wanderer going nowhere

I'm wandering. Just wandering aimlessly in one spot with no idea where to go or what to do next. Trying to flush out the junk in my life...the bad habits, the habitual sin...but still trying to keep the good things in tact. Maybe not so obsessively. I swear I have SUCH an addictive personality! And it's very hard to discern what is passion and what is addiction. If I could find the key to that, maybe things would be a lot simpler.

I've been spending time again lately reviewing the past. And I know we are not to "dwell" on the past, but I am desperately trying to glean some wisdom out of the things I've been through. Spent an entire night sobbing and just letting it all out. And poured my heart out to a sweet and trusted friend who God sent to me....oh my goodness what a huge blessing. I don't hear from her often. But she could sense that I needed her before I even texted her, and called me. Thank You Jesus. I SO needed that love that night. I was going down a path of regret and actually picturing my life without a certain element, and I realized...my life would have been SO MUCH EASIER had it not been for this thing in my life. More boring, maybe....but SO peaceful. Oh my goodness...it brought me to my knees literally.

I cannot help but see that God has made my life this way for a reason. He would not bring me so much pain, so much drama, if it were not for my ultimate good...to stretch me, to grow me, and to send me running back to Him, time & time again. I would not be as close to Him otherwise. I would not have such rich experiences in my life otherwise. I struggle to see the meaning, the purpose, the good....the help I could possibly be. Why ME, when I handle it so badly all the time?? I have never wanted to run so bad in my life. I've run from this before, but the urge to run was never so strong as it was the other night. And honestly, right now I'm just numb about it. I don't know what to keep and what to let go of. But I do know I surrender. I'm staying right here till God tells me to move. And it HURTS. But this is so close to my heart that I've lost judgment over what's good or bad, right or wrong. And because of everything else in my life that it affects, I MUST tread carefully.

So I am praying for wisdom, and discernment, and I'm trying to get back where I was....and clinging to God for dear life...!!!