Breakthrough

Funny how God speaks. :)

Breakthrough, was this mentioned in my last blog comments? Why yes, yes it was. :) And major breakthrough is what I got after my last blog! Something I longed for, but something that I didn't even need...broke through, and God whispered..."See?? Trust Me. :) " Yes, the smile IS the part of the quote from God. He smiles on me a lot. :) Way more than I deserve.

So that is the praise...here comes the struggle...

If it would've ended there I would've been ok. I think. But there was a little more that took me somewhere that I'm not sure I wanted to go. It grabbed me. And broke me down in tears. Happy tears for awhile. That laugh/cry thing. But it wasn't long before I was like ohhhhhh.....am I really back here again?

It led me on a journey of my past. It led me back to a journal that I started pouring my heart out in....my TRUE heart, that NO one fully knows about....about 5 years ago. Let me tell you, some things in my life have DRASTICALLY changed since then. But my heart has not. And back then, I thought my heart was messed up. I read things today that floored me. Cuz I was SO SURE there were so many things that I needed to let go of, to move on from, to RUN away from...but I took a path that led me straight into it. The pain in my heart right now makes me think I took a wrong path. But when I look at the results of where I've journeyed the past 5 years or so, it makes me want to fall down on my knees and sob like a baby at the enormity of it all. Had I taken that other path (which I FULLY thought was God's will, and it still to this day makes NO SENSE that it wasn't, since I received much insight from good solid Christian books, teachers, etc that it was!) there are countless people that would have been affected, would have missed out. I would not have been obedient to my calling. I would not have been there for the people that needed me. I would not have been a part of things that were, and still are, world-changing.

But none of this makes sense. It only has me more confused. Looking back at this journal, I was SO SURE what God wanted me to do back then. It was right. It was wise. It was Biblical.

Honestly I know that I am where I am for a reason. But let me assure you, there are reasons I can't be specific about anything. I am smack-dab in the middle of a life that is not the norm. My issues are very unique. And that is why God holds me so close. Why He Himself speaks to me about such things. The things He has put in my heart, only things He could do, which He put there years ago, crossed my paths with His Divine intervention. And I accept it now, that no one can relate. No one can fully understand or advise. To those close to me...know this...I do not expect you to. If you are giving me God's words and wisdom, from HIM alone, it is exactly what I need. But this is God & me. Always has been, always will be. My calling is very personal, very deep, and something I must keep very close and be very careful with. I count it as precious and cherish it. And God is whispering to me now..."You took the right path. See how I accomplished wonders you could never even imagine back then? Hold on to those things in your heart. I put them there for a reason. MY reason. For MY purposes. Do NOT LET GO! I am NOT DONE." And I trust that God has me in the palm of His hand. I'm stepping very verrrry slowly around the mountain this time. I can not see even one tiny piece of my future.

But I trust that He will make it good.

sick

I'm sick of trying to get people to love me who have no clue how to...and who really don't care.

I'm sick of kidding myself.

I'm sick of regretting my past.

I'm sick of feeling dumb for every single thing I do.

I'm sick of being angry at someone who hurt me so bad, and who now doesn't even seem to care.

I'm sick of thinking everyone's making fun of me.

I'm sick of sleepwalking through my life.

I'm sick of being afraid of trying.

I'm sick of letting my past fears rule my future.

I'm sick of thinking the impossible can't happen to ME.

I'm sick of watching everyone else get what I want.

I'm sick of life being so hard on the inside, when from the outside it looks like everything's fine.

I'm sick of closing myself off to those who could be my friends because I'm so afraid to trust again.

I'm sick of feeling alone.

I'm sick of feeling alone, yet choosing to close myself off.

I'm sick of being confused about my purpose.

I'm just sick....sick of the enemy paralyzing me, sick of being a slave to my addictions, sick of craving approval from others, sick of living the way I've been living.

Somehow, someway....

I want to get better.

nothing to go on...

That's where I find myself. God is speaking CLEARLY to me, and I am blindly following His lead, but I have no idea if what I'm doing is right, or being received, or is even timely! But He has whispered these things to me before, and I have gotten small hints that what I am doing is making a difference. So I've gotta believe right now that He is leading me on the right path...for this very time, for this very place, for this very moment in history. Cuz WOW...this is going to impact countless people for Christ. It's gonna be HUGE. I can feel it. It's not in anything I'm doing, but thru the vessel God is calling me to be...to be the one who speaks His words to one that will touch the world. Love that. I am awed & humbled, once again. And I pray that I speak nothing but His words, that my motives always stay pure, and that I give all my heart and soul to lifting up this precious need. AMEN!!

Fearless Love

So I am seriously learning a lot about love lately. And not in the way that I might have expected to talk about, or think I should learn it...but in a way that hits home hard. I gotta admit, I've circled around this mountain before....a few times even! God gives me this test a lot, each time on a deeper and more intense scale. I guess I'd call it "loving the unlovely." And no, it's not really about loving my enemies(we've scratched the surface of that, but not dug deep yet) or about loving those who are undesirable. On the contrary. It's about loving those who I love SO much, and learning how to love them when they don't do what I want, or act the way I want, or fit nicely into my plan of the way life should work to make me happy! :) Understand, these are not people who deliberately try to annoy me. In fact, I believe that they care about me very much. They are just clueless. Perhaps they don't know how to love in general, or how to love selflessly, or have no clue how to love me properly. Whatever the case may be, I've allowed them to hurt me tremendously. And this has affected my relationships in ugly ways. By withdrawing from rejection, by masking hurt feelings, by acting as if I don't care...or even by hurting deliberately in return. That one is the most harmful. Doesn't that make me even more at fault? By deliberately hurting those who never intended to hurt me? Awful thing. But true nonetheless. So where does all this come from?

