cuz I SHOULD...

I kinda feel obligated to do a year-end blog, since I've done one for the past few years...and so, it's become somewhat of a ritual. After spending almost a week sick in bed tho, I'm pretty much worn-out and empty of any coherent words of reflective wisdom...I think...

However, I would like to capture this moment in time, because this past year was a bit of a whirlwind, emotionally. Not any huge mishaps or crises or milestones, but a lot of quiet lessons learned along the way. I have timidly opened my heart up more. To be accepted and loved, and to be rejected and hurt. But I think I've accepted the hurts more. It makes the love that much sweeter. I've learned that I can't control everything, and have loosened my grip on many things, mainly my own family. I've learned that actions speak louder than words.(I learned that one the hard way!) I've seen impossible dreams come true. And I've come to grips with the fact that even if I receive the things I always dreamed of, it still leaves me yearning for more. Left to myself, I will constantly be blindly reaching. I'm sick of feeling that way! So I've basically learned to accept life as it comes, accept people for who they are, and leave the rest in God's capable hands. I've curled up in His lap & cried it all out to Him more this year than in years past. I've left a lot more up to His wisdom. I've almost, in a way, given up. Not given up hope, but given my hopes & dreams to Him to handle. Even when things don't turn out the way I wish they would, I know deep down that His ways, His plans, are always better. Even when I can't see it for myself. And there's been a LOT of that this year. So much hidden, so few answers. I pray that prayer once again at the beginning of this next year....Lord please reveal some more pieces of this puzzle that You've been putting together, called my life. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to open up a whole lot of new doors, and I know that He has made me ready. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure!

So, all that being said, my main goal of 2001 is to hold tighter to Him than ever before, and follow Him to wherever He leads me...

wounded

Love wears me out. Sometimes it is SO HARD for me to love. Cuz the attacks come fast and furious, I'm left reeling, and my heart gets bruised every time. Passionate people who love very deeply also have the vulnerability of being hurt very deeply. I wish my heart would be handled with care, but that's just not the case.
I feel battered & broken. I feel it is never understood just how badly that carelessness and indifference hurts me. I wish I had the boldness to stand up & say...enough is enough.
But I'm kinda left in an out-of-control position. I can't be as open as I want to be. I wouldn't know how to if I tried. And if I did, I feel like I'd just hit a brick wall.
I know God's called me to stick it out. He's given me HUGE amounts of fierce loyalty, and passionate love, for a reason. It keeps me hanging in there. My heart can't help but hang on. I was born for it. It's a part of me. God made two infinitely different worlds collide to create a beauty that only He can see the depth of. That only He fully understands. And only He knows the purpose of it.
I am frustrated and wounded, but at the same time I feel humbled. God trusts me, even though I don't know why, with some precious secret things and insights that no one else would ever know. And yet, that is also very painful. Lonely, even. I don't always know what to do with this knowledge, but to trust that He will work it all out for good in His own time. Attempt to carry my broken heart to Him, and desperately fight the urge to figure it all out on my own or push things to completion before it's ready to happen.
And meanwhile, I endure the hurt. I dig deep and find new hope. I ignore the futile things I "see", and reach for things unseen.
Even if God and I are completely alone in this...I will not back down. I will not give up.

It's not easy...it's the most difficult thing I've ever done...but I know and I cling to this...

Love.Never.Fails.

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed. I was going along, doing fine...forgetting...then BOOM.

It invaded me again.

Problem is, I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

God, please make sense of this. Heal my wounded heart. Give me the answers I need. Something has to give soon. Or I fear I'll go crazy.

I can't walk away. I can't pretend anymore. I'm haunted. It hurts. And I need Your help. I COMPLETELY give up.

Show me meaning in this...or please end it...

I am ready for the truth.

forward

So I am determined to look forward. No more regretting the past or being discontent with what I have or where I am. I am here, right now, for a REASON. God has good plans for me. I'm sick of doubting that.

Today, despite being thrown a huge whammy in my gut yesterday regarding a past relationship, I feel a general sense of peace. I don't really know why. I've been angry, I've cried, I've vented....but now...I feel calm. Resting in God's will. KNOWING I've done the right thing. (And referring back to those Psalms from the other day that talk about enemies...ahem.)

If there's one thing I've learned in the past couple years, it's that God has my back. He works in ways I cannot see. He whispers my name in positive ways to dispel any doubt. He brings truth to light. He has established foundations and bonds that can never be broken. And will never be understood by the human mind. And can never be destroyed by anyone. In my peace surrounded by pain, I am still awestruck at what He's done...and hopeful about what He's yet to do. I don't have the answers. I still don't know where my next step will be. But I can once again take a deep breath & say "Okay Lord...You lead me. You take over. I'm giving You control."

And I sit here in the silence, waiting on Him.

