following

I'm definitely on a brand-new journey. Parts of it feel familiar, but as my sweet friend says, it's really just deeper layers of that same ole onion being peeled away. ;) I am giving up a few of my favorite go-to's. Things that take the place of God in my heart and in my life. I'm no fool though. I've been here before. Thought I let go a few times, even. But I wasn't even close. Those were just superficial layers.

Now comes the deep stuff.

The deepest parts of my heart and soul. These are things that I turn to every time life gets a little rough. When I feel defeated, useless, discontented, regretful, bitter, empty...and this time it's painful. This time it's like ripping off a band-aid. God wants ALL of my heart and my devotion. And He is NOT playin around.

Heart-wrenching, is what it's been so far. I've cried harder in the past few days than I have in a long time. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to cry, to grieve before. I thought I was letting go, but when the going got tough, I'd run right back to my fixes. There was no sorrow, no grieving. But now, now that I MEAN it, I am truly feeling the loss. And honestly, it hurts so good!

This time, I am not TRYING to get over this. Not WISHING it would go away. In fact, I am absolutely sure about just one thing. I can NOT do this. This is God's job, His business. I can't even help! I can only follow my Shepherd like a meek little lamb...wounded & broken, as He leads me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. And in that...there is freedom. I am free from trying to figure out what to do next, from worrying about failing(AGAIN!), from wondering where this path is leading. Because I can't even see where I'm going. I'm not even LOOKING! I'm just following Him.

And really, what a load off my mind and heart that is! No pressure, cuz this all rests on Him. Just resting...burdens carried, questions answered, problems solved, comfort given.

And funny, all along the path I feel like I'm being tempted, at every turn...to look ahead, to run down into the thorns & briers(that look pretty at first glance!), to even turn backward and want to find comfort in the familiar. Because the path ahead could be scary. But my Shepherd, He's got it covered. I could veer away, but I am honestly too weary to do anything but follow my divine Leader. I know I don't know the way. I know I don't know better. Been there, done that. NOTHING looks better than moving forward, following my Daddy.

So I continue on...blissfully unaware, blindly trusting....and perfectly safe in His care.