regret...

I have a lot of regret in my life. I realize that looking back and feeling bad about choices I've made is pretty useless. But my mind goes there anyway.
I look at my daughters, age 10 and 14, and think, I could've done so many things differently. I should've spent more time with them when they were little. Not been so distracted. Not lost my temper so much. I am a stay-at-home mom. And we've struggled financially because of it. (Or in my regretful thoughts, I add "because of it.") And I didn't (and don't still) handle it well. I look at my kids' behavior and wonder if their shortcomings are because of my own mistakes, my own selfishness. My oldest is quite a handful. In reality, it's WAY beyond that, way worse than that. I can't discuss it because I know she wouldn't want me to. But oh my goodness, has she challenged my long-ago dream of even being a mother! My youngest is the complete opposite. Happy-go-lucky, easy-going, eager-to-please. But living in our dysfunction has changed her quite a bit. I often feel like she's looking around at the rest of us loonies in the family & thinking, "How did I get HERE??? Who are these crazy people??" And I fear that we have harmed her sweet spirit. Hubby and I also have issues. This is where we started. Issues we never had the time or resources to deal with or heal. So we've muddled through. And I look around our family and go.....this is NOT the way I wanted it to (or even thought it would) work out. This is not how I pictured my life...in many, many areas.
My kids have been in school full-time for 4 years now. I always thought when I got to that point, I'd know my purpose. I'd have a career, or even any job, to go to. Nothing has come up. I've searched the mediocre stuff that I felt I had to do for money, and gotten nowhere. And a career, a job with a purpose that I love? Ha. Nowhere to be found. I've prayed for answers. I've been on the "shelf" for years. And what do I regret? Not trying harder. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I missed God somewhere. Oh, that's my favorite game to play. Where did I miss God? If I feel so dissatisfied and have such a mess in my life, I must've missed Him! We still struggle financially. We aren't where we should be. We don't live in the area we should. We don't have the house we should. We aren't as stable as we should be. We are both pushing 40. I thought we'd be in a totally different place right now.
Yes, I regret a lot. And feel like I've failed in so many areas. I struggle in everything. I struggle as a wife. I struggle as a mother. I struggle, even, as a child of God. I feel like I've failed Him. I struggle with sinful habits. Yep. I do. Nuff said.
My family is hurting. My family is broken. We are NOT where I feel we should be. We are not bonded. We are not spiritually connected. We don't pray for our kids enough. We don't have devotions. We don't teach them the Word the way we should. We don't pray WITH them enough. I am trying to change that. And praying that hubby will also wake up and see how necessary it is to take this seriously. Our healing begins with God.
This is a lot of reality. My reason for this blog in the first place. ;) I don't look here for answers. I am very open to God's voice and His answers alone. But I do want to paint a real picture of my own life, because I know I'm not the only one going through these things. I know there are so many who put on a happy face and present a fake persona to the world. Here I want to say, I am not one of those people. I'm trying to figure it all out, with God's help, like everyone else. And some day, I do believe, I will be released in victory to help others heal. If I can EVER get there!

just do it...

For awhile I've had this nagging feeling that I really need to blog more. The problem is, I always feel a need to have a topic, or a point, or even a lesson to have learned that I can share. But really, my life never has any of those things! So why should my blog be any different?
When I was young, I wanted to be a few things. One was a singer. One was a Mom. And one was a writer. I figured I could either get married to someone as in love with music as I was and go on the road and sing our hearts out together, kids in tow...or I could have a normal life, settle down & marry, have some kids in suburbia, and be a writer. I dreamed of the former. I settled for the latter. Minus the "writer" part.
In college, I took a creative writing course and was very excited about it. All thru high school I excelled in my writing and my teachers loved whatever I handed in on paper. My college professor, however, took one look at my first assignment & commented..."What's the point? Why did you write this? What's its purpose?" Huh? (I assumed the word CREATIVE in the class title gave me free will to write my guts out about anything. I assumed wrong.) From that day on, I haven't enjoyed writing. I always ask myself "What's the point?" What's its purpose? Who'd want to read this anyway?" And then the word "blog" became popular. People wrote about anything & everything. Still, instead of jumping in with something clever....I only tended to ramble, cluelessly, leaving my readers wondering what the heck I was talking about.
So much of my life can't be shared. So many of my personal experiences can't be related to. And yet, I'm still like a balloon ready to pop at any moment if I don't get my thoughts & feelings out.
Still waiting for God's instruction on exactly how to do that...
I've written journals. I've written poetry. I've written songs. And yes, I've written blogs. But for what purpose? They all sit, rather useless.
What's the point?

something I NEED TO remember!!

and so I must post it here...