I remember the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain. Let me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer. Save me from my enemies, Lord; I run to You to hide me. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your name, O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness, bring me out of this distress. In Your unfailing love, cut off all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am Your servant. (verses from Psalm 143)

giving up

OK God...I give up. Again. I've given up control to You so many times. I've been gritting my teeth and obeying something I don't even understand. But oh....my heart has NOT been in it. I love You, and that is why I obey...even when it makes no sense.

Answers would be wonderful.

But they never come...nothing concrete...and so I just walk it out, a day at a time, as best I can. I try my best to follow what You seem to be telling me. But I don't get it. And that makes it harder.

Blind faith.

I can't do this alone. I can't handle it without You. I need Your strength to keep going!! But I also can't walk into emptiness. If I let go, I need something to reach for. Please bring it soon! Please ignite my passion, in equal and GREATER amounts, for something new. And then please confirm that I'm on the right track!

Because beyond all this, there are whispers in my soul. There are connections beyond words. There are deeper meanings that keep being revealed. And that is what makes me confused.

How long??

I need wisdom. I need discernment. And I need Your help in moving forward. Because I'm sick of dwelling on the past. The one thing You've made abundantly clear is that I need to finally put my past to rest. I am where I am for a reason. I'm ready to leave my ashes behind and receive Your beauty.

Please show me what that is!!

Isaiah 43:18-19 The Lord says, "Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening.

honesty

So I fully realize that being REALLY open & real in the Christian blogging community may not be a popular thing to do. It won't win many friends. It may turn some people off. Maybe a lot. But guess what....I struggle. I am a Spirit-filled Christian who struggles. And I will admit that. It's a very scary & vulnerable thing to do. But I also believe it's very brave.
I marvel at people who can fully live out the call of Christ on their life (even be SO SURE of what it is!!)and say how easy it is, how peaceful it is, how they never worry, are never afraid, and are never depressed. Because POOF...Jesus solves all that. Over. Done. Saved...and now joyously happy forever. Oh they might toy with those feelings for a second...but then they are instantly convicted, Jesus gently reminds them not to be so foolish, and then POOF. Done. Joyous again. How could they have ever been so silly?!
No doubt. No questioning. No rebellion. No questions.
Really?
Interesting.
Because for me, it's not like that at all.
I worry. I fear. I struggle. I hurt. I'm tempted. I doubt. And I REBEL. I procrastinate. I question. And...I also get sad and downright depressed at times. In fact, for example, this morning my heart was in turmoil....AGAIN, I might add...about an issue that POOF...should've been "solved" years ago. I was looking for some verses in the Bible and was drawn, like I usually am, to the Psalms. Particularly the ones by my good buddy David. Ahhhh. A melancholy, messed-up, CRAZY up & down man if I ever saw one! A man after God's own heart...yes, and he is definitely after MY own heart too cuz I relate so well to him....but also one struggling, prone to depression, highs & lows-galore dude. Really.

A sampling..."To the Lord I cry out, and He answers me from His holy hill"...."Answer me when I call to You O God, give me relief from my distress!"...."I love You O Lord my strength"..."Strike all my enemies on the jaw...break the teeth of the wicked!" ..."You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil"..."Be merciful to me O God, for I am faint..O Lord heal me, for my bones are in agony..my soul is in anguish"..."O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!".."I sink on the miry depths where there is no foothold...my eyes fail, looking for my God."..."I will praise You O Lord with all my heart...I will rejoice and be glad in You!"..."How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"..."You have rejected us, O God, and burst forth upon us...You have been angry"..."The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love"..."The Lord is faithful to all His promises..and loving toward all He has made"..."I am still confident of this..I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living"..."My heart is in anguish within me, the terrors of death assail me..fear and trembling have beset me, horror has overwhelmed me"..."Have mercy on me O God, I call to You all day long...bring joy to Your servant..."

Yep, see that drama?? This guy is raw. This guy is honest. This guy is REAL. Love it!!!! David is definitely not afraid to not only pour out his human heart to God...in all its depressed, irritated, frustrated, impatient, glory....but also quick to praise Him when he realizes where all His emotions are healed, renewed, satisfied.....in His God. His Savior. His joy. His strength. His vindicator.

This gives ME strength. It gives me courage. His raw honesty gives me hope. And makes me sigh in relief as I realize...I am NOT alone in my humanness. I am not alone in my crazy mood swings! And most of all, it brings me the comfort & peace I need.

Not that I will instantly...POOF...be transformed into having a perfect, stress-free, contented life...but that I am at least as"normal" as David.

And that I, too, can be called a woman after God's own heart.

stillness

missing it....so much...these times are hardest...

There's so much I wanna share, say, hear...but really, although I gave up control, I never had much control anyway.

I've always wished there could be more, but it stinks to lose what little I had.

Disappearing...does it mean anything? Any noticing that I've vanished? Any thought, memory, wondering?

I fear that I'm the only one who cares...remembers...wonders...longs...aches...

And what haunts me....smiles, laughter, teasing, words, stares, glances, knowing, sharing, sunshine, moonlight, reminiscing, sadness, frustration, explanation, pleading, reassuring, words, hearts, souls, connecting....

Always lurking...never ending...forever...