No Idea

Yeah I haven't blogged in awhile, but that's not important now. 

What is? Just this...

I was about to give up. Yep, all day. Tempted. Felt discouraged. Disappointed. Rejected. And eventually, angry. You did it to me again. Or, did I let you? Do I know better? Yes. Have I been here before? You betcha. Yet, just one lil thing that bothered me...and I wanted to give up. Walk away. Doubt you again. Doubt the call again.

Don't think I didn't ask God to make me stay. Don't think I didn't make a deal with Him to have you reach out before I let go. I did. Quite a few times. But nothing happened.

It didn't truly hit me till I locked myself in my fave prayer room, gritted my teeth, and determined to pray for you...just how angry & fed up I was.

Because, for the first time in months...I couldn't pray for you. I had no words. And I had NO desire. That brought me to my knees, asking God to keep that ugly bitterness away from me. Because if I can't pray for you...if that God-communication isn't there...if that wedge is present...then...this is nothing. Meaningless. My call ceases to exist. So I prayed. First for forgiveness. Then for any negativity to be washed away. Only then could I clear my heart enough to pray for you. Sure, it was a rather short prayer. :) But it was heartfelt. And freely offered. And it reminded me again of the selfless sacrifice I MUST make for you.  

Because it is my purpose. My privilege. My honor.

And then, like a glimmer of hope...you reached out again. That path to connection was made. All was well. God gave me that approval once again. And for my waiting, as it always is, it was sweeter. Again.

"God says He’ll restore to you the years the locust (enemy) has eaten (Joel 2:25), and whatever He restores will be better in quality!" ~Joel Prince

This is His promise...and He has delivered!! :)