work

I still need work. This I know, but sometimes I get so frustrated when I see the same ole awful behavior in myself. I really hate self-deprecating stuff, but I am not happy with ANYTHING lately and I really want to find a cause, and ultimately, a solution. Maybe as I write, it will come. Cuz I hate the things I see in me.

Things like....jealousy. Yep it goes both ways. I get a lot of it coming my way, and I sometimes think it's the biggest cause of my attacks, but it DOES flow out from me. I am a jealous person...there I said it. HUGELY so, sometimes. I hate it. It is REALLY rearing its ugly head lately. I'm hoping that means, cuz it's putting up such a last-ditch fight, that it's gonna DIE soon!!

Things like...judgmentalism. Is that a word?? Well it is now. :P I have been in such a judgmental mood lately. Judging anything & everything. I've had a haughty attitude. And I know it's cuz things are NOT working out in my own life the way I want them to. So I've been judging others, about things I have no business in, cuz it must make me feel better that they don't deserve what they have and I want...which comes back to, jealousy. I want to KILL that green-eyed monster!!!

Things like...impatience. Another cause of not being satisfied with myself & my life. Funny how now, as I'm writing, I see how these all work together...hmmmm....

I think it all boils down to...I am not secure. Not in my situation, my relationships, my goals, my dreams, my LIFE! I don't like what God is doing. How I perceive it. I am SO afraid to lose what I have, or not get what I want, and get hurt. I used to live in such a contented place of faith, resting in God's will for me and trusting Him to work all things out for good. I used to have hope. Now I might get myself pumped up for a day or two, but soon I am back to listening to the lies in my head again..."you'll never get that. You don't deserve that. Stop expecting anything good, cuz it's not gonna happen & you'll disappointed again. You're just gonna get HURT again!!" Fear..which leads to distrust...which leads to panic...which eventually leads to all the qualities above which I HATE to see in myself!

I am under MAJOR attack from the enemy. I've just lately begun to realize it. And I am NOT fighting him the way I should. I am NOT reading God's words of truth enough to defeat the enemy's lies. I have no weapons in this battle! And it IS a war! I can't ignore the arsenal right in front of me!!

I've begun to change. I am soaking up each and every thing I can get that contains the Word, and also reading the Word itself. Last night I got hit with SUCH a huge truth, it shocked me. It was straight from the Word, and worded in EXACTLY the way I needed to hear. I had been praying & heard nothing. And then there was my answer, as soon as I opened my Bible. It was beautiful. It was encouraging. Exactly what I needed. It hit me right where I was. And it was filled with His love. Thank You God!!

Hope is what I need to cling to. Joy will be my strength. Faith is what will kill the enemy's lies and allow me to step forward, trusting Him to work out a good plan for MY life, even when it doesn't make sense.

So God, do the work in me...cuz I want peace again most of all...

a new view

So what if this wasn't a bad thing. What if this is a season of silence for a good reason. What if I knew I would come out the other side, and things would be better, deeper, stronger, better than I ever imagined...

What if this were just a necessary time of growing, learning, realizing?? Wouldn't it all be worth it? If I knew that, when this is over, I'd look back at it & say...that was TOTALLY worth it. Cuz if it hadn't happened, I may not have what I have now.

So what stops me from seeing this in such a positive light? Why do I always get so discouraged? God has ALWAYS been faithful. God has always grown things in the quiet times. If I'd just remember that, it may be easier to endure.

It's just that this journey has always been painfully slow. And I am NOT a patient gal.

But slow & steady always wins the race. And things worth waiting for are always sweeter in the end. Feelings that stand the test of time can never be matched...by ANYTHING.

I know it all deep down. But it's SO hard to accept...

Stronger

So...blogging again...I'm gonna touch a lil bit on a topic that has been bothering me for awhile. Weight loss. It saddens me that so many people have turned to dangerous methods of losing weight. Starving themselves, taking weird hormones. Is it THAT important to post a "pounds lost" success? I mean, this is slowly killing people. Who KNOWS what could happen in the future...the effects of these hormones, etc. It scares me. Why is weight so important to us in society anyway? Are we that superficial? So bent on getting thin that we would harm ourselves?

I know from experience that being the"perfect" weight will not make people happy. For me, once I got down very close to my goal weight, I felt healthier, I felt stronger. I lost weight the hard way. I worked out HARD. I ate less(but regular amounts of healthy food!) And I got so much healthier & stronger. But here's the thing...my life didn't "magically" change. I had the same problems, the same emotional issues, that I did when I was heavier. I expected things to be different. To be treated differently. And I think I thought that the people around me would also change. But they didn't. I didn't either. My body size changed. Inside tho, I was the same. And that was painfully obvious when the tough issues of my life hit home.

