following

I'm definitely on a brand-new journey. Parts of it feel familiar, but as my sweet friend says, it's really just deeper layers of that same ole onion being peeled away. ;) I am giving up a few of my favorite go-to's. Things that take the place of God in my heart and in my life. I'm no fool though. I've been here before. Thought I let go a few times, even. But I wasn't even close. Those were just superficial layers.

Now comes the deep stuff.

The deepest parts of my heart and soul. These are things that I turn to every time life gets a little rough. When I feel defeated, useless, discontented, regretful, bitter, empty...and this time it's painful. This time it's like ripping off a band-aid. God wants ALL of my heart and my devotion. And He is NOT playin around.

Heart-wrenching, is what it's been so far. I've cried harder in the past few days than I have in a long time. Mostly because I didn't allow myself to cry, to grieve before. I thought I was letting go, but when the going got tough, I'd run right back to my fixes. There was no sorrow, no grieving. But now, now that I MEAN it, I am truly feeling the loss. And honestly, it hurts so good!

This time, I am not TRYING to get over this. Not WISHING it would go away. In fact, I am absolutely sure about just one thing. I can NOT do this. This is God's job, His business. I can't even help! I can only follow my Shepherd like a meek little lamb...wounded & broken, as He leads me out of this mess I've gotten myself into. And in that...there is freedom. I am free from trying to figure out what to do next, from worrying about failing(AGAIN!), from wondering where this path is leading. Because I can't even see where I'm going. I'm not even LOOKING! I'm just following Him.

And really, what a load off my mind and heart that is! No pressure, cuz this all rests on Him. Just resting...burdens carried, questions answered, problems solved, comfort given.

And funny, all along the path I feel like I'm being tempted, at every turn...to look ahead, to run down into the thorns & briers(that look pretty at first glance!), to even turn backward and want to find comfort in the familiar. Because the path ahead could be scary. But my Shepherd, He's got it covered. I could veer away, but I am honestly too weary to do anything but follow my divine Leader. I know I don't know the way. I know I don't know better. Been there, done that. NOTHING looks better than moving forward, following my Daddy.

So I continue on...blissfully unaware, blindly trusting....and perfectly safe in His care.

This is Love calling, out to the broken

What to do when your heart gets broken? Wallow in it? Seek revenge? Withdraw into loneliness? I think I've tried all of these. But honestly, the first one probably describes me best. I've nursed a broken heart for WAY too long. It's time to heal.

There are a few things I have to face...one of which, is the FINALITY of my situation. Part of my heart still doesn't want to believe the truth. Still...after a long, long time. A piece of my heart still wants to believe that someday...maybe.... But this dream is over for me. It was over a long time ago. And I think I've finally realized how to really get over it. I think healing truly comes when we are able to be strong in facing the things we need to face, and only break down in the presence of a loving Heavenly Father who will hold us as our heart breaks. And so, I put on a brave face in front of everyone and move on with my life. And when the memories come, and reality hits, and I feel the pain invading me....I retreat to a place that only God and I know about...a place where I can grieve my loss, and cry out to Him, and sob till I can't breathe...and know that only He truly understands. Pretending that there is nothing wrong won't work. But pouring it into the Father's hands is the only way to let Him heal what is broken, fix what's been hurt, and assure me that He really will work out my past for my good, and has given me something better. Even when it's hard to believe. I just need to wait and see.

Someday I think it will get easier. I may be able to look at those memories with a smile, with a gladness of heart for what I once enjoyed...and rejoice that those times aren't really over, just different. And I will see the beauty in all I have left...the amazing life God has given me...the people who truly love me and always will. And the healing balm on my heart feels a lot like gratitude for God's goodness.

A Million Chances

Somehow I always give you another chance. It's always been that way. No matter how much it hurts, how much I get broken, just give me a lil time and I'm hopeful again. Don't know why....except that my heart is stuck. Totally stuck with you. It refuses to let go, refuses to step back, refuses to give up on you. It's basically IN me to be forever loyal. I guess "Love always," so long ago, meant something. And even when all outward signs seem to show my absence, inside I am grieving the loss of what I know...this "you" I know. The part no one else understands...or knows about. When I seem so tough, like I don't care at all, like I'm not even bothered...inside I am begging you to break through that wall of protection & drag "me" out to hear what I really feel. Wow how scary that would be. How deeply overwhelming. Even for me. So basically here I stay....protected, but empty. Still waiting, hoping. And still...never giving up. And giving you yet another chance.

work

I still need work. This I know, but sometimes I get so frustrated when I see the same ole awful behavior in myself. I really hate self-deprecating stuff, but I am not happy with ANYTHING lately and I really want to find a cause, and ultimately, a solution. Maybe as I write, it will come. Cuz I hate the things I see in me.

Things like....jealousy. Yep it goes both ways. I get a lot of it coming my way, and I sometimes think it's the biggest cause of my attacks, but it DOES flow out from me. I am a jealous person...there I said it. HUGELY so, sometimes. I hate it. It is REALLY rearing its ugly head lately. I'm hoping that means, cuz it's putting up such a last-ditch fight, that it's gonna DIE soon!!

Things like...judgmentalism. Is that a word?? Well it is now. :P I have been in such a judgmental mood lately. Judging anything & everything. I've had a haughty attitude. And I know it's cuz things are NOT working out in my own life the way I want them to. So I've been judging others, about things I have no business in, cuz it must make me feel better that they don't deserve what they have and I want...which comes back to, jealousy. I want to KILL that green-eyed monster!!!

Things like...impatience. Another cause of not being satisfied with myself & my life. Funny how now, as I'm writing, I see how these all work together...hmmmm....

