calling OUT

Oh God...this thing You've called me to is getting the best of me. Relentless attacks and endless struggle. I am SO CLOSE to giving up...in fact I LONG to be free more than ever before. I've been beaten up, bruised, and broken and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I need some sort of release from the hold this has on me. But I DON'T KNOW how to get there...and I don't sense any answers from You. It's so back and forth, so unreliable...I'm floundering and falling fast with nothing to hold on to. Please show me Your purpose in this. It's been SO long. Please give me some peace. And please bring answers quickly to calm my aching heart!!

wanderer going nowhere

I'm wandering. Just wandering aimlessly in one spot with no idea where to go or what to do next. Trying to flush out the junk in my life...the bad habits, the habitual sin...but still trying to keep the good things in tact. Maybe not so obsessively. I swear I have SUCH an addictive personality! And it's very hard to discern what is passion and what is addiction. If I could find the key to that, maybe things would be a lot simpler.

I've been spending time again lately reviewing the past. And I know we are not to "dwell" on the past, but I am desperately trying to glean some wisdom out of the things I've been through. Spent an entire night sobbing and just letting it all out. And poured my heart out to a sweet and trusted friend who God sent to me....oh my goodness what a huge blessing. I don't hear from her often. But she could sense that I needed her before I even texted her, and called me. Thank You Jesus. I SO needed that love that night. I was going down a path of regret and actually picturing my life without a certain element, and I realized...my life would have been SO MUCH EASIER had it not been for this thing in my life. More boring, maybe....but SO peaceful. Oh my goodness...it brought me to my knees literally.

I cannot help but see that God has made my life this way for a reason. He would not bring me so much pain, so much drama, if it were not for my ultimate good...to stretch me, to grow me, and to send me running back to Him, time & time again. I would not be as close to Him otherwise. I would not have such rich experiences in my life otherwise. I struggle to see the meaning, the purpose, the good....the help I could possibly be. Why ME, when I handle it so badly all the time?? I have never wanted to run so bad in my life. I've run from this before, but the urge to run was never so strong as it was the other night. And honestly, right now I'm just numb about it. I don't know what to keep and what to let go of. But I do know I surrender. I'm staying right here till God tells me to move. And it HURTS. But this is so close to my heart that I've lost judgment over what's good or bad, right or wrong. And because of everything else in my life that it affects, I MUST tread carefully.

So I am praying for wisdom, and discernment, and I'm trying to get back where I was....and clinging to God for dear life...!!!

pit-i-ful...

Today I'm just sad. Melancholy. And fighting depression. It feels like a huge pit is trying to suck me in. I fell in awhile back, and basically have been white-knuckling my way out for awhile. I can pretend things are ok & deal with them for a time, but that pit just keeps calling my name.
I have a lot of regrets in life. Way too many for someone in their 30s. Nothing big or huge, but things I wish I would've just all-out gone for. Not been so afraid. Not felt so unworthy. But I didn't know then what I know now. Didn't fully believe that God could do the impossible. Well, at least not for me. I knew Him, but I didn't now ABOUT Him the way I do now. Didn't have (and still don't, to a big extent) the confidence in Him that I could've had.
My life just makes no sense. I have these dreams in my heart that don't mix with my everyday life. I catch glimpses now & then of what might've been, and it only makes me hunger for more. Most of my dreams are unattainable. Honestly they are. So why do I long for them so bad? And why does God not replace my desires with something else...easier, more normal, more RIGHT...when I beg Him to? And why does He keep showing me things that cannot, should not, ever happen in my way of thinking?
It's a hard time for me. This time of year is always hard. Events happened in the past that I can't shake. And spring always makes a feeling of restlessness rise up within me. I've seen what restlessness can do. It can lead people down roads they were never meant to be on.
So really, I just want God to fill up my empty places. To show me how the desires of my heart fit into my life. I just don't see it. I just don't UNDERSTAND. And no matter how hard I try to squash things down & forget them...still they linger. And the pit calls to me again...

don't even know...

ok I don't even know where I'm going with this or why I'm blogging, except that this blog exists and posts are few & far between, and well...that's just not entertaining enough for me. Which is why I blog. To entertain myself. Oh yeah, and to vent. So here goes some vent-ation.

I sometimes feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. My life is pretty weird to begin with, but sometimes.....whew. Things just happen that blow me away. And not in a good way. It always amuses me how God lets me see certain things and not others. Answers some questions spot-on, right away, and leaves me guessing about others. Like, how some people can continue to be so fake when they KNOW I know the truth. Or maybe they don't know that I know. In which case, I don't know if they know that I know. Which is just weird. And also, how people who were mortal enemies & couldn't stand each other can now be best buddies after breaking ties with me. Maybe that is their common bond? I don't know. All I do know is that I made some pretty bad choices in friends for too long & completely shut out others...all in the name of....what? I don't know! But I feel like I'm payin for it now.

