days like this

On days like this I really wonder. Feeling so much on the outside looking in. I gotta re-evaluate things & think about if what I do even makes a difference, or if I'm wasting my time.
Quiet times are hard. Silence leaves me empty. Dry seasons are so discouraging. And I pray for answers...but I get mixed messages.
It's hard to discern between "right" and "wrong." It's hard to figure out what to hold onto and what to walk away from. And I know in my heart that I'm in way too deep. I don't think I could ever be strong enough to walk away. And do I even need to? Are those the whispered lies of the enemy, or the still small voice of my Heavenly Father?
What is unhealthy & what is safe? Am I playing along or just being played? Is there a PURPOSE in hanging on? I DESPERATELY need to know. I'm weary. I'm exhausted from this.
Maybe I'd move on if I had somewhere to go.
And then I find this....
"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." -Auguste Rodin

longing...

I love to travel. It's been way too long since I have. And someday I'd like to visit every state. I'd love to spend some time in each one. I want to see mountains. Oh I've seen a few wimpy ones. Those big hills in Kentucky. The bigger ones around Chattanooga, Tennessee. But I want to see the ginormous ones. Hike in them. Stay somewhere close to them. Explore & stuff. I want to see both oceans. I've seen the Gulf long ago. But never an ocean. I'd love to go on a cruise. At least I think I'd love it. Being somewhat claustrophobic, maybe it would be a lil scary. But then again, maybe it would be breathtaking. I want to go back to Disney World. We haven't been back since our honeymoon. I would've loved to take the kids when they were younger. We always said we would. But no funds for that. :( I'd love to see some Caribbean islands. Historical places on the east coast. Alaska. And Texas. And the beauty of the Northwest. And California ocean highways. And the Grand Canyon. And visit again the only place that's ever felt like "home." Our former home of Nashville, TN. Sigh. What's in my way? Hubby hates to travel. No money for such things. And no time.
Honestly I've always loved to move. My family moved pretty often as I was growing up, even between states. I developed a love of finding things in new places. So after awhile, I get tired of being stuck somewhere. In the first years of our marriage, we didn't live anywhere more than 18 months at a time. I loved that! Always a new area to get used to, new things to try, new places to find. That may be why I've been so restless. We've lived in our current house for 9 years. NINE YEARS. That seems like forever to me! So yep...I am wanting to move VERY BADLY.
We live in a manufactured home in a community. That's something I usually don't like people to know. It carries the stereotype of "trailer park" and "trailer trash." I feel very uncomfortable with people's quick judgments along that line. In the past few years however, I realized that we were pretty smart. When we bought it, we knew we could afford it. We weren't in over our heads. And now I look at people in big houses who are struggling, and even losing their homes...and I feel very grateful to have a roof over our heads. We would not be able to sell this house for what we owe on it though, so we are looking into moving it to land somewhere. We had originally planned, when we moved in, to do this within a year. A few layoffs, cut salaries, debt problems...and 9 years later, after a new job and paying off a huge chunk of debt, we finally feel somewhat ready to tackle this. So what I'd LOVE is, plenty of land, trees, maybe a pond....just SPACE where we can sit in a backyard,(ohhhh how I miss having a nice backyard!!) enjoy God's creation, and just RELAX together as a family. We are praying about all of this...because frankly, it's going to take plenty of God's provision and favor to make it happen.
And maybe in the future, after saving some money, convincing the hubby, and some time to kill, we MAY be able to cure my restless wandering bug. :)

re-surrender

‎"So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing, and He'll keep on doing it."~1 Peter 4:19 (MSG)

Here again with a clean slate just wondering what to say. Kinda just doing what's in front of me and not trying to jump ahead...or look back anymore for that matter. That last blog was truly a cleansing one. :)
I am holding tight to God. There is so much emptiness inside me and I am ready to be filled. Filled with what HE wants for me. Filled with His purposes. Just waiting on Him and trying to stay in His peace. It's not easy. Still no answers.
There are situations I need to totally give up control of. Leave things in His hands and FINALLY realize that there is nothing I can do about them. I've gotta trust that He is working even when I don't see it. I need to believe that He is leading me & stop doubting. And most of all, I need to stop regretting the past...and have no fear of the future.
That's what I need to do. Doing it is another story. Taking it day-by-day, cuz that's all I can handle.

regret...

