sick

I'm sick of trying to get people to love me who have no clue how to...and who really don't care.

I'm sick of kidding myself.

I'm sick of regretting my past.

I'm sick of feeling dumb for every single thing I do.

I'm sick of being angry at someone who hurt me so bad, and who now doesn't even seem to care.

I'm sick of thinking everyone's making fun of me.

I'm sick of sleepwalking through my life.

I'm sick of being afraid of trying.

I'm sick of letting my past fears rule my future.

I'm sick of thinking the impossible can't happen to ME.

I'm sick of watching everyone else get what I want.

I'm sick of life being so hard on the inside, when from the outside it looks like everything's fine.

I'm sick of closing myself off to those who could be my friends because I'm so afraid to trust again.

I'm sick of feeling alone.

I'm sick of feeling alone, yet choosing to close myself off.

I'm sick of being confused about my purpose.

I'm just sick....sick of the enemy paralyzing me, sick of being a slave to my addictions, sick of craving approval from others, sick of living the way I've been living.

Somehow, someway....

I want to get better.

nothing to go on...

That's where I find myself. God is speaking CLEARLY to me, and I am blindly following His lead, but I have no idea if what I'm doing is right, or being received, or is even timely! But He has whispered these things to me before, and I have gotten small hints that what I am doing is making a difference. So I've gotta believe right now that He is leading me on the right path...for this very time, for this very place, for this very moment in history. Cuz WOW...this is going to impact countless people for Christ. It's gonna be HUGE. I can feel it. It's not in anything I'm doing, but thru the vessel God is calling me to be...to be the one who speaks His words to one that will touch the world. Love that. I am awed & humbled, once again. And I pray that I speak nothing but His words, that my motives always stay pure, and that I give all my heart and soul to lifting up this precious need. AMEN!!

Fearless Love

So I am seriously learning a lot about love lately. And not in the way that I might have expected to talk about, or think I should learn it...but in a way that hits home hard. I gotta admit, I've circled around this mountain before....a few times even! God gives me this test a lot, each time on a deeper and more intense scale. I guess I'd call it "loving the unlovely." And no, it's not really about loving my enemies(we've scratched the surface of that, but not dug deep yet) or about loving those who are undesirable. On the contrary. It's about loving those who I love SO much, and learning how to love them when they don't do what I want, or act the way I want, or fit nicely into my plan of the way life should work to make me happy! :) Understand, these are not people who deliberately try to annoy me. In fact, I believe that they care about me very much. They are just clueless. Perhaps they don't know how to love in general, or how to love selflessly, or have no clue how to love me properly. Whatever the case may be, I've allowed them to hurt me tremendously. And this has affected my relationships in ugly ways. By withdrawing from rejection, by masking hurt feelings, by acting as if I don't care...or even by hurting deliberately in return. That one is the most harmful. Doesn't that make me even more at fault? By deliberately hurting those who never intended to hurt me? Awful thing. But true nonetheless. So where does all this come from?

I am the baby in my family. Youngest of four girls. And OHHH how my sisters gushed over me. Protected me. Took good care of me. I worked that "baby" status for all it was worth! But there comes a point in life when the "baby" is cast out into the real world and realizes...I'm not the center of attention here. Something must be wrong with the world! :) Or tragically, something must be wrong with ME. We do crazy things to get attention. We smother even our closest friends. We so crave love and affection that we will stop at nothing to get it....until we realize that attention never comes...and we withdraw and hide parts of ourselves, thinking surely WE are the problem. Neither extreme is right. But I did have to finally understand somewhere along the line that it's not all about ME. And that's when God began to teach me how to love sacrificially. And He placed just the right people in my life to draw out my ugly sides, and love me enough to CALL me on them, and made me loyal to them unconditionally because of a deep-rooted desire to love, and be loved. These lessons have been my most painful ones to learn, but also my greatest blessings.
I've failed in loving lately. I've fallen back into selfish withdrawing, or relentlessly smothering. Right now God has given me revelation...and peace. And my mission right now is to love. Love without fear of rejection. Without expecting anything in return. And love as deeply as I've been hurt. This will be my key to finally finding my lasting peace....freedom for those I love....and in the end, freedom for me as well. After one more trip around this mountain. :)

heartache

still here
loving beyond reason
when it doesn't make sense
call me crazy
but I know better
no one can see
or understand
just what goes on
in my heart
you've shown me joy
and shown me pain
sometimes so intermingled
I can't tell them apart
but no one else
can touch so deep
the hidden places
of my soul
only you
show me His love
so clearly
so thru my pain
I show His love
to you

