never enough...

enough
for one but not the other
always caught behind
hidden dreams
cold in the silence
still warmth surrounds
every distant memory
one can feel
the other abandons
for the real in here and now
holding on alone
one heart goes unnoticed
until the time
a light shines again
revealed inside
the sparkle of night
the magic of moonlight
frozen in time
the quiet
screams indifference
but not in depths
where sun never reaches
still flames burn strong
never to die
silently longing
and waiting
till stars shine through
the clouds of dishonesty
awakening the truth

one of those obligatory year-end blogs...

Well, this year was.....kinda crazy. I can honestly say that I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year, in a lot of different areas. And in a lot better ways! I've learned a lot. And still some of those lingering questions remain. But maybe there are some lessons throughout the madness...

I wrote a lot this year. A lot of gut-wrenching, emotional stuff....songs, poems, bits & pieces here & there. Prayer journals I never finished. Snapshots in time. And lots & lots of encouraging, heartfelt, God-driven notes...that I pray will bear much fruit in the years to come.

I cried a lot this year. Long-overdue mourning for best friends lost...and still deeply missed. Bittersweet lonely sobs for longings unfulfilled that never seem to subside. Grateful tears for unexpected blessings...and friendships blossoming in new ways. Renewal in many areas of my heart, soul, and spirit.

I gave up a lot this year. Control of things I can no longer dare to try to figure out. Dreams that flew away down roads to nowhere. Bitterness and anger for situations that were never meant to hurt me, but to teach me how to love better, and stronger, and harder....and longer. Plans that never quite panned out in the way I hoped. And unfair expectations that were replaced with joyful surprises in the end.

I loved a lot this year. Through frustration. And disappointment. And misunderstanding. And anger. And fear. And pain. And sorrow. And distrust. And silence. And distance. And loneliness. And emptiness. And sadness. And longing. And time. And trying again. And fresh starts. And new beginnings. And understanding. And faith. And hope. And trust. And openness. And freedom. And laughter. And joy.

I feel like this was a transition year. 2008 was rough. 2009 felt like I was opening up again, being prepared, getting ready. For whatever God has in store for me in 2010. I'm bracing myself.

So Lord I pray, make me worthy of the things You've blessed me with. Worthy of my awesome calling. Mindful of my words and actions in the light of eternity. Help me to tread carefully in the places where eyes will read and ears will hear. And to hold cautiously the precious hearts You've trusted me with. I am awestruck as I think of the wonders You've shown me in the past year. Thank You for abundant healing. Undeserving love. Friendships restored and deepened. A purpose that's not always easy, but strangely fulfilling. Only in emptying myself, and being filled with You. Your words. Your love. Your will. Your purposes. Your destiny. More of You, and less of me. Always. Give me strength.....and faith....and hope.....and especially, LOVE.

Letting go....

I am struggling today with this "letting go" thing. For a situation in my past. Oh yes, I've forgiven. I'm free from that. And I hold no ill will. It's the moving on that's hard. I can see I'm being blamed for someone else's misery. I can see they're making themselves miserable by holding on to bitterness, and coming against me for it. Still I remain silent. But when you truly pray for someone to be blessed, to be free, to move on...and they don't...that hurts. I hurt for them. And I'm starting to blame myself as well. What I did in ending a friendship was truly what God told me to do. So He could bless us both in ways He never could when we were together. But I know I am the only one who believes this. Sometimes love means saying goodbye. Sometimes true love requires letting go. There's no way I can get anyone else to understand that. And still it goes on...the picking and blaming and hating. I hate being hated. I hate to think I'm the reason for someone else's pain. So I keep praying....still grieving inside, and attempting to leave it in God's hands.

Breakthrough

Funny how God speaks. :)

Breakthrough, was this mentioned in my last blog comments? Why yes, yes it was. :) And major breakthrough is what I got after my last blog! Something I longed for, but something that I didn't even need...broke through, and God whispered..."See?? Trust Me. :) " Yes, the smile IS the part of the quote from God. He smiles on me a lot. :) Way more than I deserve.

So that is the praise...here comes the struggle...

If it would've ended there I would've been ok. I think. But there was a little more that took me somewhere that I'm not sure I wanted to go. It grabbed me. And broke me down in tears. Happy tears for awhile. That laugh/cry thing. But it wasn't long before I was like ohhhhhh.....am I really back here again?

It led me on a journey of my past. It led me back to a journal that I started pouring my heart out in....my TRUE heart, that NO one fully knows about....about 5 years ago. Let me tell you, some things in my life have DRASTICALLY changed since then. But my heart has not. And back then, I thought my heart was messed up. I read things today that floored me. Cuz I was SO SURE there were so many things that I needed to let go of, to move on from, to RUN away from...but I took a path that led me straight into it. The pain in my heart right now makes me think I took a wrong path. But when I look at the results of where I've journeyed the past 5 years or so, it makes me want to fall down on my knees and sob like a baby at the enormity of it all. Had I taken that other path (which I FULLY thought was God's will, and it still to this day makes NO SENSE that it wasn't, since I received much insight from good solid Christian books, teachers, etc that it was!) there are countless people that would have been affected, would have missed out. I would not have been obedient to my calling. I would not have been there for the people that needed me. I would not have been a part of things that were, and still are, world-changing.

