We had originally planned, when we moved in, to do this within a year. A few layoffs, cut salaries, debt problems...and 9 years later, after a new job and paying off a huge chunk of debt, we finally feel somewhat ready to tackle this. So what I'd LOVE is, plenty of land, trees, maybe a pond....just SPACE where we can sit in a backyard,(ohhhh how I miss having a nice backyard!!) enjoy God's creation, and just RELAX together as a family. We are praying about all of this...because frankly, it's going to take plenty of God's provision and favor to make it happen.
And maybe in the future, after saving some money, convincing the hubby, and some time to kill, we MAY be able to cure my restless wandering bug. :)