Expectations in Relationships
Posted by Victoria Osteen on May 27th, 2010

A couple of years ago, I was chatting with a young man who was sharing how the ministry had really helped him recover from a terrible divorce. He was saying that he just didn't understand what had gone wrong in his five-year marriage. "After all," he said, "we met through a very reputable matchmaking website. I guess I am living proof that those sites don't really work." He went on to tell how he had filled out the profile and that his computer-matched wife had every quality he desired in a woman. As I listened, I could just imagine him filling out the profile much like one might custom order a car. He wanted a blond woman who loved the outdoors and quiet walks on the beach. Perhaps he also ordered a woman who liked to keep a clean house, cook, and wanted exactly 3.5 children—two boys and one and a half girls! He even told me that he was able to request that she be of a certain Christian denomination. Apparently, their problems began during the second year of their marriage when he realized that she didn't really meet all of his standards. He still wasn't sure if she had lied on the profile, or changed after they had gotten married, or if the system itself was flawed. He actually said to me, "They never asked 'are you willing to be there when your husband needs you?'"
This young man is a prime example of how people enter relationships with set standards and expectations. When people do not meet the standards we set, we become disenchanted with the relationship, allowing disappointment and frustration to set in. It's easy to get along with people when everything is going great and others are acting exactly the way we want them to. But what happens when something goes wrong and our feelings get hurt? If you're not careful, you'll begin to focus on the unmet expectations which will affect your attitude, and ultimately, your relationship.
But it doesn't have to be that way if we will just learn to have realistic expectations and let people off the hook. We can avoid a lot of heartache by simply giving people room to be human. We have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect, and even the best people will fail us at times. We have to choose forgiveness because it is not up to anyone in our lives to keep us happy; that is our own responsibility. Too often, we want our mate to cheer us up when we are down; we expect our partner to always be loving and kind. We expect our boss to recognize our hard work and our friends to always be there for us. But those are unrealistic expectations. The perfect spouse does not exist, nor does the perfect boss, nor the perfect friend. We would avoid a lot of disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in some way. But when we get our eyes off their shortcomings and on to Jesus, we open the door for His grace and healing in our relationships. We open the door for love which is all that matters in eternity.

~so POWERFUL!!!

calling OUT

Oh God...this thing You've called me to is getting the best of me. Relentless attacks and endless struggle. I am SO CLOSE to giving up...in fact I LONG to be free more than ever before. I've been beaten up, bruised, and broken and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I need some sort of release from the hold this has on me. But I DON'T KNOW how to get there...and I don't sense any answers from You. It's so back and forth, so unreliable...I'm floundering and falling fast with nothing to hold on to. Please show me Your purpose in this. It's been SO long. Please give me some peace. And please bring answers quickly to calm my aching heart!!

wanderer going nowhere

I'm wandering. Just wandering aimlessly in one spot with no idea where to go or what to do next. Trying to flush out the junk in my life...the bad habits, the habitual sin...but still trying to keep the good things in tact. Maybe not so obsessively. I swear I have SUCH an addictive personality! And it's very hard to discern what is passion and what is addiction. If I could find the key to that, maybe things would be a lot simpler.

I've been spending time again lately reviewing the past. And I know we are not to "dwell" on the past, but I am desperately trying to glean some wisdom out of the things I've been through. Spent an entire night sobbing and just letting it all out. And poured my heart out to a sweet and trusted friend who God sent to me....oh my goodness what a huge blessing. I don't hear from her often. But she could sense that I needed her before I even texted her, and called me. Thank You Jesus. I SO needed that love that night. I was going down a path of regret and actually picturing my life without a certain element, and I realized...my life would have been SO MUCH EASIER had it not been for this thing in my life. More boring, maybe....but SO peaceful. Oh my goodness...it brought me to my knees literally.