I think it all boils down to...I am not secure. Not in my situation, my relationships, my goals, my dreams, my LIFE! I don't like what God is doing. How I perceive it. I am SO afraid to lose what I have, or not get what I want, and get hurt. I used to live in such a contented place of faith, resting in God's will for me and trusting Him to work all things out for good. I used to have hope. Now I might get myself pumped up for a day or two, but soon I am back to listening to the lies in my head again..."you'll never get that. You don't deserve that. Stop expecting anything good, cuz it's not gonna happen & you'll disappointed again. You're just gonna get HURT again!!" Fear..which leads to distrust...which leads to panic...which eventually leads to all the qualities above which I HATE to see in myself!

I am under MAJOR attack from the enemy. I've just lately begun to realize it. And I am NOT fighting him the way I should. I am NOT reading God's words of truth enough to defeat the enemy's lies. I have no weapons in this battle! And it IS a war! I can't ignore the arsenal right in front of me!!

I've begun to change. I am soaking up each and every thing I can get that contains the Word, and also reading the Word itself. Last night I got hit with SUCH a huge truth, it shocked me. It was straight from the Word, and worded in EXACTLY the way I needed to hear. I had been praying & heard nothing. And then there was my answer, as soon as I opened my Bible. It was beautiful. It was encouraging. Exactly what I needed. It hit me right where I was. And it was filled with His love. Thank You God!!

Hope is what I need to cling to. Joy will be my strength. Faith is what will kill the enemy's lies and allow me to step forward, trusting Him to work out a good plan for MY life, even when it doesn't make sense.

So God, do the work in me...cuz I want peace again most of all...

a new view

So what if this wasn't a bad thing. What if this is a season of silence for a good reason. What if I knew I would come out the other side, and things would be better, deeper, stronger, better than I ever imagined...

What if this were just a necessary time of growing, learning, realizing?? Wouldn't it all be worth it? If I knew that, when this is over, I'd look back at it & say...that was TOTALLY worth it. Cuz if it hadn't happened, I may not have what I have now.

So what stops me from seeing this in such a positive light? Why do I always get so discouraged? God has ALWAYS been faithful. God has always grown things in the quiet times. If I'd just remember that, it may be easier to endure.

It's just that this journey has always been painfully slow. And I am NOT a patient gal.

But slow & steady always wins the race. And things worth waiting for are always sweeter in the end. Feelings that stand the test of time can never be matched...by ANYTHING.

I know it all deep down. But it's SO hard to accept...

Stronger

So...blogging again...I'm gonna touch a lil bit on a topic that has been bothering me for awhile. Weight loss. It saddens me that so many people have turned to dangerous methods of losing weight. Starving themselves, taking weird hormones. Is it THAT important to post a "pounds lost" success? I mean, this is slowly killing people. Who KNOWS what could happen in the future...the effects of these hormones, etc. It scares me. Why is weight so important to us in society anyway? Are we that superficial? So bent on getting thin that we would harm ourselves?

I know from experience that being the"perfect" weight will not make people happy. For me, once I got down very close to my goal weight, I felt healthier, I felt stronger. I lost weight the hard way. I worked out HARD. I ate less(but regular amounts of healthy food!) And I got so much healthier & stronger. But here's the thing...my life didn't "magically" change. I had the same problems, the same emotional issues, that I did when I was heavier. I expected things to be different. To be treated differently. And I think I thought that the people around me would also change. But they didn't. I didn't either. My body size changed. Inside tho, I was the same. And that was painfully obvious when the tough issues of my life hit home.

Weight loss MUST come with other changes as well. Mental, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual changes. The number on the scale means nothing. How you grow, how you develop, what you learn from your journey, is the key to KEEPING that weight off. This is the part that I worked on a tiny bit, but never even scratched the surface of...my deeper emotional issues of WHY I ate, WHY I was overweight. And so, the weight slowly started creeping back.

The number one key to being healthy (NOT losing weight...that is just superficial) is letting God take control. To admit you can NOT do it on your own. You need Him. You need His strength, His grace, His power. Once you give up control, lean on Him, and fall in love with Him as the only One who can save you & heal you...you WILL be successful. This I know. This I KNEW. But I lost sight of it.

I've got it back...I am fighting again. I am running away my pain. Not running away FROM it, but running it away...a few miles at a time. And letting myself fall in love again with the One who will help me to succeed so I can be the best I can be for Him. He's given me hope again...

And THAT is what makes a person beautiful! :)

P.S. I've got a few good tools coming my way in the form of two books & a song..."Reshaping it All" by Candace Cameron Bure, "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst, and the song "Stronger" by Mandisa...LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! I will prob blog more about the books when I get them & read them!

aware

God is opening me up. Stretching me. And I am stepping out and LOVING IT!! Finally I feel a sense of purpose, a vision. I now see a pathway to walk on ahead of me. And, I also see obstacles. Many of them. When I glance forward, they are pretty intimidating. They even look familiar.

I have many pet peeves...especially about the area I'm stepping out in. And on my first step, I encountered pretty much all of them! But I won't back down...and I won't give up. In giving of myself, in an area that I love and I'm very comfortable in, I have finally found peace. And at the same time, a strength that I forgot I possessed. I have said "I'll go where God wants me.." countless times in the past few days. And this time, I really MEAN it!

I am so excited for the first time in years. Pieces are falling into place. I am embracing the desires & passions God has put in my heart. Trusting Him to make it all make sense. And I have such a calm assurance that He is!! Everything in my life has led up to this!!

I am hoping I may be able to share more details, and those more openly, very soon. Cuz I think I'm gonna have some amazing stories to tell! :) I am FIRMLY under God's capable control!