ok I don't even know where I'm going with this or why I'm blogging, except that this blog exists and posts are few & far between, and well...that's just not entertaining enough for me. Which is why I blog. To entertain myself. Oh yeah, and to vent. So here goes some vent-ation.
I sometimes feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. My life is pretty weird to begin with, but sometimes.....whew. Things just happen that blow me away. And not in a good way. It always amuses me how God lets me see certain things and not others. Answers some questions spot-on, right away, and leaves me guessing about others. Like, how some people can continue to be so fake when they KNOW I know the truth. Or maybe they don't know that I know. In which case, I don't know if they know that I know. Which is just weird. And also, how people who were mortal enemies & couldn't stand each other can now be best buddies after breaking ties with me. Maybe that is their common bond? I don't know. All I do know is that I made some pretty bad choices in friends for too long & completely shut out others...all in the name of....what? I don't know! But I feel like I'm payin for it now.
When the "cool" wears out, when you've been used & abused, when you've been dropped as uninteresting by so many that were once part of your everyday life....well I look around & wonder....what in the world was I wasting my time for?? And will I ever truly trust again? That people want to know ME and not know who I know? There has to be a balance between complete cynicism and trusting completely. I'm determined to find it.
I am blessed, I know that much. I am blessed to know a precious few who truly "get" me and will never turn their back on me, even in the midst of lies & deceptive games...because they know my heart...and they know I always do the same for them. And BOY do I!
I honestly do feel peaceful. Where once, these things I've found out would've pained me for days, I can honestly look at them now and they don't bother me. Much. I just wonder at the absurdity of people. And I think I'm finally deciding to truly enjoy what I have and not crave more, or want something different. I feel like I'm watching a very entertaining movie where I am the main character and God is the director.
I wonder what the next scene will be....
and ummm....where the heck is my popcorn??
10 months ago
2 comments:
I'll bring the popcorn :)
I think I had this dream once where God showed me that I will come to know someone very special who will want very badly to know me. As I engaged this person with my attention, I realized how very many people would give anything in to be in my position therefore I questioned..."why me?" The answer was that only I saw the person for who they were and not what they did, or had (or knew).
Hmm? Do you sing country music??? LOLOLOLOLLLOLOLLOL!!!!!
oh my!! What do I say to that??? LOLOL!!!
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