I have a lot of regret in my life. I realize that looking back and feeling bad about choices I've made is pretty useless. But my mind goes there anyway.
I look at my daughters, age 10 and 14, and think, I could've done so many things differently. I should've spent more time with them when they were little. Not been so distracted. Not lost my temper so much. I am a stay-at-home mom. And we've struggled financially because of it. (Or in my regretful thoughts, I add "because of it.") And I didn't (and don't still) handle it well. I look at my kids' behavior and wonder if their shortcomings are because of my own mistakes, my own selfishness. My oldest is quite a handful. In reality, it's WAY beyond that, way worse than that. I can't discuss it because I know she wouldn't want me to. But oh my goodness, has she challenged my long-ago dream of even being a mother! My youngest is the complete opposite. Happy-go-lucky, easy-going, eager-to-please. But living in our dysfunction has changed her quite a bit. I often feel like she's looking around at the rest of us loonies in the family & thinking, "How did I get HERE??? Who are these crazy people??" And I fear that we have harmed her sweet spirit. Hubby and I also have issues. This is where we started. Issues we never had the time or resources to deal with or heal. So we've muddled through. And I look around our family and go.....this is NOT the way I wanted it to (or even thought it would) work out. This is not how I pictured my life...in many, many areas.
My kids have been in school full-time for 4 years now. I always thought when I got to that point, I'd know my purpose. I'd have a career, or even any job, to go to. Nothing has come up. I've searched the mediocre stuff that I felt I had to do for money, and gotten nowhere. And a career, a job with a purpose that I love? Ha. Nowhere to be found. I've prayed for answers. I've been on the "shelf" for years. And what do I regret? Not trying harder. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I missed God somewhere. Oh, that's my favorite game to play. Where did I miss God? If I feel so dissatisfied and have such a mess in my life, I must've missed Him! We still struggle financially. We aren't where we should be. We don't live in the area we should. We don't have the house we should. We aren't as stable as we should be. We are both pushing 40. I thought we'd be in a totally different place right now.
Yes, I regret a lot. And feel like I've failed in so many areas. I struggle in everything. I struggle as a wife. I struggle as a mother. I struggle, even, as a child of God. I feel like I've failed Him. I struggle with sinful habits. Yep. I do. Nuff said.
My family is hurting. My family is broken. We are NOT where I feel we should be. We are not bonded. We are not spiritually connected. We don't pray for our kids enough. We don't have devotions. We don't teach them the Word the way we should. We don't pray WITH them enough. I am trying to change that. And praying that hubby will also wake up and see how necessary it is to take this seriously. Our healing begins with God.
This is a lot of reality. My reason for this blog in the first place. ;) I don't look here for answers. I am very open to God's voice and His answers alone. But I do want to paint a real picture of my own life, because I know I'm not the only one going through these things. I know there are so many who put on a happy face and present a fake persona to the world. Here I want to say, I am not one of those people. I'm trying to figure it all out, with God's help, like everyone else. And some day, I do believe, I will be released in victory to help others heal. If I can EVER get there!

just do it...

