Rise Up and PRAY

I've blogged before about my calling to pray, and beyond that, to be a prayer warrior for people God has placed in my life. The true meaning behind those words really hit me today. I know in my heart when those I love need prayer...I will sense them on my heart, and feel a deep pressure, a burden, even a painful longing to help them in some way. The enemy often tries to distract me from my true purpose of prayer by dismissing these thoughts from my head as no big deal, or just natural memories. But I've learned to listen to that nudging, because I know that those I pray for are involved in deep spiritual battles. Those who are called to spread the Word on a huge scale are also the ones who the enemy attacks the hardest.They may not always have the time, the energy, or the strength to fight. This is why they need people to stand in the gap. And not only stand and pray, but fight and battle powerfully on their behalf. This is why I take my calling as a prayer warrior very seriously. There is an intense battle going on for the souls of many. And the pressure of that is overwhelming when it sits on one person's shoulders. The enemy has especially been distracting me lately from praying, and praying powerfully, in more ways than I can count. But today I sense a renewed nudging in my spirit to fight. And so I'm digging in and taking up my armor and doing my best. In this, I ask for your prayers on my behalf as well.

Back Again

...so I haven't blogged in awhile, but I really feel like I need to blog more. I have no idea what'll come out here, but I sure need an outlet lately! Part of the problem has been lack of something to say...but mostly I think I have been held back by fear. A fear that has had ahold of me for awhile. I've been afraid to be myself. Afraid that people will see, and think I'm weird, or judge me. I'm still slowly getting over that fear. I used to feel so free...I had the freedom to be honest about my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. But then everything in my life came crashing down, and all those negative things about me were magnified, and used against me. So I've held back. And I've lost a lot in that process. I'm slowly learning how to be "me" again though. God is leading me...

I have so many things rolling around in my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. Things I just don't understand. Just when I feel content and think I've got things figured out, everything changes. And it's harder and harder to depend on anything anymore. Those who used to be there for me are gone. Those I love dearly are being held at arm's length right now. And that is SO hard for me to accept. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned. I know I need to trust in, and lean on, God. But I'll be honest. He feels far away from me too right now. My thinking has not been right. I'm chasing things that will never satisfy me. I'm falling back into old, unhealthy habits. I know this. And still I can't seem to climb my way out. God is patient with me. I know He's there to help me. But still, nothing changes. I reach out and find emptiness. So I feel I must be in this pit for a reason. Oh how I'm sick of being stuck! And the purposes He seemed to make clear to me awhile back are nowhere to be seen right now. I doubt they were even real to being with. But still I press on. One thing I've never been able to do is give up. I guess that's a good thing. No matter what disappointing things people do to me, I'm never quite ready to let them go & say forget it. I'm loyal to a fault, I think some would say. But in that, I hope to find my greatest blessing.
More to come...

P.S. I find it quite ironic that my last blog was about forgetting past disappointments. Since then, I laid aside my fear, found strength to reach out again, and found disappointment....again. Very discouraging. But this, too, holds a lesson I need to learn. I can feel it. I just don't know what it is. Right now it just hurts. A lot.

What God is Teaching Me

Bobby Conner:
"The Grace to Forget Past Disappointments"

"…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."—Philippians 3:13-14

Have you ever entertained any of these thoughts: "Why didn't I….? I never should have…! If only he had… I'll never be able to forgive…" These thoughts are thoughts of regret, shame and guilt, resulting from past disappointments which most of us have experienced.

Although we all have been disappointed, we're not meant to carry these disappointments into the future. Hanging onto the past is a major stronghold for many Believers. Dwelling on past mistakes, failures, losses or betrayals year after year brings an increasing weight of sin, shame and guilt—which will inevitably lead to bitterness, weariness, self-pity, accusation, doubt, unbelief and the fear that the future will just be a repeat of the past. Once disappointed, always disappointed, you reason. If they disappointed me once, they will disappoint me again.

By dwelling on past disappointments, you lose confidence in relationships with others, with God and with yourself. One of the main keys to overcoming disappointments in life is learning to let go of the past. This letting go is difficult for many because we're required not only to let go, but, in its place, to take hold of something new: we must learn to love again and to trust again—and sometimes the heart is still too wounded and hardened to open to love.

So what can we do? First, we must recognize and admit to ourselves and to the Lord that we are disappointed and that our heart has hardened to love. This may be difficult to confess, as part of the pain of disappointment is fearing that disappointment will happen again and again. We fear being disappointed if we dare to trust again and maybe even fearing to trust God again.
But we can take courage by understanding that the Lord's very purpose in coming, as He Himself declared early on, was to "bind up the brokenhearted" (Isaiah 61:1), to heal our disappointed hearts and restore hope to our innermost being. He understands deeply that we are brokenhearted by sin and failures and He has compassion for our souls.