Rise Up and PRAY

I've blogged before about my calling to pray, and beyond that, to be a prayer warrior for people God has placed in my life. The true meaning behind those words really hit me today. I know in my heart when those I love need prayer...I will sense them on my heart, and feel a deep pressure, a burden, even a painful longing to help them in some way. The enemy often tries to distract me from my true purpose of prayer by dismissing these thoughts from my head as no big deal, or just natural memories. But I've learned to listen to that nudging, because I know that those I pray for are involved in deep spiritual battles. Those who are called to spread the Word on a huge scale are also the ones who the enemy attacks the hardest.They may not always have the time, the energy, or the strength to fight. This is why they need people to stand in the gap. And not only stand and pray, but fight and battle powerfully on their behalf. This is why I take my calling as a prayer warrior very seriously. There is an intense battle going on for the souls of many. And the pressure of that is overwhelming when it sits on one person's shoulders. The enemy has especially been distracting me lately from praying, and praying powerfully, in more ways than I can count. But today I sense a renewed nudging in my spirit to fight. And so I'm digging in and taking up my armor and doing my best. In this, I ask for your prayers on my behalf as well.

Back Again

...so I haven't blogged in awhile, but I really feel like I need to blog more. I have no idea what'll come out here, but I sure need an outlet lately! Part of the problem has been lack of something to say...but mostly I think I have been held back by fear. A fear that has had ahold of me for awhile. I've been afraid to be myself. Afraid that people will see, and think I'm weird, or judge me. I'm still slowly getting over that fear. I used to feel so free...I had the freedom to be honest about my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my failures. But then everything in my life came crashing down, and all those negative things about me were magnified, and used against me. So I've held back. And I've lost a lot in that process. I'm slowly learning how to be "me" again though. God is leading me...

I have so many things rolling around in my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. Things I just don't understand. Just when I feel content and think I've got things figured out, everything changes. And it's harder and harder to depend on anything anymore. Those who used to be there for me are gone. Those I love dearly are being held at arm's length right now. And that is SO hard for me to accept. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned. I know I need to trust in, and lean on, God. But I'll be honest. He feels far away from me too right now. My thinking has not been right. I'm chasing things that will never satisfy me. I'm falling back into old, unhealthy habits. I know this. And still I can't seem to climb my way out. God is patient with me. I know He's there to help me. But still, nothing changes. I reach out and find emptiness. So I feel I must be in this pit for a reason. Oh how I'm sick of being stuck! And the purposes He seemed to make clear to me awhile back are nowhere to be seen right now. I doubt they were even real to being with. But still I press on. One thing I've never been able to do is give up. I guess that's a good thing. No matter what disappointing things people do to me, I'm never quite ready to let them go & say forget it. I'm loyal to a fault, I think some would say. But in that, I hope to find my greatest blessing.
More to come...

P.S. I find it quite ironic that my last blog was about forgetting past disappointments. Since then, I laid aside my fear, found strength to reach out again, and found disappointment....again. Very discouraging. But this, too, holds a lesson I need to learn. I can feel it. I just don't know what it is. Right now it just hurts. A lot.

What God is Teaching Me

Bobby Conner:
"The Grace to Forget Past Disappointments"

"…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."—Philippians 3:13-14

Have you ever entertained any of these thoughts: "Why didn't I….? I never should have…! If only he had… I'll never be able to forgive…" These thoughts are thoughts of regret, shame and guilt, resulting from past disappointments which most of us have experienced.

Although we all have been disappointed, we're not meant to carry these disappointments into the future. Hanging onto the past is a major stronghold for many Believers. Dwelling on past mistakes, failures, losses or betrayals year after year brings an increasing weight of sin, shame and guilt—which will inevitably lead to bitterness, weariness, self-pity, accusation, doubt, unbelief and the fear that the future will just be a repeat of the past. Once disappointed, always disappointed, you reason. If they disappointed me once, they will disappoint me again.

By dwelling on past disappointments, you lose confidence in relationships with others, with God and with yourself. One of the main keys to overcoming disappointments in life is learning to let go of the past. This letting go is difficult for many because we're required not only to let go, but, in its place, to take hold of something new: we must learn to love again and to trust again—and sometimes the heart is still too wounded and hardened to open to love.