For awhile I've had this nagging feeling that I really need to blog more. The problem is, I always feel a need to have a topic, or a point, or even a lesson to have learned that I can share. But really, my life never has any of those things! So why should my blog be any different?
When I was young, I wanted to be a few things. One was a singer. One was a Mom. And one was a writer. I figured I could either get married to someone as in love with music as I was and go on the road and sing our hearts out together, kids in tow...or I could have a normal life, settle down & marry, have some kids in suburbia, and be a writer. I dreamed of the former. I settled for the latter. Minus the "writer" part.
In college, I took a creative writing course and was very excited about it. All thru high school I excelled in my writing and my teachers loved whatever I handed in on paper. My college professor, however, took one look at my first assignment & commented..."What's the point? Why did you write this? What's its purpose?" Huh? (I assumed the word CREATIVE in the class title gave me free will to write my guts out about anything. I assumed wrong.) From that day on, I haven't enjoyed writing. I always ask myself "What's the point?" What's its purpose? Who'd want to read this anyway?" And then the word "blog" became popular. People wrote about anything & everything. Still, instead of jumping in with something clever....I only tended to ramble, cluelessly, leaving my readers wondering what the heck I was talking about.
So much of my life can't be shared. So many of my personal experiences can't be related to. And yet, I'm still like a balloon ready to pop at any moment if I don't get my thoughts & feelings out.
Still waiting for God's instruction on exactly how to do that...
I've written journals. I've written poetry. I've written songs. And yes, I've written blogs. But for what purpose? They all sit, rather useless.
What's the point?

something I NEED TO remember!!

and so I must post it here...

Expectations in Relationships
Posted by Victoria Osteen on May 27th, 2010

A couple of years ago, I was chatting with a young man who was sharing how the ministry had really helped him recover from a terrible divorce. He was saying that he just didn't understand what had gone wrong in his five-year marriage. "After all," he said, "we met through a very reputable matchmaking website. I guess I am living proof that those sites don't really work." He went on to tell how he had filled out the profile and that his computer-matched wife had every quality he desired in a woman. As I listened, I could just imagine him filling out the profile much like one might custom order a car. He wanted a blond woman who loved the outdoors and quiet walks on the beach. Perhaps he also ordered a woman who liked to keep a clean house, cook, and wanted exactly 3.5 children—two boys and one and a half girls! He even told me that he was able to request that she be of a certain Christian denomination. Apparently, their problems began during the second year of their marriage when he realized that she didn't really meet all of his standards. He still wasn't sure if she had lied on the profile, or changed after they had gotten married, or if the system itself was flawed. He actually said to me, "They never asked 'are you willing to be there when your husband needs you?'"
This young man is a prime example of how people enter relationships with set standards and expectations. When people do not meet the standards we set, we become disenchanted with the relationship, allowing disappointment and frustration to set in. It's easy to get along with people when everything is going great and others are acting exactly the way we want them to. But what happens when something goes wrong and our feelings get hurt? If you're not careful, you'll begin to focus on the unmet expectations which will affect your attitude, and ultimately, your relationship.
But it doesn't have to be that way if we will just learn to have realistic expectations and let people off the hook. We can avoid a lot of heartache by simply giving people room to be human. We have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect, and even the best people will fail us at times. We have to choose forgiveness because it is not up to anyone in our lives to keep us happy; that is our own responsibility. Too often, we want our mate to cheer us up when we are down; we expect our partner to always be loving and kind. We expect our boss to recognize our hard work and our friends to always be there for us. But those are unrealistic expectations. The perfect spouse does not exist, nor does the perfect boss, nor the perfect friend. We would avoid a lot of disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in some way. But when we get our eyes off their shortcomings and on to Jesus, we open the door for His grace and healing in our relationships. We open the door for love which is all that matters in eternity.

~so POWERFUL!!!

calling OUT

Oh God...this thing You've called me to is getting the best of me. Relentless attacks and endless struggle. I am SO CLOSE to giving up...in fact I LONG to be free more than ever before. I've been beaten up, bruised, and broken and I don't know how much more my heart can take. I need some sort of release from the hold this has on me. But I DON'T KNOW how to get there...and I don't sense any answers from You. It's so back and forth, so unreliable...I'm floundering and falling fast with nothing to hold on to. Please show me Your purpose in this. It's been SO long. Please give me some peace. And please bring answers quickly to calm my aching heart!!