regret...

I have a lot of regret in my life. I realize that looking back and feeling bad about choices I've made is pretty useless. But my mind goes there anyway.
I look at my daughters, age 10 and 14, and think, I could've done so many things differently. I should've spent more time with them when they were little. Not been so distracted. Not lost my temper so much. I am a stay-at-home mom. And we've struggled financially because of it. (Or in my regretful thoughts, I add "because of it.") And I didn't (and don't still) handle it well. I look at my kids' behavior and wonder if their shortcomings are because of my own mistakes, my own selfishness. My oldest is quite a handful. In reality, it's WAY beyond that, way worse than that. I can't discuss it because I know she wouldn't want me to. But oh my goodness, has she challenged my long-ago dream of even being a mother! My youngest is the complete opposite. Happy-go-lucky, easy-going, eager-to-please. But living in our dysfunction has changed her quite a bit. I often feel like she's looking around at the rest of us loonies in the family & thinking, "How did I get HERE??? Who are these crazy people??" And I fear that we have harmed her sweet spirit. Hubby and I also have issues. This is where we started. Issues we never had the time or resources to deal with or heal. So we've muddled through. And I look around our family and go.....this is NOT the way I wanted it to (or even thought it would) work out. This is not how I pictured my life...in many, many areas.
My kids have been in school full-time for 4 years now. I always thought when I got to that point, I'd know my purpose. I'd have a career, or even any job, to go to. Nothing has come up. I've searched the mediocre stuff that I felt I had to do for money, and gotten nowhere. And a career, a job with a purpose that I love? Ha. Nowhere to be found. I've prayed for answers. I've been on the "shelf" for years. And what do I regret? Not trying harder. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I missed God somewhere. Oh, that's my favorite game to play. Where did I miss God? If I feel so dissatisfied and have such a mess in my life, I must've missed Him! We still struggle financially. We aren't where we should be. We don't live in the area we should. We don't have the house we should. We aren't as stable as we should be. We are both pushing 40. I thought we'd be in a totally different place right now.
Yes, I regret a lot. And feel like I've failed in so many areas. I struggle in everything. I struggle as a wife. I struggle as a mother. I struggle, even, as a child of God. I feel like I've failed Him. I struggle with sinful habits. Yep. I do. Nuff said.
My family is hurting. My family is broken. We are NOT where I feel we should be. We are not bonded. We are not spiritually connected. We don't pray for our kids enough. We don't have devotions. We don't teach them the Word the way we should. We don't pray WITH them enough. I am trying to change that. And praying that hubby will also wake up and see how necessary it is to take this seriously. Our healing begins with God.
This is a lot of reality. My reason for this blog in the first place. ;) I don't look here for answers. I am very open to God's voice and His answers alone. But I do want to paint a real picture of my own life, because I know I'm not the only one going through these things. I know there are so many who put on a happy face and present a fake persona to the world. Here I want to say, I am not one of those people. I'm trying to figure it all out, with God's help, like everyone else. And some day, I do believe, I will be released in victory to help others heal. If I can EVER get there!