aware

God is opening me up. Stretching me. And I am stepping out and LOVING IT!! Finally I feel a sense of purpose, a vision. I now see a pathway to walk on ahead of me. And, I also see obstacles. Many of them. When I glance forward, they are pretty intimidating. They even look familiar.

I have many pet peeves...especially about the area I'm stepping out in. And on my first step, I encountered pretty much all of them! But I won't back down...and I won't give up. In giving of myself, in an area that I love and I'm very comfortable in, I have finally found peace. And at the same time, a strength that I forgot I possessed. I have said "I'll go where God wants me.." countless times in the past few days. And this time, I really MEAN it!

I am so excited for the first time in years. Pieces are falling into place. I am embracing the desires & passions God has put in my heart. Trusting Him to make it all make sense. And I have such a calm assurance that He is!! Everything in my life has led up to this!!

I am hoping I may be able to share more details, and those more openly, very soon. Cuz I think I'm gonna have some amazing stories to tell! :) I am FIRMLY under God's capable control!

reassurance

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's Seal.

No, that TRAUMA you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd GROW.

You are who you are for a REASON,
You've been formed by the Master's Rod.
You are who you are, BELOVED,
Because There Is A GOD!!

~Russell Kelfer

priceless

sometimes the depth of it just overwhelms me

now & then I realize the enormity of what I've been given

no one on earth will ever understand how precious it is to me

and I will never make it known

though it gets harder & harder to hide

it is divine, it is supernatural

it is something that overtakes my soul & leaves me breathless

moved to tears of bittersweet awe and joyous pain

that I would not trade for anything

cuz I SHOULD...

I kinda feel obligated to do a year-end blog, since I've done one for the past few years...and so, it's become somewhat of a ritual. After spending almost a week sick in bed tho, I'm pretty much worn-out and empty of any coherent words of reflective wisdom...I think...

However, I would like to capture this moment in time, because this past year was a bit of a whirlwind, emotionally. Not any huge mishaps or crises or milestones, but a lot of quiet lessons learned along the way. I have timidly opened my heart up more. To be accepted and loved, and to be rejected and hurt. But I think I've accepted the hurts more. It makes the love that much sweeter. I've learned that I can't control everything, and have loosened my grip on many things, mainly my own family. I've learned that actions speak louder than words.(I learned that one the hard way!) I've seen impossible dreams come true. And I've come to grips with the fact that even if I receive the things I always dreamed of, it still leaves me yearning for more. Left to myself, I will constantly be blindly reaching. I'm sick of feeling that way! So I've basically learned to accept life as it comes, accept people for who they are, and leave the rest in God's capable hands. I've curled up in His lap & cried it all out to Him more this year than in years past. I've left a lot more up to His wisdom. I've almost, in a way, given up. Not given up hope, but given my hopes & dreams to Him to handle. Even when things don't turn out the way I wish they would, I know deep down that His ways, His plans, are always better. Even when I can't see it for myself. And there's been a LOT of that this year. So much hidden, so few answers. I pray that prayer once again at the beginning of this next year....Lord please reveal some more pieces of this puzzle that You've been putting together, called my life. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to open up a whole lot of new doors, and I know that He has made me ready. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure!

So, all that being said, my main goal of 2001 is to hold tighter to Him than ever before, and follow Him to wherever He leads me...

wounded

Love wears me out. Sometimes it is SO HARD for me to love. Cuz the attacks come fast and furious, I'm left reeling, and my heart gets bruised every time. Passionate people who love very deeply also have the vulnerability of being hurt very deeply. I wish my heart would be handled with care, but that's just not the case.
I feel battered & broken. I feel it is never understood just how badly that carelessness and indifference hurts me. I wish I had the boldness to stand up & say...enough is enough.
But I'm kinda left in an out-of-control position. I can't be as open as I want to be. I wouldn't know how to if I tried. And if I did, I feel like I'd just hit a brick wall.
I know God's called me to stick it out. He's given me HUGE amounts of fierce loyalty, and passionate love, for a reason. It keeps me hanging in there. My heart can't help but hang on. I was born for it. It's a part of me. God made two infinitely different worlds collide to create a beauty that only He can see the depth of. That only He fully understands. And only He knows the purpose of it.
I am frustrated and wounded, but at the same time I feel humbled. God trusts me, even though I don't know why, with some precious secret things and insights that no one else would ever know. And yet, that is also very painful. Lonely, even. I don't always know what to do with this knowledge, but to trust that He will work it all out for good in His own time. Attempt to carry my broken heart to Him, and desperately fight the urge to figure it all out on my own or push things to completion before it's ready to happen.
And meanwhile, I endure the hurt. I dig deep and find new hope. I ignore the futile things I "see", and reach for things unseen.
Even if God and I are completely alone in this...I will not back down. I will not give up.

It's not easy...it's the most difficult thing I've ever done...but I know and I cling to this...

Love.Never.Fails.

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed. I was going along, doing fine...forgetting...then BOOM.

It invaded me again.

Problem is, I can't figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

God, please make sense of this. Heal my wounded heart. Give me the answers I need. Something has to give soon. Or I fear I'll go crazy.

I can't walk away. I can't pretend anymore. I'm haunted. It hurts. And I need Your help. I COMPLETELY give up.

Show me meaning in this...or please end it...

I am ready for the truth.

forward

So I am determined to look forward. No more regretting the past or being discontent with what I have or where I am. I am here, right now, for a REASON. God has good plans for me. I'm sick of doubting that.

Today, despite being thrown a huge whammy in my gut yesterday regarding a past relationship, I feel a general sense of peace. I don't really know why. I've been angry, I've cried, I've vented....but now...I feel calm. Resting in God's will. KNOWING I've done the right thing. (And referring back to those Psalms from the other day that talk about enemies...ahem.)

If there's one thing I've learned in the past couple years, it's that God has my back. He works in ways I cannot see. He whispers my name in positive ways to dispel any doubt. He brings truth to light. He has established foundations and bonds that can never be broken. And will never be understood by the human mind. And can never be destroyed by anyone. In my peace surrounded by pain, I am still awestruck at what He's done...and hopeful about what He's yet to do. I don't have the answers. I still don't know where my next step will be. But I can once again take a deep breath & say "Okay Lord...You lead me. You take over. I'm giving You control."

And I sit here in the silence, waiting on Him.

I remember the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain. Let me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer. Save me from my enemies, Lord; I run to You to hide me. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your name, O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness, bring me out of this distress. In Your unfailing love, cut off all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am Your servant. (verses from Psalm 143)