This Hebrew word translated brokenhearted is shabar, an extremely vivid and powerful adjective that means maimed, crippled, wrecked, crushed, quenched, violently ruptured. Is this the condition of your disappointed heart?

Do you feel like you've been crushed because of betrayal?
Do you feel ruptured beyond repair because of lost dreams or lost loves?
Do you feel your hopes and prayers have been wrecked?
Do you feel crippled from an impossibly difficult journey?
Do you feel the Lord Himself has disappointed you by prayers that have gone unanswered or dreams that are still painfully unfulfilled?
Have you disappointed yourself by some egregious sin of the past?

You have no options but this: you must let go of the past. How, you ask? By choosing to forgive those who have hurt you, betrayed you, left you or wronged you. And choose to forgive yourself for your reactions to these injustices or for your own betrayals. You let go of the past by believing that God will restore to you anything and everything that was taken, including love, relationships, time, money, dreams, hopes, talents.

This truth, for many, is difficult to grasp: can the Lord truly restore lost time? Lost opportunities? Lost love? Yes He can and not only can He, but He greatly desires to restore to you everything you have lost—redeeming, restoring and multiplying it back to you.
Meditate on this marvelous promise from our Lord: "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you" (Joel 2:25).

At the very moment you gave your heart to Jesus Christ, you became a new creation: "...old things passed away and everything became new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). When you receive Christ's forgiveness in your own life, you are released from the pressure to make up for past mistakes or failures. Christ has put your sins as far from you as the east is from the west, never to remember them again. Guilt and shame are gone and you can live in freedom. How is this possible?

Consider the Cross! He bore your sins as the Passover Lamb. Do not take His death in vain by attempting to remedy your own sins and failures by holding on to them in remorse—or holding others' sins and failures against them in accusation. None of us are righteous: the Blood of the Lamb is the only remedy for sin. The only remedy for past disappointments is to repent and turn to Christ, thanking Him for making all things new.

"Then He who sat on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful.'"

Revelation 21:5 Christ is the same "yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). That means He made all things new yesterday, He makes all things new today, and He will make all things new tomorrow. There is nothing at any time in your life which He cannot make new! Cast all your cares upon Him, receive His yoke, and you will find rest for your life.

Begin to experience the bright future God has in store for you. Don't let the regrets of yesterday destroy your hopes for tomorrow. Many Believers lead lives of "quiet desperation" as Thoreau described, hardly aware that they have ceased to dream big dreams and pray big prayers, believing God for the impossible.

Be vigilant to cast off any trace of the fear of future disappointments and trust the Lord's kindness toward you, receiving His grace to forget the past. He is an extraordinarily generous, caring and tender Father who knows what is best for His children. Abandon yourself to His care, for His name is "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11).

"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." Psalm 9:10

No matter what has happened in the past, know that our God is a God of restoration—and He will restore what the enemy has stolen from you as He promises in the Book of Joel. Accept God's mercy and forgiveness today, as His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is not just adequate—it is great (Lamentations 3:23)! Great is His faithfulness! Look forward to the exceedingly wonderful plan He has for your future.

"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." Ephesians 3:20

Pray this with me: Precious Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of forgiveness, the gift that releases me from the pains of the past and enables me to run towards You and the bright future You have in store for me! Please show me if there are any areas of unforgiveness or hardness in my heart, so that I may forgive, receive Your infinite love and walk in victory. I ask You to impart to me the dreams and vision You have for my life, restoring all the enemy has stolen. I ask for the grace to forget past disappointments. I believe You are granting this to me now even as I pray! Amen!

(from The Elijah List, 7/21/09)

restless heart

can't let go
of things that got a hold on me
it's killing me inside
and I have nowhere to go
I'm falling so fast
no hope of hangin on
can't see my way around it
and I can't go back

So where are You leading me
when I can't feel You at all
When I can't find my way
And all I hear is silence
Where are You now
when my world is crashin in
I'm a prisoner of my desire
know better but just don't care
did You just disappear
or did I push You away
it's so hard to find You
take me back
cuz I just can't find my way
hold me and don't let go
I won't move till I feel You again
when will I feel You again...

Hope Renewed

HOPE 
–noun
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

–verb
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

to believe, desire, or trust.

to feel that something desired may happen.


My new word study. HOPE. My life has been overflowing with hope. Not because circumstances in my life are always showing me anything hopeful, but because I am FINALLY believing that God will keep His promises. That God Himself put desires and passions in my heart. I've finally decided to stop running away from what has been such a big part of me. Lots of that was where my last blog came from. This hope is just not letting go of me. I think I'm too far gone, I think I've become what Joyce Meyer calls a "PRISONER of hope." Cuz once you start REALLY believing, you can't break free from the joyful expectation that hope brings. And nothing the enemy throws at you can bring you down. Cuz you KNOW that it's bigger than anything that can be proven. Beyond words, beyond sight, beyond human reasoning. Indescribable really. You just know that you know that you know.