Weight loss MUST come with other changes as well. Mental, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual changes. The number on the scale means nothing. How you grow, how you develop, what you learn from your journey, is the key to KEEPING that weight off. This is the part that I worked on a tiny bit, but never even scratched the surface of...my deeper emotional issues of WHY I ate, WHY I was overweight. And so, the weight slowly started creeping back.

The number one key to being healthy (NOT losing weight...that is just superficial) is letting God take control. To admit you can NOT do it on your own. You need Him. You need His strength, His grace, His power. Once you give up control, lean on Him, and fall in love with Him as the only One who can save you & heal you...you WILL be successful. This I know. This I KNEW. But I lost sight of it.

I've got it back...I am fighting again. I am running away my pain. Not running away FROM it, but running it away...a few miles at a time. And letting myself fall in love again with the One who will help me to succeed so I can be the best I can be for Him. He's given me hope again...

And THAT is what makes a person beautiful! :)

P.S. I've got a few good tools coming my way in the form of two books & a song..."Reshaping it All" by Candace Cameron Bure, "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst, and the song "Stronger" by Mandisa...LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! I will prob blog more about the books when I get them & read them!

aware

God is opening me up. Stretching me. And I am stepping out and LOVING IT!! Finally I feel a sense of purpose, a vision. I now see a pathway to walk on ahead of me. And, I also see obstacles. Many of them. When I glance forward, they are pretty intimidating. They even look familiar.

I have many pet peeves...especially about the area I'm stepping out in. And on my first step, I encountered pretty much all of them! But I won't back down...and I won't give up. In giving of myself, in an area that I love and I'm very comfortable in, I have finally found peace. And at the same time, a strength that I forgot I possessed. I have said "I'll go where God wants me.." countless times in the past few days. And this time, I really MEAN it!

I am so excited for the first time in years. Pieces are falling into place. I am embracing the desires & passions God has put in my heart. Trusting Him to make it all make sense. And I have such a calm assurance that He is!! Everything in my life has led up to this!!

I am hoping I may be able to share more details, and those more openly, very soon. Cuz I think I'm gonna have some amazing stories to tell! :) I am FIRMLY under God's capable control!

reassurance

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,
And no matter how you feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's Seal.

No, that TRAUMA you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you'd GROW.

You are who you are for a REASON,
You've been formed by the Master's Rod.
You are who you are, BELOVED,
Because There Is A GOD!!

~Russell Kelfer

priceless

sometimes the depth of it just overwhelms me

now & then I realize the enormity of what I've been given

no one on earth will ever understand how precious it is to me

and I will never make it known

though it gets harder & harder to hide

it is divine, it is supernatural

it is something that overtakes my soul & leaves me breathless

moved to tears of bittersweet awe and joyous pain

that I would not trade for anything

cuz I SHOULD...

I kinda feel obligated to do a year-end blog, since I've done one for the past few years...and so, it's become somewhat of a ritual. After spending almost a week sick in bed tho, I'm pretty much worn-out and empty of any coherent words of reflective wisdom...I think...

However, I would like to capture this moment in time, because this past year was a bit of a whirlwind, emotionally. Not any huge mishaps or crises or milestones, but a lot of quiet lessons learned along the way. I have timidly opened my heart up more. To be accepted and loved, and to be rejected and hurt. But I think I've accepted the hurts more. It makes the love that much sweeter. I've learned that I can't control everything, and have loosened my grip on many things, mainly my own family. I've learned that actions speak louder than words.(I learned that one the hard way!) I've seen impossible dreams come true. And I've come to grips with the fact that even if I receive the things I always dreamed of, it still leaves me yearning for more. Left to myself, I will constantly be blindly reaching. I'm sick of feeling that way! So I've basically learned to accept life as it comes, accept people for who they are, and leave the rest in God's capable hands. I've curled up in His lap & cried it all out to Him more this year than in years past. I've left a lot more up to His wisdom. I've almost, in a way, given up. Not given up hope, but given my hopes & dreams to Him to handle. Even when things don't turn out the way I wish they would, I know deep down that His ways, His plans, are always better. Even when I can't see it for myself. And there's been a LOT of that this year. So much hidden, so few answers. I pray that prayer once again at the beginning of this next year....Lord please reveal some more pieces of this puzzle that You've been putting together, called my life. I have a strong feeling that this year is going to open up a whole lot of new doors, and I know that He has made me ready. It's been a long time coming, that's for sure!

So, all that being said, my main goal of 2001 is to hold tighter to Him than ever before, and follow Him to wherever He leads me...