Today I'm just sad. Melancholy. And fighting depression. It feels like a huge pit is trying to suck me in. I fell in awhile back, and basically have been white-knuckling my way out for awhile. I can pretend things are ok & deal with them for a time, but that pit just keeps calling my name.
I have a lot of regrets in life. Way too many for someone in their 30s. Nothing big or huge, but things I wish I would've just all-out gone for. Not been so afraid. Not felt so unworthy. But I didn't know then what I know now. Didn't fully believe that God could do the impossible. Well, at least not for me. I knew Him, but I didn't now ABOUT Him the way I do now. Didn't have (and still don't, to a big extent) the confidence in Him that I could've had.
My life just makes no sense. I have these dreams in my heart that don't mix with my everyday life. I catch glimpses now & then of what might've been, and it only makes me hunger for more. Most of my dreams are unattainable. Honestly they are. So why do I long for them so bad? And why does God not replace my desires with something else...easier, more normal, more RIGHT...when I beg Him to? And why does He keep showing me things that cannot, should not, ever happen in my way of thinking?
It's a hard time for me. This time of year is always hard. Events happened in the past that I can't shake. And spring always makes a feeling of restlessness rise up within me. I've seen what restlessness can do. It can lead people down roads they were never meant to be on.
So really, I just want God to fill up my empty places. To show me how the desires of my heart fit into my life. I just don't see it. I just don't UNDERSTAND. And no matter how hard I try to squash things down & forget them...still they linger. And the pit calls to me again...
10 months ago
2 comments:
How are you SO sure you can't attain these "dreams" you have?? Maybe a couple steps out in faith and see what happens? If they align with His will, they will happen! Or are the dreams actually part of the person you WERE and are not NOW? Yet you have held onto them because if you let them go, you have let go just more of who you WERE?
We're always growing...and you have grown...so surely you are BETTER NOW than you were before and what you can accomplish now might be better than the dreams you had for yourself before.
I have no idea what your dreams are...and thus I have no way to say whether they are even possible or not...but God can do the impossible, and with God, I guess YOU can too! So what's stopping ya sistah? Put those dreams to work and see what comes out of them NOW.
I don't even have "dreams" anymore...I have hope that things will eventually be better for us, my family. But I can't see how that will happen or when...so therefore I don't dream. I just live for the day as much as I can. Maybe I should be glad I don't have dreams for my future anymore...seems like it makes things a little easier to deal with the now life. ?? *shrugs*
Cheer up babycakes...get outside and walk...get your endorphins going and take in all that He created just for you. Get off the computer and go breathe some fresh air and worship, cry, worship, cry....you'll get some answers!
Hmmmm, This post sounds strangely familiar. As usual, we are on the same page.
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