I am the baby in my family. Youngest of four girls. And OHHH how my sisters gushed over me. Protected me. Took good care of me. I worked that "baby" status for all it was worth! But there comes a point in life when the "baby" is cast out into the real world and realizes...I'm not the center of attention here. Something must be wrong with the world! :) Or tragically, something must be wrong with ME. We do crazy things to get attention. We smother even our closest friends. We so crave love and affection that we will stop at nothing to get it....until we realize that attention never comes...and we withdraw and hide parts of ourselves, thinking surely WE are the problem. Neither extreme is right. But I did have to finally understand somewhere along the line that it's not all about ME. And that's when God began to teach me how to love sacrificially. And He placed just the right people in my life to draw out my ugly sides, and love me enough to CALL me on them, and made me loyal to them unconditionally because of a deep-rooted desire to love, and be loved. These lessons have been my most painful ones to learn, but also my greatest blessings.
I've failed in loving lately. I've fallen back into selfish withdrawing, or relentlessly smothering. Right now God has given me revelation...and peace. And my mission right now is to love. Love without fear of rejection. Without expecting anything in return. And love as deeply as I've been hurt. This will be my key to finally finding my lasting peace....freedom for those I love....and in the end, freedom for me as well. After one more trip around this mountain. :)

heartache

still here
loving beyond reason
when it doesn't make sense
call me crazy
but I know better
no one can see
or understand
just what goes on
in my heart
you've shown me joy
and shown me pain
sometimes so intermingled
I can't tell them apart
but no one else
can touch so deep
the hidden places
of my soul
only you
show me His love
so clearly
so thru my pain
I show His love
to you

Rise Up and PRAY

I've blogged before about my calling to pray, and beyond that, to be a prayer warrior for people God has placed in my life. The true meaning behind those words really hit me today. I know in my heart when those I love need prayer...I will sense them on my heart, and feel a deep pressure, a burden, even a painful longing to help them in some way. The enemy often tries to distract me from my true purpose of prayer by dismissing these thoughts from my head as no big deal, or just natural memories. But I've learned to listen to that nudging, because I know that those I pray for are involved in deep spiritual battles. Those who are called to spread the Word on a huge scale are also the ones who the enemy attacks the hardest.They may not always have the time, the energy, or the strength to fight. This is why they need people to stand in the gap. And not only stand and pray, but fight and battle powerfully on their behalf. This is why I take my calling as a prayer warrior very seriously. There is an intense battle going on for the souls of many. And the pressure of that is overwhelming when it sits on one person's shoulders. The enemy has especially been distracting me lately from praying, and praying powerfully, in more ways than I can count. But today I sense a renewed nudging in my spirit to fight. And so I'm digging in and taking up my armor and doing my best. In this, I ask for your prayers on my behalf as well.

Back Again

...so I haven't blogged in awhile, but I really feel like I need to blog more. I have no idea what'll come out here, but I sure need an outlet lately! Part of the problem has been lack of something to say...but mostly I think I have been held back by fear. A fear that has had ahold of me for awhile. I've been afraid to be myself. Afraid that people will see, and think I'm weird, or judge me. I'm still slowly getting over that fear. I used to feel so free...I had the freedom to be honest about my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. But then everything in my life came crashing down, and all those negative things about me were magnified, and used against me. So I've held back. And I've lost a lot in that process. I'm slowly learning how to be "me" again though. God is leading me...

I have so many things rolling around in my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. Things I just don't understand. Just when I feel content and think I've got things figured out, everything changes. And it's harder and harder to depend on anything anymore. Those who used to be there for me are gone. Those I love dearly are being held at arm's length right now. And that is SO hard for me to accept. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned. I know I need to trust in, and lean on, God. But I'll be honest. He feels far away from me too right now. My thinking has not been right. I'm chasing things that will never satisfy me. I'm falling back into old, unhealthy habits. I know this. And still I can't seem to climb my way out. God is patient with me. I know He's there to help me. But still, nothing changes. I reach out and find emptiness. So I feel I must be in this pit for a reason. Oh how I'm sick of being stuck! And the purposes He seemed to make clear to me awhile back are nowhere to be seen right now. I doubt they were even real to being with. But still I press on. One thing I've never been able to do is give up. I guess that's a good thing. No matter what disappointing things people do to me, I'm never quite ready to let them go & say forget it. I'm loyal to a fault, I think some would say. But in that, I hope to find my greatest blessing.
More to come...

P.S. I find it quite ironic that my last blog was about forgetting past disappointments. Since then, I laid aside my fear, found strength to reach out again, and found disappointment....again. Very discouraging. But this, too, holds a lesson I need to learn. I can feel it. I just don't know what it is. Right now it just hurts. A lot.