But none of this makes sense. It only has me more confused. Looking back at this journal, I was SO SURE what God wanted me to do back then. It was right. It was wise. It was Biblical.

Honestly I know that I am where I am for a reason. But let me assure you, there are reasons I can't be specific about anything. I am smack-dab in the middle of a life that is not the norm. My issues are very unique. And that is why God holds me so close. Why He Himself speaks to me about such things. The things He has put in my heart, only things He could do, which He put there years ago, crossed my paths with His Divine intervention. And I accept it now, that no one can relate. No one can fully understand or advise. To those close to me...know this...I do not expect you to. If you are giving me God's words and wisdom, from HIM alone, it is exactly what I need. But this is God & me. Always has been, always will be. My calling is very personal, very deep, and something I must keep very close and be very careful with. I count it as precious and cherish it. And God is whispering to me now..."You took the right path. See how I accomplished wonders you could never even imagine back then? Hold on to those things in your heart. I put them there for a reason. MY reason. For MY purposes. Do NOT LET GO! I am NOT DONE." And I trust that God has me in the palm of His hand. I'm stepping very verrrry slowly around the mountain this time. I can not see even one tiny piece of my future.

But I trust that He will make it good.

sick

I'm sick of trying to get people to love me who have no clue how to...and who really don't care.

I'm sick of kidding myself.

I'm sick of regretting my past.

I'm sick of feeling dumb for every single thing I do.

I'm sick of being angry at someone who hurt me so bad, and who now doesn't even seem to care.

I'm sick of thinking everyone's making fun of me.

I'm sick of sleepwalking through my life.

I'm sick of being afraid of trying.

I'm sick of letting my past fears rule my future.

I'm sick of thinking the impossible can't happen to ME.

I'm sick of watching everyone else get what I want.

I'm sick of life being so hard on the inside, when from the outside it looks like everything's fine.

I'm sick of closing myself off to those who could be my friends because I'm so afraid to trust again.

I'm sick of feeling alone.

I'm sick of feeling alone, yet choosing to close myself off.

I'm sick of being confused about my purpose.

I'm just sick....sick of the enemy paralyzing me, sick of being a slave to my addictions, sick of craving approval from others, sick of living the way I've been living.

Somehow, someway....

I want to get better.

nothing to go on...

That's where I find myself. God is speaking CLEARLY to me, and I am blindly following His lead, but I have no idea if what I'm doing is right, or being received, or is even timely! But He has whispered these things to me before, and I have gotten small hints that what I am doing is making a difference. So I've gotta believe right now that He is leading me on the right path...for this very time, for this very place, for this very moment in history. Cuz WOW...this is going to impact countless people for Christ. It's gonna be HUGE. I can feel it. It's not in anything I'm doing, but thru the vessel God is calling me to be...to be the one who speaks His words to one that will touch the world. Love that. I am awed & humbled, once again. And I pray that I speak nothing but His words, that my motives always stay pure, and that I give all my heart and soul to lifting up this precious need. AMEN!!

Fearless Love

So I am seriously learning a lot about love lately. And not in the way that I might have expected to talk about, or think I should learn it...but in a way that hits home hard. I gotta admit, I've circled around this mountain before....a few times even! God gives me this test a lot, each time on a deeper and more intense scale. I guess I'd call it "loving the unlovely." And no, it's not really about loving my enemies(we've scratched the surface of that, but not dug deep yet) or about loving those who are undesirable. On the contrary. It's about loving those who I love SO much, and learning how to love them when they don't do what I want, or act the way I want, or fit nicely into my plan of the way life should work to make me happy! :) Understand, these are not people who deliberately try to annoy me. In fact, I believe that they care about me very much. They are just clueless. Perhaps they don't know how to love in general, or how to love selflessly, or have no clue how to love me properly. Whatever the case may be, I've allowed them to hurt me tremendously. And this has affected my relationships in ugly ways. By withdrawing from rejection, by masking hurt feelings, by acting as if I don't care...or even by hurting deliberately in return. That one is the most harmful. Doesn't that make me even more at fault? By deliberately hurting those who never intended to hurt me? Awful thing. But true nonetheless. So where does all this come from?

I am the baby in my family. Youngest of four girls. And OHHH how my sisters gushed over me. Protected me. Took good care of me. I worked that "baby" status for all it was worth! But there comes a point in life when the "baby" is cast out into the real world and realizes...I'm not the center of attention here. Something must be wrong with the world! :) Or tragically, something must be wrong with ME. We do crazy things to get attention. We smother even our closest friends. We so crave love and affection that we will stop at nothing to get it....until we realize that attention never comes...and we withdraw and hide parts of ourselves, thinking surely WE are the problem. Neither extreme is right. But I did have to finally understand somewhere along the line that it's not all about ME. And that's when God began to teach me how to love sacrificially. And He placed just the right people in my life to draw out my ugly sides, and love me enough to CALL me on them, and made me loyal to them unconditionally because of a deep-rooted desire to love, and be loved. These lessons have been my most painful ones to learn, but also my greatest blessings.
I've failed in loving lately. I've fallen back into selfish withdrawing, or relentlessly smothering. Right now God has given me revelation...and peace. And my mission right now is to love. Love without fear of rejection. Without expecting anything in return. And love as deeply as I've been hurt. This will be my key to finally finding my lasting peace....freedom for those I love....and in the end, freedom for me as well. After one more trip around this mountain. :)