Not only did I study the definitions of "hope", but looked up Bible verses as well. I am just SO eager to learn all that God wants to teach me! Here are a few I found...and I knew them before of course, but WOW, in light of what He's showing me, these are exploding in my heart in a whole new way!

Isaiah 40:31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Okay this one has always been my favorite...I made it my own when I first began exercising because of the "walk" and "run" parts....and I would recite it as I'd struggle to finish my workouts! But now the first part jumped out at me "those who HOPE in the Lord..." I have gained some of my weight back....and haven't been able to get it back off again for good. Could this part be the key? Did I stop hoping good things were gonna happen? Did I stop believing I could do it? God revealed this to me yesterday on the treddie(go figure! :) ) That's exactly it. I lost my hope. And now that I have my hope back, He will lead me back to where I was. And that is just one example! Hope is a VERY powerful thing!!

Hebrews 10:35-36 Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.
(these are verses that have REALLY ministered to me in the past year as I struggled in my relationships...but I was led to a verse yesterday, a few before this one, that WOWed me..)
Hebrews 10: 23 Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

HERE is the key.....the HOPE is what we need to hold on to...THIS is how the reward comes....after the confident trust, after the patient endurance, which gives us the strength to HOPE, which will lead us directly into the fulfillment of God's promises...and He WILL be faithful! Wow......

There are SO many more verses on/about hope...but I'm gonna end with this one...

Lamentations 3:21-25 I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him!

Amen. AMEN AMEN AMEN! I still dare to hope. I STILL. DARE. to hope. That's so powerful. After all this time, I STILL dare to hope. I still DARE to hope when nothing tells me to. When people say I'm crazy. When the enemy taunts me that nothing will change. That nothing good will happen. When memories remind me of being hurt, disappointed, rejected, hopeless. I STILL DARE TO HOPE. And why? I say to myself....(because I KNOW His Word and it is hidden in my heart and I will SPEAK it!) "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!" I WILL hope in Him! Cuz the Lord is WONDERFULLY GOOD to those who WAIT for Him and seek Him!

And that says it all. :) I am expecting God to do GREAT things for me! I will wait on Him and hope in Him. And I will be READY! That's the next thing He is impressing upon me...to be ready for His reward. Through His Word and through many prophecies He is impressing it upon me. Maybe another blog on that to follow soon!

Ready to Soar

"Kay...is in a season of discontent. God is awakening something in me. I have no idea what, or the hows of it. I can't see the end. I'm in transition. But every time I long for more, God doesn't say "No." He says "Don't give up. Just wait. You have no idea what I have in store for you!" I'm holding on today, and believing that this craziness I feel now will manifest in eventual beauty."

This is my current Facebook status...totally inspired. The last few days have been a whirlwind, and I am in awe of what God is doing. Today God is truly awakening me to see the beauty in my life, and in specific prayers of mine that He is answering. I've been looking around me and feeling like I will never reach what I long-ago dreamed for, what I still yearn for now. The enemy told me to stop dreaming, and is still whispering that to me even now. But I'm not falling for it. I'm brushing him aside quite easily and believing that with God all things are possible. He gave me that verse as my own 18 years ago. And has proven it to me in HUGE ways ever since. He has only begun to show me what "impossible" really looks like manifested. I look back at that day when it first became real to me & smile. I feel very strongly that I'm gonna look back at THIS time, today, years from now and realize that this is when I truly GOT IT. When I finally stopped flapping my wings and let the abundant wind of God's promises lift me, carry me, and allow me to soar. Finally. It's time for God to grant me the deepest desires of my heart. And for me to let Him. :)

REAL, really??

Oh there's such a big part of me no one knows about. Things I struggle with that no one could possibly understand. Parts of me that are ugly, that I don't even wanna admit to myself.

God has been so good to me...confirming things lately in sweet and miraculous ways that I can't even comprehend. Things that I've cried out to Him for. I've been experiencing many "suddenlys." Like when you long for something & ask God for it over & over again and then after days/months/years of waiting...BOOM there it is. Suddenly!

But why can't I be grateful and move on? Why must I harp on things & want more, bigger, better things? Why is there this part of my heart that will never let go?

I realize none of this makes sense. It shouldn't. I'm just venting for myself I guess. But I would appreciate prayers for breakthrough, which is my OWN doing, breaking through my own stubbornness! There are things I want and crave that I have never understood. God is up to something in my life. I need clear wisdom and discernment to know what that is, to know where I'm going, and how to get there! What do I need to let go of once & for all...and what do I need to just accept and cling to, because God is working in ways that are shaping my future...

Even when it makes no sense at all...