I cannot help but see that God has made my life this way for a reason. He would not bring me so much pain, so much drama, if it were not for my ultimate good...to stretch me, to grow me, and to send me running back to Him, time & time again. I would not be as close to Him otherwise. I would not have such rich experiences in my life otherwise. I struggle to see the meaning, the purpose, the good....the help I could possibly be. Why ME, when I handle it so badly all the time?? I have never wanted to run so bad in my life. I've run from this before, but the urge to run was never so strong as it was the other night. And honestly, right now I'm just numb about it. I don't know what to keep and what to let go of. But I do know I surrender. I'm staying right here till God tells me to move. And it HURTS. But this is so close to my heart that I've lost judgment over what's good or bad, right or wrong. And because of everything else in my life that it affects, I MUST tread carefully.

So I am praying for wisdom, and discernment, and I'm trying to get back where I was....and clinging to God for dear life...!!!

pit-i-ful...

Today I'm just sad. Melancholy. And fighting depression. It feels like a huge pit is trying to suck me in. I fell in awhile back, and basically have been white-knuckling my way out for awhile. I can pretend things are ok & deal with them for a time, but that pit just keeps calling my name.
I have a lot of regrets in life. Way too many for someone in their 30s. Nothing big or huge, but things I wish I would've just all-out gone for. Not been so afraid. Not felt so unworthy. But I didn't know then what I know now. Didn't fully believe that God could do the impossible. Well, at least not for me. I knew Him, but I didn't now ABOUT Him the way I do now. Didn't have (and still don't, to a big extent) the confidence in Him that I could've had.
My life just makes no sense. I have these dreams in my heart that don't mix with my everyday life. I catch glimpses now & then of what might've been, and it only makes me hunger for more. Most of my dreams are unattainable. Honestly they are. So why do I long for them so bad? And why does God not replace my desires with something else...easier, more normal, more RIGHT...when I beg Him to? And why does He keep showing me things that cannot, should not, ever happen in my way of thinking?
It's a hard time for me. This time of year is always hard. Events happened in the past that I can't shake. And spring always makes a feeling of restlessness rise up within me. I've seen what restlessness can do. It can lead people down roads they were never meant to be on.
So really, I just want God to fill up my empty places. To show me how the desires of my heart fit into my life. I just don't see it. I just don't UNDERSTAND. And no matter how hard I try to squash things down & forget them...still they linger. And the pit calls to me again...

don't even know...

ok I don't even know where I'm going with this or why I'm blogging, except that this blog exists and posts are few & far between, and well...that's just not entertaining enough for me. Which is why I blog. To entertain myself. Oh yeah, and to vent. So here goes some vent-ation.

I sometimes feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. My life is pretty weird to begin with, but sometimes.....whew. Things just happen that blow me away. And not in a good way. It always amuses me how God lets me see certain things and not others. Answers some questions spot-on, right away, and leaves me guessing about others. Like, how some people can continue to be so fake when they KNOW I know the truth. Or maybe they don't know that I know. In which case, I don't know if they know that I know. Which is just weird. And also, how people who were mortal enemies & couldn't stand each other can now be best buddies after breaking ties with me. Maybe that is their common bond? I don't know. All I do know is that I made some pretty bad choices in friends for too long & completely shut out others...all in the name of....what? I don't know! But I feel like I'm payin for it now.

When the "cool" wears out, when you've been used & abused, when you've been dropped as uninteresting by so many that were once part of your everyday life....well I look around & wonder....what in the world was I wasting my time for?? And will I ever truly trust again? That people want to know ME and not know who I know? There has to be a balance between complete cynicism and trusting completely. I'm determined to find it.

I am blessed, I know that much. I am blessed to know a precious few who truly "get" me and will never turn their back on me, even in the midst of lies & deceptive games...because they know my heart...and they know I always do the same for them. And BOY do I!
I honestly do feel peaceful. Where once, these things I've found out would've pained me for days, I can honestly look at them now and they don't bother me. Much. I just wonder at the absurdity of people. And I think I'm finally deciding to truly enjoy what I have and not crave more, or want something different. I feel like I'm watching a very entertaining movie where I am the main character and God is the director.

I wonder what the next scene will be....

and ummm....where the heck is my popcorn??