When the "cool" wears out, when you've been used & abused, when you've been dropped as uninteresting by so many that were once part of your everyday life....well I look around & wonder....what in the world was I wasting my time for?? And will I ever truly trust again? That people want to know ME and not know who I know? There has to be a balance between complete cynicism and trusting completely. I'm determined to find it.

I am blessed, I know that much. I am blessed to know a precious few who truly "get" me and will never turn their back on me, even in the midst of lies & deceptive games...because they know my heart...and they know I always do the same for them. And BOY do I!
I honestly do feel peaceful. Where once, these things I've found out would've pained me for days, I can honestly look at them now and they don't bother me. Much. I just wonder at the absurdity of people. And I think I'm finally deciding to truly enjoy what I have and not crave more, or want something different. I feel like I'm watching a very entertaining movie where I am the main character and God is the director.

I wonder what the next scene will be....

and ummm....where the heck is my popcorn??

never enough...

enough
for one but not the other
always caught behind
hidden dreams
cold in the silence
still warmth surrounds
every distant memory
one can feel
the other abandons
for the real in here and now
holding on alone
one heart goes unnoticed
until the time
a light shines again
revealed inside
the sparkle of night
the magic of moonlight
frozen in time
the quiet
screams indifference
but not in depths
where sun never reaches
still flames burn strong
never to die
silently longing
and waiting
till stars shine through
the clouds of dishonesty
awakening the truth

one of those obligatory year-end blogs...

Well, this year was.....kinda crazy. I can honestly say that I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year, in a lot of different areas. And in a lot better ways! I've learned a lot. And still some of those lingering questions remain. But maybe there are some lessons throughout the madness...

I wrote a lot this year. A lot of gut-wrenching, emotional stuff....songs, poems, bits & pieces here & there. Prayer journals I never finished. Snapshots in time. And lots & lots of encouraging, heartfelt, God-driven notes...that I pray will bear much fruit in the years to come.

I cried a lot this year. Long-overdue mourning for best friends lost...and still deeply missed. Bittersweet lonely sobs for longings unfulfilled that never seem to subside. Grateful tears for unexpected blessings...and friendships blossoming in new ways. Renewal in many areas of my heart, soul, and spirit.

I gave up a lot this year. Control of things I can no longer dare to try to figure out. Dreams that flew away down roads to nowhere. Bitterness and anger for situations that were never meant to hurt me, but to teach me how to love better, and stronger, and harder....and longer. Plans that never quite panned out in the way I hoped. And unfair expectations that were replaced with joyful surprises in the end.

I loved a lot this year. Through frustration. And disappointment. And misunderstanding. And anger. And fear. And pain. And sorrow. And distrust. And silence. And distance. And loneliness. And emptiness. And sadness. And longing. And time. And trying again. And fresh starts. And new beginnings. And understanding. And faith. And hope. And trust. And openness. And freedom. And laughter. And joy.

I feel like this was a transition year. 2008 was rough. 2009 felt like I was opening up again, being prepared, getting ready. For whatever God has in store for me in 2010. I'm bracing myself.

So Lord I pray, make me worthy of the things You've blessed me with. Worthy of my awesome calling. Mindful of my words and actions in the light of eternity. Help me to tread carefully in the places where eyes will read and ears will hear. And to hold cautiously the precious hearts You've trusted me with. I am awestruck as I think of the wonders You've shown me in the past year. Thank You for abundant healing. Undeserving love. Friendships restored and deepened. A purpose that's not always easy, but strangely fulfilling. Only in emptying myself, and being filled with You. Your words. Your love. Your will. Your purposes. Your destiny. More of You, and less of me. Always. Give me strength.....and faith....and hope.....and especially, LOVE.

Letting go....

I am struggling today with this "letting go" thing. For a situation in my past. Oh yes, I've forgiven. I'm free from that. And I hold no ill will. It's the moving on that's hard. I can see I'm being blamed for someone else's misery. I can see they're making themselves miserable by holding on to bitterness, and coming against me for it. Still I remain silent. But when you truly pray for someone to be blessed, to be free, to move on...and they don't...that hurts. I hurt for them. And I'm starting to blame myself as well. What I did in ending a friendship was truly what God told me to do. So He could bless us both in ways He never could when we were together. But I know I am the only one who believes this. Sometimes love means saying goodbye. Sometimes true love requires letting go. There's no way I can get anyone else to understand that. And still it goes on...the picking and blaming and hating. I hate being hated. I hate to think I'm the reason for someone else's pain. So I keep praying....still grieving inside, and attempting to leave it in God's hands.