restless heart

can't let go
of things that got a hold on me
it's killing me inside
and I have nowhere to go
I'm falling so fast
no hope of hangin on
can't see my way around it
and I can't go back

So where are You leading me
when I can't feel You at all
When I can't find my way
And all I hear is silence
Where are You now
when my world is crashin in
I'm a prisoner of my desire
know better but just don't care
did You just disappear
or did I push You away
it's so hard to find You
take me back
cuz I just can't find my way
hold me and don't let go
I won't move till I feel You again
when will I feel You again...

Hope Renewed

HOPE 
–noun
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

–verb
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

to believe, desire, or trust.

to feel that something desired may happen.


My new word study. HOPE. My life has been overflowing with hope. Not because circumstances in my life are always showing me anything hopeful, but because I am FINALLY believing that God will keep His promises. That God Himself put desires and passions in my heart. I've finally decided to stop running away from what has been such a big part of me. Lots of that was where my last blog came from. This hope is just not letting go of me. I think I'm too far gone, I think I've become what Joyce Meyer calls a "PRISONER of hope." Cuz once you start REALLY believing, you can't break free from the joyful expectation that hope brings. And nothing the enemy throws at you can bring you down. Cuz you KNOW that it's bigger than anything that can be proven. Beyond words, beyond sight, beyond human reasoning. Indescribable really. You just know that you know that you know.

Not only did I study the definitions of "hope", but looked up Bible verses as well. I am just SO eager to learn all that God wants to teach me! Here are a few I found...and I knew them before of course, but WOW, in light of what He's showing me, these are exploding in my heart in a whole new way!

Isaiah 40:31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Okay this one has always been my favorite...I made it my own when I first began exercising because of the "walk" and "run" parts....and I would recite it as I'd struggle to finish my workouts! But now the first part jumped out at me "those who HOPE in the Lord..." I have gained some of my weight back....and haven't been able to get it back off again for good. Could this part be the key? Did I stop hoping good things were gonna happen? Did I stop believing I could do it? God revealed this to me yesterday on the treddie(go figure! :) ) That's exactly it. I lost my hope. And now that I have my hope back, He will lead me back to where I was. And that is just one example! Hope is a VERY powerful thing!!

Hebrews 10:35-36 Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
(these are verses that have REALLY ministered to me in the past year as I struggled in my relationships...but I was led to a verse yesterday, a few before this one, that WOWed me..)
Hebrews 10: 23 Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

HERE is the key.....the HOPE is what we need to hold on to...THIS is how the reward comes....after the confident trust, after the patient endurance, which gives us the strength to HOPE, which will lead us directly into the fulfillment of God's promises...and He WILL be faithful! Wow......

There are SO many more verses on/about hope...but I'm gonna end with this one...

Lamentations 3:21-25 I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him!

Amen. AMEN AMEN AMEN! I still dare to hope. I STILL. DARE. to hope. That's so powerful. After all this time, I STILL dare to hope. I still DARE to hope when nothing tells me to. When people say I'm crazy. When the enemy taunts me that nothing will change. That nothing good will happen. When memories remind me of being hurt, disappointed, rejected, hopeless. I STILL DARE TO HOPE. And why? I say to myself....(because I KNOW His Word and it is hidden in my heart and I will SPEAK it!) "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" I WILL hope in Him! Cuz the Lord is WONDERFULLY GOOD to those who WAIT for Him and seek Him!

And that says it all. :) I am expecting God to do GREAT things for me! I will wait on Him and hope in Him. And I will be READY! That's the next thing He is impressing upon me...to be ready for His reward. Through His Word and through many prophecies He is impressing it upon me. Maybe another blog on that to follow soon!

Ready to Soar

"Kay...is in a season of discontent. God is awakening something in me. I have no idea what, or the hows of it. I can't see the end. I'm in transition. But every time I long for more, God doesn't say "No." He says "Don't give up. Just wait. You have no idea what I have in store for you!" I'm holding on today, and believing that this craziness I feel now will manifest in eventual beauty."

This is my current Facebook status...totally inspired. The last few days have been a whirlwind, and I am in awe of what God is doing. Today God is truly awakening me to see the beauty in my life, and in specific prayers of mine that He is answering. I've been looking around me and feeling like I will never reach what I long-ago dreamed for, what I still yearn for now. The enemy told me to stop dreaming, and is still whispering that to me even now. But I'm not falling for it. I'm brushing him aside quite easily and believing that with God all things are possible. He gave me that verse as my own 18 years ago. And has proven it to me in HUGE ways ever since. He has only begun to show me what "impossible" really looks like manifested. I look back at that day when it first became real to me & smile. I feel very strongly that I'm gonna look back at THIS time, today, years from now and realize that this is when I truly GOT IT. When I finally stopped flapping my wings and let the abundant wind of God's promises lift me, carry me, and allow me to soar. Finally. It's time for God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. And for me to let Him. :)

REAL, really??

Oh there's such a big part of me no one knows about. Things I struggle with that no one could possibly understand. Parts of me that are ugly, that I don't even wanna admit to myself.

God has been so good to me...confirming things lately in sweet and miraculous ways that I can't even comprehend. Things that I've cried out to Him for. I've been experiencing many "suddenlys." Like when you long for something & ask God for it over & over again and then after days/months/years of waiting...BOOM there it is. Suddenly!