So what can we do? First, we must recognize and admit to ourselves and to the Lord that we are disappointed and that our heart has hardened to love. This may be difficult to confess, as part of the pain of disappointment is fearing that disappointment will happen again and again. We fear being disappointed if we dare to trust again and maybe even fearing to trust God again.
But we can take courage by understanding that the Lord's very purpose in coming, as He Himself declared early on, was to "bind up the brokenhearted" (Isaiah 61:1), to heal our disappointed hearts and restore hope to our innermost being. He understands deeply that we are brokenhearted by sin and failures and He has compassion for our souls.

This Hebrew word translated brokenhearted is shabar, an extremely vivid and powerful adjective that means maimed, crippled, wrecked, crushed, quenched, violently ruptured. Is this the condition of your disappointed heart?

Do you feel like you've been crushed because of betrayal?
Do you feel ruptured beyond repair because of lost dreams or lost loves?
Do you feel your hopes and prayers have been wrecked?
Do you feel crippled from an impossibly difficult journey?
Do you feel the Lord Himself has disappointed you by prayers that have gone unanswered or dreams that are still painfully unfulfilled?
Have you disappointed yourself by some egregious sin of the past?

You have no options but this: you must let go of the past. How, you ask? By choosing to forgive those who have hurt you, betrayed you, left you or wronged you. And choose to forgive yourself for your reactions to these injustices or for your own betrayals. You let go of the past by believing that God will restore to you anything and everything that was taken, including love, relationships, time, money, dreams, hopes, talents.

This truth, for many, is difficult to grasp: can the Lord truly restore lost time? Lost opportunities? Lost love? Yes He can and not only can He, but He greatly desires to restore to you everything you have lost—redeeming, restoring and multiplying it back to you.
Meditate on this marvelous promise from our Lord: "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you" (Joel 2:25).

At the very moment you gave your heart to Jesus Christ, you became a new creation: "...old things passed away and everything became new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). When you receive Christ's forgiveness in your own life, you are released from the pressure to make up for past mistakes or failures. Christ has put your sins as far from you as the east is from the west, never to remember them again. Guilt and shame are gone and you can live in freedom. How is this possible?

Consider the Cross! He bore your sins as the Passover Lamb. Do not take His death in vain by attempting to remedy your own sins and failures by holding on to them in remorse—or holding others' sins and failures against them in accusation. None of us are righteous: the Blood of the Lamb is the only remedy for sin. The only remedy for past disappointments is to repent and turn to Christ, thanking Him for making all things new.

"Then He who sat on the throne said, 'Behold, I make all things new.' And He said to me, 'Write, for these words are true and faithful.'"

Revelation 21:5 Christ is the same "yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). That means He made all things new yesterday, He makes all things new today, and He will make all things new tomorrow. There is nothing at any time in your life which He cannot make new! Cast all your cares upon Him, receive His yoke, and you will find rest for your life.

Begin to experience the bright future God has in store for you. Don't let the regrets of yesterday destroy your hopes for tomorrow. Many Believers lead lives of "quiet desperation" as Thoreau described, hardly aware that they have ceased to dream big dreams and pray big prayers, believing God for the impossible.

Be vigilant to cast off any trace of the fear of future disappointments and trust the Lord's kindness toward you, receiving His grace to forget the past. He is an extraordinarily generous, caring and tender Father who knows what is best for His children. Abandon yourself to His care, for His name is "Faithful and True" (Revelation 19:11).

"And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." Psalm 9:10

No matter what has happened in the past, know that our God is a God of restoration—and He will restore what the enemy has stolen from you as He promises in the Book of Joel. Accept God's mercy and forgiveness today, as His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is not just adequate—it is great (Lamentations 3:23)! Great is His faithfulness! Look forward to the exceedingly wonderful plan He has for your future.

"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." Ephesians 3:20

Pray this with me: Precious Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of forgiveness, the gift that releases me from the pains of the past and enables me to run towards You and the bright future You have in store for me! Please show me if there are any areas of unforgiveness or hardness in my heart, so that I may forgive, receive Your infinite love and walk in victory. I ask You to impart to me the dreams and vision You have for my life, restoring all the enemy has stolen. I ask for the grace to forget past disappointments. I believe You are granting this to me now even as I pray! Amen!

(from The Elijah List, 7/21/09)