But why can't I be grateful and move on? Why must I harp on things & want more, bigger, better things? Why is there this part of my heart that will never let go?

I realize none of this makes sense. It shouldn't. I'm just venting for myself I guess. But I would appreciate prayers for breakthrough, which is my OWN doing, breaking through my own stubbornness! There are things I want and crave that I have never understood. God is up to something in my life. I need clear wisdom and discernment to know what that is, to know where I'm going, and how to get there! What do I need to let go of once & for all...and what do I need to just accept and cling to, because God is working in ways that are shaping my future...

Even when it makes no sense at all...

Lessons from the Treddie

I think I've mentioned that God speaks to me most when I'm running on my treadmill. Probably because He has my complete attention when I'm crying out to Him to help me finish. :D Anyway He gave me some doozys today...

~The pain I feel when others reject me (the hardest pain for me!!) is the pain He feels when people reject Him. (Ouch.)

~He wants to be everything to me that I am searching for. I spend a lot of my time reaching out, trying to get others to give me what I need. But He is right there, ALWAYS, ready to offer it. Now I am human & it's not quite that easy all the time. It's SO easy for people to throw out there "God is all you need. Rest in Him." Living that way is pretty difficult though, particularly for me. So this is the lesson He gave me to learn AGAIN today. And it's the one that made the tears flow. Cuz I've been struggling so much lately, chasing people who will never be able to meet my needs, using relationships to fill me that God never intended for that purpose. I need to quit running & chasing after futile things, and rest in Him. Tough lesson. Still workin on it. :)

~He will not reveal His purpose for me, or bring it to fruition, till I begin to accept His gifts as just that...beautiful GIFTS from Him, intended to fulfill His will for my life and His kingdom. The enemy works SO HARD to convince me that my calling is not really my calling...or tries to twist amazing pure things into evil tormenting temptations. Honestly, I fall for that way too much. Too many trips around that mountain. But I will never reach the promised land until I give this calling to Him and let Him have His way with it. (HIS way, not mine!!)

Gosh this post is full of spiritual cliches. Hope you could see through all that mess to the point. ;)

holding pattern

I'm always caught in a crazy mix of being content with where I am, and reaching for something more. I know God wants more for me in some areas, but I've been stuck in a holding pattern of not being sure how to get there for so long. In pondering all this today, I wrote this...


my heart is torn
existing here
but longing
reaching for
what I cannot see

things I cannot control
draw this to me
time & time again
when I run
it finds me
when I forget
it reminds me
and I wonder
will it ever end

sweet relief would be
fulfillment of my dreams
but release never comes

seeing the end
but never reaching
never finding the path
never knowing the way

so I sit and wait
and rest in You


I do write songs, but this isn't one of them...it's just random feelings & emotions that come out in a poetry of sorts...random poetry I like to call it. ;) Anyway, I've written lots of stuff like this, some eventually get tweaked & formed into songs that RHYME (cuz in my world, songs must rhyme :) )...but some stay in this form, just for me. Somehow I know I'm gonna want to go back some day & remember what I felt during these times.

Hopefully when God's promises are fulfilled. :)

Thoughts on Fame

fame
noun
1.
the state or quality of being widely honored and acclaimed [ant: infamy]
2.
favorable public reputation [ant: infamy]



Fame is something that's always fascinated me. Because I never understood how being a Christian and being famous could mix. Yet people seemed to either want it for themselves, or latch onto it like a lifeline, perhaps to make themselves look important. It's not something that I ever admired. I guess because from a very young age my best friend, my first love, was Jesus, and who can possibly compare to Him?? No one else really impressed me, and rightly so. It was the Jesus IN people that I admired. I have an uncanny ability to see Him in people...the REAL Him, not something phony. I can spot phoniness from a mile away.
What impresses me in a true servant of Jesus, is their heart...which, if you look hard enough at someone, always shines through. Someone who doesn't seek to impress. Someone who personifies humbleness and meekness. And someone who always puts God first and gives Him all the glory. Someone who points people to God...who will bend over backwards not to draw people to themselves, but to God, for the answers they seek. The love they crave. And the relationship they desire.
Being a servant of Christ and of His people is pretty much the opposite of fame. Should anyone, as a Christian, seek fame? I don't think so. We should strive to make Jesus famous. I've watched fame, or brushes with fame, do some scary things to people. And then, there are a select few who take fame in stride. Who make it no big deal. Who are even embarrassed by the fame their success has drawn. Because they know it's not about THEM. It is about the One who blessed them with their gifts and the ability to succeed.
I urge anyone looking for notoriety and fame to think about that. To earnestly seek God with all your heart. And never, EVER think it's about you.
And as for the other side, think about how you view those who are famous. Do you expect perfection? Put them on a pedestal that belongs only to God? Perhaps fans are the problem. Maybe it's a vicious cycle. Something more to think about.
In Matthew 22:37-38 Jesus said, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment."
Living our lives outside of this is what seems to cause trouble. So if we live our lives according to this, it puts it all in perspective. And what the world views as "famous" pales in comparison to the greatness that belongs to God alone.